Fix You
by moodiful819
Summary: Sakura is raped on a mission and Tsunade tells Team 7 to take care of her as she recovers, but Kakashi stays away. Will guilt and self loathing keep him from helping the one person who needs him most? [Kakasaku. Mature content.]
1. Terrible Sins & Broken Apologies

Well, I'm back Kakasaku people. After an incredibly long wait, I'm back. If you're wondering why I was gone, I was focusing mainly on Rock Star Romance and finally got into year 2, so now, to give me a break from Sasusaku, here's some Kakasaku. (There will be changes in POV at random times)

Key: "Talking"  
'_thinking'  
__flashback  
_for this chapter only: _**Isao**_

Note: Contains graphic scenes, violence, rape, language, suicide attempts, darkness. Basically, if it's been on Law & Order SVU, it's here. If you are uncomfortable with any of these, leave now. You have been warned.

_Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto or SVU. Only time this will be here. Anything else that I might mention, do not own._

* * *

_Rape. Fundamentally the worst thing that can happen to a woman aside from being sold into sexual slavery, but, at least, with sexual slavery, you have the comfort of knowing that the violation was to be expected, with rape, there is none._

.

.

.

It was an A-rank mission, or was it an S-rank? Did it really matter? All he knew for sure was that she had been sent to retrieve a scroll and he had been assigned as a bodyguard. He was to keep her safe and make sure the mission was completed. It was a simple job, regardless of the enemies that they had encountered. Afterall, a shinobi was just a tool for his village and he was just doing the task assigned to him.

They had retrieved the scroll from the Kazekage that was to be returned to Konoha a few days ago and were traveling back to their home with relative ease. No problems, no ambushes, but that was yesterday.

Today, at approximately 500 kilometers from the village, they had been ambushed. A group of missing nin, about seven or eight from what he could count, had attacked them for the scroll in their possession. Was it really that priceless? Was this scroll really that important? Then again, missing nin would steal anything they could get their hands on and people were known to kill each other over stupider things.

The battle raged. For how long? Minutes? Hours? Yes, hours. Hours seemed more accurate because he had sent Pakkun for backup a while ago and there were only a few nin left standing. He looked around to see his partner, a pink-haired woman, fighting two of them. Her name? Haruno Sakura.

Haruno Sakura, birthday March 28, age 19, jounin medic ninja, took apprenticeship under the current Hokage, Tsunade, at age fourteen, approx. 167 centimeters tall, and no next of kin. How did I know all of this? I was her ex-sensei. My name? Hatake Kakashi.

* * *

Blood gushed freely from his chest as I dislodged my arm from the hole I created. I heard the body slump to the ground, heard the dry earth drink the red liquid that flowed freely from him. I panted heavily, cursing under my breath. As the Chidori in my hand dissipated, I felt the sweat of my body mix with the cut I had over my Sharingan eye. I felt like screaming in frustration. My Sharingan had used up most of my chakra and I felt drained. What was more was we still had three more missing nin to deal with. I looked around. Sakura was fighting two of them, so where was the…

I narrowly dodged the blow aimed at my head and watched the bark chip off of the tree that I once stood in front of. I could still hear my heavy breathing in my ear, the sound muffling the chirps and chattering of the forest. I turned my head to the sneering nin as he shook tree bark off his hand. The bastard was having fun.

I scanned him over and noticed he was doing the same thing. He wore a tattered cloak, black boots, black pants, and armguards. He had blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail and my gaze trailed to the headband over his forehead, a slash running over the engraved leaf. He was one of us.

I knitted my brows in concentration. He looked so familiar. Who was he? Where had I seen him before? I heard him laugh and snapped my gaze up to him. I recognized that voice. "You remind me of-"

"Yamanaka Inoichi? Of course, he's my little brother."

I was stunned, but masked it with a smirk. Never show your emotions to an enemy. "He never mentioned he had a brother."

The man smirked. "Of course not. I'm the black sheep of the family after all. They don't like talking about it. Too many old wounds, you understand." he smiled.

"Of course." I smiled. "I'm sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I don't know your name."

"Isao. Yamanaka Isao."

"Pleasure."

"Oh no, the pleasure is all mine. So, shall we begin?"

I smirked. "Of course. I think we would've run out of topics anyway." I said running to meet him in a clash of kunai.

"Oh, I don't think so." he said pushing against me.

"Oh really?" I asked as we both leapt back.

"Yes. I would've had tons to tell you. Would you like to hear?"

I threw a kunai and watched as his met mine, causing the attack to become void, the kunai clattering on the ground. "Sure." I could use the time to stall as I formulated a plan.

Isao smiled. "Alright."

We ran towards each other, our kunai clashing, neither giving up. "What would you like to hear?" I sent a kick to his chest, which he blocked and sent a fist at me. I deflected the attack. "Anything will be fine."

Isao smirked. "Alright. I'll tell you the reason why I became a missing nin." he said, pushing away from me. I skidded to a halt; leaves stained with blood were scattered to the winds. "Shoot."

Isao nodded and disappeared into the trees. I waited and dodged the shower of kunai that came at me. "I was never really liked by my parents." he started as some shuriken came from the side.

"How sad." Where was he?

"Yes, really. Anyway, my brother was the favorite and that left me in the background. You could imagine what that could've done to me."

"Lone wolf character?" I asked as Kage Bunshins fell from the trees.

"Quite." they echoed. I quickly dispatched of them. I could hear myself pant. I needed to finish this quick before I collapsed. "Anyway, though I resented my parents, I always looked out for my little brother. He was a bit of a pansy."

"Oh really?"

I heard Isao's laughter echo in the trees. "Quite. Had to save him from everything when we were kids." I smiled to myself. If I got out of this, I'd have to ask Inoichi some things.

"As we grew up, he started to become less dependent and started branching off. I was losing my purpose to protect. Sure, the village, but what can it offer you other than a paycheck and a place to sleep?" I dodged the fireball he sent me and landed nimbly on my feet. "After a while, we both became jounin, then he met that wife of his. I didn't mind at first, really. She was a nice woman, but he started going soft on me. One day, while I was on a mission, I got an offer to leave my village to join a bunch of guys who weren't satisfied with their village lives and were going to strike out on their own. I told them I'd think about it and they surprisingly let me go. I went home and asked Inoichi if he wanted to come leave the village with me. He told me he couldn't. I asked him why and he said he couldn't leave the broad when she was having his kid."

I looked around, hearing the rustling in the bushes behind me and leapt into a tree as a hand made a grab at my feet. I threw a kunai and watched the cloud of smoke form. Damn, another clone. "I went absolutely livid. Not only had he gone soft, he was abandoning me, his brother, for some freaking chick. I gave up. He obviously didn't need me anymore, so I packed up my bags and found the guys outside my village and left with them." he said as he twirled the kunai in his hand. I leapt up and held the man as my other hand gripped a kunai. I was about to end his life when I felt something hit me from my side, knocking me from the tree. It was Isao.

He gripped me by my vest as we plummeted to the ground. "I've dreamt of killing the great Copy-Nin. You know, memories of home and everything. The great hero of my old village. That Sharingan of yours ain't too bad neither." I struggled against him as his hand began to grip my throat. I coughed and stared into his eyes, a mad glint in the blue irises. "You're gonna find out why I was the most dangerous out of all these guys."

The words of a jutsu were muffled as two men hit the forest floor, the impact sending a cloud of dust into the air. The dust cleared and the slumped form of Isao could be shown being rolled off Kakashi. He stood and dusted himself off, stumbling a bit. He leant against a tree. "Your body's a bit weak, eh, Hatake?"

I struggled. Where was I? I saw two semi-circles open and I could see a forest, blood splattered everywhere in the foliage. I tried to move my hand, tried to pull it forward, but couldn't. I looked at my wrist, then at the rest of my body and paled. I was bound to a pentagram.

**_Like it? My own jutsu made just for you. There was a fifty-fifty chance this would actually work, but hey, guess I was lucky._**

I looked around. _'Where am I?'_

**_In your mind._**

'_My mind? What? How?'_

**_Tsk. Tsk. Kami, Kakashi. Even though I'm a missing nin, I'm a Yamanaka first. And I thought you were smart._**

'_Why are we here? How are we here?'_

**_I told you, my own jutsu. Five-Sided Pentagram seal. Made it up myself. It allows me to enter your mind like that brat my brother had and nullify your Sharingan. Best part is, this is running off your chakra. Good thing I let you rest otherwise this would've been a moot point._**

'_Why did you nullify my Sharingan?'_

**_Well, I couldn't exactly have you using this against me. I'd never live it down. I probably be dead anyway, but this has another nifty effect. _**

'_What?'_

**_It lets you see, hear, and feel everything I do while I can go through all your memories. This is going to come in handy for what I'm going to do to you. I always was the sadistic one out of the two of us._**

I paled and clenched my fists. _'What are you going to do?'_

**_All in due time. What I can tell you is that you'll wish I had killed you earlier._**

* * *

Sakura sighed and wiped her forehead as she shook the blood of her hand, watching bits of the brain of her opponent drop onto the forest floor. She sighed and wiped the blood onto her jounin pants as she kicked decapitated head away from her. Another day, another bad guy beaten to a pulp. Oh well, at least she didn't have to worry anymore. She had beaten her opponents and could afford to relax a bit. "Nice job, Sakura."

Sakura turned back and smiled. "Hi Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi struggled in his mind. _'I thought I told her to stop calling me that.'_

The body of Kakashi looked at her sternly. "I thought I told you to stop calling me that."

She smiled and stuck her tongue out at him. "Too bad. Well, I'm glad you made it out okay, Kakashi. It was weird, that guy you were fighting looked a lot like Inoichi-san. I'm gonna have to have to tell Ino-pig about this." she said as she turned around to pick up her fallen glove. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around. "Yes Kakash-"

The world seemed to tip back as Sakura fell backwards. She could see the storm clouds overhead and struggled to get up, but a heavy weight pressed her down, she could feel enemy blood soak into her skin. "Kakashi-sensei, you're heavy, you know that?"

Her teammate smirked and held her arms above her head and uneasiness flicked past her eyes. "Kakashi?" she asked unsuredly. He answered by forcing her legs apart and smashed his lips against hers, his weight pinning her down.

* * *

I couldn't believe it. He…he was going to use my body to- _'You sick bastard.'_ I growled.

**_Now, now. Such language. I'm appalled, but you should've been listening when I told you I was sadistic. I think I'm going to enjoy this._**

'_You Son of a Bitch!'_ I roared as I tried to pry my body off the pentagram. I heard fabric tear, the sound of a scream ripping through the air, and lifted my head to see my body ripping her shirt. _'You're not going to get away with this. She won't let herself just lie back as you violate her.'_

**_Correction. You're the one who's violating her. It might be my spirit, but it's your body doing the dirty work and in case you've forgotten, her chakra levels are low. She won't be able to fight, not that she'd try. It's her dear old ex-sensei. You're one of her best friends. She'd never be able to go full out on you. She trusts you._**

I cursed. He was right. The guy was using my body to violate her. The sick fuck was right. _'I have to shut it out.'_ I thought, but something made me keep my eyes open.

**_No, no, no. You're going to watch it too. It's half the fun. Aside from the screaming and the feel of her body. I'm lucky your student is such a babe. I'm going to have a lot of fun with her._**

I watched as my arm reached down and the fabric of her pants tear away into my hand, the sound echoing in my mind. I felt the pressure of my other hand increase and knew bruises were going to be left behind. My blood pulsed and I pulled against my bonds. Dammit, why couldn't I do anything?

I saw the ground become wet and felt moisture on my back. My head tipped up to see water, a kick from below brought my vision from the rain to the girl under me. I felt my hand brush against my side and felt the raise in my skin and heard my vest and shirt fall away, heard them splash in a puddle. "Something wrong, Sakura-chan?"

Ugh, chills went up my spine. I could feel my skin crawl as I felt the bile rise in my throat. This was so wrong. She shouldn't have to go through this. She knew, all kunoichi knew they could get raped on a mission. They knew, accepted, and were prepared for the day a scumbag would violate them, but this was different. This was a familiar face, a person you had spent time with. Someone you had seen smile, laugh, and cry. They were the ones you called friend and you had no way to defend against this. You would imagine the enemy and know what to do, but when it was someone you knew, a friendly face with a familiar smile, you'd freeze and scream and sob because you hadn't counted on this. Because you didn't know what to do anymore.

Kakashi lifted his head from hers, panting against her bruised lips as he stared into her fear-colored eyes. "K-Kakashi, why?" He smiled at the confusion and pain in her voice. His answer was to remove his pants and grind into her bare center as a hand gripped a kunai. Her bindings were cut and the hand moved to cup the pink-capped flesh that had been revealed as his hips moved in her core and heard her muffled scream in his mouth, her legs kicking from under him. He pulled away and nuzzled her neck as he rolled her pink nipple between his fingers. "Don't you like it Sakura-chan?" he purred.

Tears appeared in her eyes as she tried to squirm away, her hands madly grabbing for an escape. When that didn't work, she tried to clench her legs shut, but his knees kept them pinned to the ground. She looked around wildly, her chest rising and falling as she looked around wildly. Everything seemed to be going so fast, nothing made sense anymore. Why was this happening to her? What had caused it? When did this start? Why was he doing this to her?

"Kakashi?" she asked, praying he had an answer. He grinned, his smile feral and she could see all the teeth now that the mask was gone. His mask was gone. This was supposed to be a time for celebration, but she didn't want anything more than to just run away and forget all of this. Breathing. She couldn't breathe. Everything was smaller, suffocating her. It was all suffocating her. She felt something brush against her and arched her back at the electricity that shot through her spine. What was going on?

* * *

**_Ooh. Responsive too. You got one hell of a student here, Kakashi, I'll give you that._**

I turned away, the bile rising. I could taste in my mouth. I wanted to let it out, but I wouldn't give him that satisfaction of knowing that he had managed to make me sick to my stomach. I willed it down and felt the moisture against the front of my body. I felt my body respond and cursed, anger coursing through me. I was so disgusted. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be hurting her!

I looked around. I needed a plan. Focus Hatake, focus! Maybe if I focused on the bonds and concentrated my energy there, I'd be able to break it. It was worth a shot.

I channeled all my energy to my right hand and kept it there. I stared at my hand as I tried to move it. Dammit, why wouldn't it move? I tried harder, sweat rolling down the side of my face and watched my wrist lift slightly under the green lines that held me. From the corner of my eye, I thought I saw my hand move.

**_Enjoying the show so far?_**

I glared. The sick bastard was liking this too much. I remained in silence.

**_Oh, you're not? I can fix that._**

I felt my arm move from the pale flesh over her heart. It was covered in bruises. I took this time to scan her body for injuries. She had a gash to her shoulder and from what I could tell when my hand moved, a few broken bones too. I needed to get her out. I needed to control my body so she could escape. My hand moved lower, brushing past the nest of pink curls and felt it dip into her warmth, hearing her whimper and try to move away. The hand moved away, rolling a sticky liquid between two fingers. "Enjoying this, aren't you?" She whimpered and he continued to torment her. "All nice and wet."

I shivered under my skin as I heard my dark chuckle. No, it wasn't mine. It was his. This body wasn't mine anymore. He'd taken it over and was using it for his sick pleasure. This wasn't my body anymore. It was his. I was just along for the ride.

His hands bound her wrists with wire, but I was the one who saw the blood trickle down her skin. His hand delved between her folds, but I was the one who heard her sob. His fingers pistoned in and out of her body, but I was the one who could hear her screams.

Sakura stared up at me, her beryl eyes filled with a childlike innocence. "Why?" she asked. I felt like killing myself right there. The hurt in her voice wrenched my heart. He chuckled. "Because I can."

He thrusted into her, no words, no warning. Nothing but a ragged moan as she screamed. "Ahhhhhhh!"

I could feel her channel grip at me and heard him laugh. "Never thought you'd be a virgin. You're just full of surprises, aren't you." God, he was toying with her. Wasn't this enough? Wasn't this enough for him? He groaned. "You're so tight." he whispered.

I could hear her screams as he thrust into her, his fingers digging into her thighs as she tried to crawl away. "NO! NO! NO! Stop! Please! Please! I'm begging you! Stop! Please! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Please! No! No! Stop! Please!"

I shut my eyes. _'I'm sorry' _I chanted to myself. I needed to drown it out. The sick squelching sounds, his ragged moans, his dirty encouragements, her voice. I needed to drown out her. I chanted louder, but every scream was being heard. Every scream was being processed. Every scream was being etched into my brain and killing me slowly.

I shut my eyes further, tried to block out the sound and it worked, but something else came through. _"Open your eyes."_ I recognized that voice. It was my father.

I opened my eyes, the visage of the Great White Fang of Konoha standing before me. He hadn't aged, hadn't deteriorated, hadn't changed at all. He looked just like he did when I was a child. Tall, commanding, and a warm, comforting smile on his face. It made me sick.

"_Open your eyes." _I shut my eyes in defiance. I wouldn't listen to him, but something nagged at me to obey. I shut my eyes further. _"Kakashi…"_

There were new voices now. I opened my eyes. A medic smiled and a boy grinned. _'Rin…Obito…'_

The two smiled. _"Hi Kakashi."_

I looked at them. All three of them. All three dressed in the same white robe, all three had the same smile on their face, all three looked like they hadn't aged a day.

I blinked and Obito grinned. _"Just enjoy it, Kakashi."_

"_Just enjoy it."_ my father echoed. Rin was more bold. She walked up to me, let her finger trail over my collarbone. She placed her cheek on my shoulder. _"Just enjoy it, Kakashi-kun. Let go…"_

I seethed in silence. I felt them come close and felt myself tense. They were being defiled. I wanted them to leave. I didn't want to have to watch them do this. I wanted them to go. I felt them come closer and snapped my gaze up. '_LEAVE!_'

Their eyes closed and their heads bowed before disappearing into a cloud of smoke. I panted heavily in my exhaustion and my rage. This was taxing my mind, but I need to get out. I had to save Sakura. I pulled on my bonds and felt it give as he thrusted faster, lost in the sensations her body offered him. I smiled to myself. I couldn't believe I was smiling, but I had made progress, but just as I celebrated, the bonds snapped back. I cursed to myself. Was this how Sakura felt at the Chuunin Exam? The Chuunin exam! She had managed to get the Yamanaka girl out of her mind, but how did she do it again? She had forced the girl out by her will, but would it work? I would soon find out.

* * *

His thrusts were faster now. His eyes were glazed with lust, hers with fear as she stared into those mismatched eyes. Her screams were still in the air, but her voice had grown hoarse. The sloppy wet sounds echoed in forest air. He thrusted into her faster, frantic to find that release and he reached between them, flicking the small bundle of nerves and her spine arched, her eyes rolled back, and her muscles clenched around him.

I felt her muscles spasm around him and felt the pentagram weaken, felt the bonds loosen as he released inside her body, lost in her body and screamed as I focused my rage and disgust, my sorrow, my energy, everything and forced him from my body.

I felt my eyes blur and focus. I blinked and moved my hand, seeing it move with me. I had my body back.

I grabbed a kunai and threw it to my right, hearing the dull thud, the gurgle of blood, the cough and turned. I saw him smiling through his severed windpipe. He moved his mouth and grinned as blood bubbled from his mouth and spilled from his throat. Suddenly, he slouched forward and was gone. He was dead, but I could still see his lips moving, mouthing his last taunt at me. _"Did you enjoy it?"_

I panted, breathing in air tainted with blood. Air tainted with his blood. I felt my heart pound in my chest, each beat echoing in my mind as I stared intently at the man who had just perished, but I could still hear him, feel him mocking me. I turned back to Sakura. Her pale skin seemed white and a thin trickle of blood ran from her mouth. I reached down to brush away a tear from her cheek and felt her flinch beneath me. I looked into her eyes and nearly broke down sobbing.

I could see it. Everything. Everything I thought I would never see her direct at me was staring me right in the face. I wanted to kneel, beg, grovel for forgiveness. Even if I would never gain it, I wanted her to lie. I needed her to lie. I needed for her to say it was okay. I needed her forgiveness. I needed closure.

It scared me, what I saw. It was haunting my mind and chilled me to the bone. The confusion, the pain, everything that I had caused. I was the one she had trusted to protect her from everything bad, but I was the one who had done her the greatest evil. And she lay under me, her once bright beryl eyes were now faded, her body now marred with cuts and dark bruises, and her spirit was shattered. She lay in pieces like a broken doll and I was the one that broke her.

Rain fell, pattering on the dead foliage around us. I felt my arms give out from under me. Exhaustion crept up my spine, my limbs felt weighted. My lids fell and opened again, I could hear footsteps. "Teme, hurry up! They could be in trouble!" It was Naruto and Sasuke.

I moved my lids up to the semi-conscious girl I rested on. Shame and self-loathing covered me and burrowed into my system, coating and burrowing into every fiber of my being. I felt so unclean, so disgusted with myself. The footsteps were coming closer, the sounds were louder to me now. I felt like crying. What had I done? She had trusted me and I raped her! Oh god, what had I done?

I felt a tear at the corner of my eye and felt my throat constrict. The weighted feel was creeping into my head. She was starting to become fuzzy in my eyes. The footsteps were closer.

I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop it. I wasn't able to do anything to stop it. I couldn't do anything. I was worthless. I wasn't fit to be alive. I had let her get hurt. Darkness was clouding my vision, a tear fell.

"_I'm sorry…"_


	2. Silent Screams: The Unanswered Questions

_You make the sound of pulling heaven down  
You brought the rain's romantic pour  
You make the sound  
You make the sound  
Of pulling heaven down

* * *

_

Heels clicked in the hallowed halls of the hospital. The air seemed sterile; probably from the faint scent of disinfectant mixing with the oxygen. Nurses carted meals and she could hear the secretary dance her fingers on the computer, the clacking sound mixing with the sound of heels. She turned right, giving a silent greeting to the janitor and moving to the right side of the hall, entering room 289.

Once inside, the sounds of outside were lost on her. Here, she heard the hiss of the respirator, the drip of the IV line, and the beep of the heart monitor mixed with anxious pacing and breathing.

Sasuke stared down at his sandals, counting the amount of stitches in his sandals. It helped to keep his mind off things as they waited and it calmed him. It gave him a sense of order to the chaos in his body and so, this was all he could do now. He saw a pair of brown heels enter his field of vision and glanced up before leaving his chair, the object moving back with a sound that seemed too much for such a small room.

Naruto glanced at the woman beside him. She had blonde hair and umber eyes. By the looks of it, she seemed to be only in her mid-twenties, but he knew better. Beneath that young exterior was an old woman and the knowledge she had gained in her years of life and they would need it. "Tsunade-sama, what's her condition?"

Tsunade furrowed her brows. He only called her that title under the direst circumstances. The last time was the ambush from Iwa nin where Neji was slain with Tenten close behind in her grief. She sighed. Those were dark days; they had lost valuable ninja and more importantly, good friends. As she turned her gaze to the occupant of the hospital bed, this was no different.

Tsunade flipped the pages of the clipboard in her hand. "Haruno Sakura, 19. Internal bleeding, sprained ankle, fractured right tibia, fractured left femur, three broken ribs, dislocated shoulder, concussion, and tears to the vaginal wall along with genital contusions. We fixed most of the injuries, but what the hell happened out there?"

"We don't know. From what we could tell, they were ambushed for the scroll we found on her. They fought them and when we found them, we found Kakashi slumped over her body, naked."

Tsunade flicked her gaze to the Uchiha, noting his fists were clenched and his jaw was tight, the same with Naruto. She sighed. "Well, we can't find out what really happened until one of them wakes up, but Sakura's in a coma due to her injuries and Kakashi's no better from overusing his chakra. We just need to wait and hope they wake up."

Naruto nodded and Tsunade turned to the door when Sasuke spoke up. "You're hiding something. What is it?"

She sighed and turned around, her eyes carrying a tiredness that comes with silent grief. She gave a stare and he stared back, silently demanding the information she held. She sighed. It was pointless to try and out-stare him and she was too tired to deny anything. "When we scanned Kakashi's body for any poisons or damage to his chakra system, something was abnormal with his spiritual and mental energy. It seemed both of those were drained also, which is strange, but it could mean nothing. Anyway, visiting hours are over, but you guys can stay. Don't ever say that I never did anything for you." They nodded in understanding and Tsunade silently closed the door behind her.

Naruto turned to his friend. "Hey teme, what do you think happened at the battle?"

Sasuke shrugged, his shoulders lifting under his jounin uniform before turning to his friend in the bed. It seemed surreal, like someone replaced the woman he had come to known once more. Her normally bright beryl eyes were hidden beneath bruised lids. Her body lay broken and wrapped in bandages that seemed alien to her skin and the mouth that lay beneath the oxygen mask seemed to be open in a silent scream, one that seemed to rip at him without words, but with a bittersweet sound that tore at his soul.

When they had come across the scene, he felt his blood chill. Not since facing his brother just two years before had he felt like that. The stench of blood, sweat, and sex, coupled with the sight of the two almost made him retch. He gave a small shiver. The memory would stay with him along with the nauseous sensation that came with it for a while.

He glanced up and saw Naruto still looking at him for an answer. Maybe he needed reassurance like he did. He wanted answers to questions locked away and not meant to be said aloud, but needed to be spoken. He sighed. Naruto wanted words and though he was a prodigy and his talking skills had improved, these were things he could not offer, for those words were locked away from him too.

He raked a hand through ebony locks, sighing tiredly. "I don't know, dobe." And it was true. He really didn't know because the only two that did, weren't talking.


	3. The Darkness Born of Winter

_And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal  
I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming  
Am I too lost to be saved?  
Am I too lost?_

* * *

Feet shuffling and wheels rolled by as a man strolled down the halls of the bustling hospital. He frowned to himself, gripping the pole that held up his IV line and prayed that not too many nurses were ogling his backside as he walked in his hospital gown. Honestly, it was already degrading enough to have been subjected to invasive procedures, but did he really have to wear the hospital gown? Sure, at least he wasn't naked, but with the leers the nurses gave him, he might as well have been.

He looked around the hospital and sighed to himself. How did he get here? He remembered waking up in a hospital bed and the first thing he did was check his mask. Finding no piece of the cloth out of place, he sighed in relief. The second thing he did was test out his limbs, finding them in good order before following the various lines that led from his body. He found most of them were just wires hooking him up to machines and pulled out the catheter from his body. He turned his gaze to the IV line and shrugged. He'd leave it in for the moment.

He stood, his legs wobbling under him as he tried to find his footing. How long had he been there? After deeming himself able to support himself, he walked over to the door and read the patient file.

Hatake Kakashi, 33. Chakra exhaustion, most likely from overuse of Sharingan, bruised ribs, internal bleeding, lacerations, unconscious since Friday.

Kakashi sighed, that had been at least four days ago judging from the calendar that hung on the wall. Afterwards, he walked out of the room to the halls where he was now. He knew why he was here, but what had happened to get him here? Usually, Sakura healed him at his home. Had she gone on a mission? Then he remembered chakra exhaustion from overusing his Sharingan and frowned. What had he done? He wouldn't be as foolish as to overuse it in a spar, so what had he done? Had he gone on a mission? If he did, why didn't he remember anything? Amnesia? No, he wouldn't be able to remember his own name or what village he was in if it was. He shook his head. There was too much to figure out with so little answers. He looked around the doors that lined the halls, his eyes wandering idly when he spotted a familiar name.

Kakashi walked over to the door, reading the name over and over to make sure he was correct. Haruno Sakura, 19, room 289. No, he was right, but why was she here? Did she overexert herself again? Did she get back from a mission? Was she critically injured? Questions spun around his mind at a dizzying pace and he shook his head. There was only one way to find out.

Kakashi checked his right and his left, scanning the halls and finding no one as he pushed down the doorknob, feeling the cool metal on his skin and pushed the door open. He scanned the tile floor, white speckled with greys, pinks, and blues. Next, the two chairs in the room, both empty, then the open window, the curtains billowing in the breeze. He noticed the machinery that stood by the head of the bed and followed the wires and tubes to the hand resting on the white sheets.

He drew his gaze back to take the picture as a whole. Pink hair was fanned out on a pillow, her eyes were shut and the oxygen mask on her face fogged as her chest rose and fell with each breath. Bandages wrapped her arm and an IV trailed from her hand to an IV stand identical to his. The lower half, he couldn't tell. It was covered by her sheets and he felt his gaze drag up her body once more, to the sunken cheeks and frail body and thought he heard the sound of glass breaking.

Pupils dilated and he felt his throat constrict as images flooded his mind, images he had locked away. _A forest stained in blood, her body beneath his, the pentagram and the sickly green glow of the restraints that bound him._ Muscles tensed and he felt his arms move rigidly to grip his hair as his eyes shut themselves to hide. _The sick sound of their joining, her screams and begging, Isao mocking him, Rin, Obito, his father, the sight of his phallus moving out of her core as tears ran down her cheeks. The bloodstained smile and…those eyes._

Kakashi's eyes snapped open and he looked around wildly for an exit. His eyes caught sight of the IV stand and he ripped the tube from his arm, fluid spilling onto the ground, but he didn't notice in his flurry of hand signs or the plume of smoke that signaled his leave.

* * *

He opened his eyes to see his apartment. Instead of seeing furniture, he saw Isao mocking him and heard her screams and felt the bile rise in his throat. He clamped a hand over his mouth, ignoring the blood flowing freeing down his arm as he dashed down the hall to his bathroom. He dropped to his knees and ripped down his mask as he braced himself on the toilet, the smell of acid and the sound of his retching filling his senses.

"_No! Stop!"_

His pupils shrank and he expelled more of his stomach contents as his mind flooded with more images. He felt the sweat on his brow and heard the sound of his panting echo in the bowl, but he couldn't ignore the memories. He could still hear everything, could still see everything, could still feel the sensations. He could still feel his hand on her breast, her body under his, could still feel her writhe under him, could still feel her inner muscles clamp on his shaft.

He shuddered. He could still feel everything and though he was alone in his mind once more, he could still hear a voice in his head taunting him. He covered his eyes with his forearm, leaning tiredly against the seat. He couldn't believe it. It was him that did that to her. The voice in his head cackled, laughing at his torment.

He panted heavily, the sound ringing in his ears, but did nothing to drown out the voice. The voice that didn't sound like Isao's, but eerily similar to his own and right now, it was reminding him of everything he did. Everything he had done, everything he had said, and dirty secrets and deep wounds, anything it could find to prolong his misery. Kakashi shut his eyes further and released a cry of anguish as he threw himself against the wall, trying to block it out. He slammed himself against the cabinet beneath his sink as he tried to rid himself of it. The voice laughed. If anything, the attempts were making him louder with a renewed fervor.

He sank down tiredly against the toilet, the cool porcelain against his skin as the voice taunted him once more, reminding Kakashi of his sin. He could feel himself sinking into something. Something was cloying at him from the inside and he felt cold, the sensation leaving him chilled to the bone. He had to hold on, but the voice whispered something in his ear. Something that broke him with its words and a sickening realization that made him surrender to the darkness in his soul. God, the voice was right. It was him that had raped her. It was him that had done that to her and what was more, he had liked it.


	4. Waking

_She hides underground_

_as the battle cries_

_and the bitter screams sound_

_as she covers her ears,_

_shedding broken tears,_

_trying to wish it all away.

* * *

_

The clock ticked religiously on the wall, the hands moving rigidly as Naruto paced around the room, stopping every once in a while to turn his head to the woman in the bed before starting his pacing once more.

Sasuke sat in the chair to Sakura's right, focusing on the number of pink lines in the tiles beneath him as his brow twitched with every step his blonde friend took. Step. Step. Step. Stop. Step. Step. Step. Stop. Step. Step. Step. Stop. Step. Step. Step. Stop. Step. Step. Ste- "Stop it, dobe."

Naruto turned his head to face his best friend, his eyes narrowed in a glare. "No." he replied. Though the habit was beginning to grate on his own ears, it was all he could do to calm his frazzled nerves.

"You know, with your endless noise, it's a wonder she hasn't woken up yet." he remarked. His eyes became dark and his handsome features, somber. "Maybe she won't wake up."

The silent amendment had not gone unheard and Naruto turned sharply on his heel, his eyes holding his rage as his body tensed. "Don't say that." he growled.

"It's been a week already, Naruto. You can't believe she'll wake up after this long."

Naruto scoffed. "I knew you never really cared about her." He soon found himself pinned against the wall across from the bed staring into garnet eyes and raven commas. "Don't you dare say that." he hissed.

"Why not? It's obvious you don't care about her."

Sasuke knocked him against the wall, his Sharingan spinning lazily. "Don't ever say that again. I love her just as much as you do, but it's time you got out of that fucking dream world you live in where everything turns out alright and into the real world. You heard what Tsunade said. The longer she stays in this state, the less chance she has of waking up. I want her to wake up too, but she might not and I've accepted it, why don't you?"

Naruto shoved him off his body and stalked over to the other side of the room, his body visibly shaking as he tried to control his temper. "Because I know she'll wake up. Unlike you, Sasuke, she doesn't accept defeat so easily. She'll fight this. You say you love her, but you aren't willing to give her credit."

Sasuke gripped the metal rail of the bed, fighting down the urge to punch him. "I do love her, but you're also not recognizing her limitations. There is only so much she can handle before she has to give up. You know she might not wake up, but you aren't willing to accept the facts."

"I know she will. I have faith in her. Where's yours?"

"With her, but in case you forgot, it was hard for me to believe in anything anymore after Itachi kill-"

"Are you always going to hide behind that excuse? You've killed him already and avenged your clan. You can face up against your brother, an S-class missing nin, but you can't face up to anything having to do with faith and belief? Wow, I never knew Sasuke was such a coward. You're a disgrace to your name."

"You bastard!" Sasuke roared as he leapt over the bed, slamming Naruto into the ground, his Sharingan spinning wildly.

* * *

Sakura looked around. Nothing. There was nothing here. No lights, no sounds, nothing, but darkness and her. She looked around wildly and raised a hand to her mouth. "Hello?" she called out.

The sound became more distant in the darkness. The echo seemed to go for miles. She bit her lip and rubbed her arms for the comfort of touch. She looked around her, then settled to stare up. _'Will I ever get out of here?'_

Suddenly, she heard a clattering sound and snapped her gaze to her left. "Hello?" Another clatter and her feet began to follow the sound. "Hello?" Another clatter followed by the sounds of shouting. "Hello?" A loud crash and the sounds of a voice filtered through, her walk moving into a jog. "Hello?!" A white dot stood on the horizon, steadily growing larger. Another crash, a shout, and a familiar voice and she broke out into a run. "Hello?!" she screamed. The light enveloped her and there was silence.

* * *

The sound of fists connecting with bone was heard and blood dripped from Naruto's mouth to the tiles. "Is that all you got, wimp?" Sasuke growled and placed his legs ready for a run, but saw a flicker at the corner of his gaze. He looked out of the corner of his eyes and saw a flutter of lashes. "What? Too afraid to attack me now?"

Sasuke didn't hear the taunt as he watched in amazement as brows knitted and a frown brought out a lower lip. "Come on, teme!"

Lashes fluttered and green peaked out from cream-colored skin. An astonished smile painted itself over Sasuke's mouth. "Sakura!"

Naruto blinked. "Sakura? Sakura?" He turned his head and felt his confusion turn to joy. "Sakura!" he screamed running to her bedside.

Brows knitted in concentration and the lids were lifted. "Naruto?"

Sasuke ran over to her bedside, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he tried to calm his excitement. "Sakura?"

Sakura heard Sasuke's voice, relishing the smoothness of the silken sound. It might have been one of the things she loved most about him. She turned her head and stared into pools of red and black, blood and charcoal. Images flashed across her eyes at a maddening pace, but she could sort out two colors. Scarlet and onyx, the colors of his gaze. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

Naruto stared in shock as Sakura lashed out at their ebony-haired friend. Sasuke moved away from the swipe aimed for his face, thin lines of red appearing on his cheek. He held her wrists and she screamed more.

"No! No! No! Stop. Please! Let go! Let go, let go, let go! No! Stop! Stop!" she yelled, her legs kicking into the air, tangled in hospital sheets. A foot landed in Sasuke's stomach and a rush of air left his lungs as he fought to restrain her. Sasuke turned to Naruto. "Naruto! Get Tsunade! I don't know how much longer I can hold her!"

Naruto blinked and saw the scene before him before dashing out into the hall. He ran down corridors, turning corners and dodging the various medics before spotting a familiar crown of yellow. "Baa-chan!"

Tsunade tensed, her brow twitching dangerously as she snapped her head over her shoulder. "You little brat. I thought I told you-"

The sentence was left hanging as she took in his appearance. He was resting his hands on his knees, his breathing rapid and his body tense. He looked up, worry and fear in his cerulean gaze. "Baa-chan. It's Sakura-chan. She's-" No sooner as he mentioned her name was he left scrambling after the Gondaime.

He caught up to her in front of the slightly ajar door of room 289. Sounds of crashing and shattering leaked from the room. "Sakura, calm down. It's me, Sasuke."

"No! Leave me alone! Don't touch me!"

"Sakura, you have to calm down. You're going to hurt yourself!"

"Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!"

The door slammed open and Sasuke turned to see a stunned Tsunade in the doorway, her hand planted firmly on the door. He stared at the door in a trance-like state when the sensation of flesh being torn on his wrist brought his attention back. "Tsunade! You have to calm her down!"

"No! No! No! No!" Sakura screamed as she struggled in his grasp.

Tsunade blinked and nodded. A hand slipped into her robe and she pulled out a syringe and a small vial. She walked closer and saw Sakura's pupils dilate. "No! Stop! Don't come near me!"

"Sasuke, hold her steady." Tsunade ordered.

Sasuke nodded and held her arms steady, but her legs lashed up. "Dobe! Stop standing around and help me!"

Naruto blinked and ran over to hold down her legs, staring uneasily up at the group. Sasuke's face was set into sheer determination as he rode out Sakura's attempts to throw them off her. Her own eyes were darting around wildly, her breathing was quick and shallow. He turned to his leader and saw her face set in stone as she gripped her student's arm. Her eyes widened slightly before narrowing as she plunged the needle into her arm.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Sakura screamed as she fought to tear her arm away, but Tsunade held on and pushed the top of the syringe, the clear liquid disappearing from inside. She quickly removed the needle and placed her thumb on the site of injection, summoning a small amount of chakra to seal the wound.

Naruto watched as Sakura's eyes rolled back before darting around the room. Emerald shifted wildly before her lids fell. Once, twice, then shut. Whimpers escaped her mouth and Tsunade shushed her, a hand running through her hair soothingly before Sakura quieted.

Naruto snatched his hands back and dropped them to his sides as Sasuke removed his hands from her wrists cautiously, wincing at the purple discoloration that appeared. Naruto blinked. "Is she…"

Tsunade shook her head as she stood. "No, it was just a tranquilizer. She should wake up in a few hours. I'm glad to see her awake, but what happened to get her all riled up like that?"

Naruto shrugged. "We, Sasuke-teme and I, were fighting and she woke up. She looked at me and then she looked at Sasuke and started freaking out."

"She looked at Sasuke?"

"Yeah. He had his Sharingan on and when he looked at her, she started screaming."

Tsunade sighed. "The Sharingan must have triggered a memory from her mission to appear, but we won't know for sure until Kakashi wakes up and tells us what happened. In the meantime, Sasuke, don't activate your kekkei genkai around her." Sasuke nodded and she smiled tiredly. "Alright. The worst is over. Let's get you cleaned up and then we can relax."

Suddenly, a slam on the door was heard and everyone turned to the haggard-looking Shizune, her eyes darting around wildly. Tsunade blinked. "What's wrong?"

Shizune swallowed and began to pant once more. "It's Kakashi, Tsunade-sama. We can't find him!"


	5. The Blame Game

_And I hurt inside  
I want to know  
The depths of your mind  
Tell me this whole thing is madness_

* * *

_Previously:_

_Suddenly, a slam on the door was heard and everyone turned to the haggard-looking Shizune, her eyes darting around wildly. Tsunade blinked. "What's wrong?"_

_Shizune swallowed and began to pant once more. "It's Kakashi, Tsunade-sama. We can't find him!"

* * *

_

Tsunade blinked and touched a hand to her head. "I'm sorry. I thought I just heard you say that Kakashi was missing."

"I did! Apparently, he's been missing since three days ago!"

"How did it go unnoticed for three whole days?!" Tsunade held a hand up to hush Shizune. She didn't want to know. She'd deal with the staff later. _'I need a vacation. With sake. Lots and lots of sake.'_ she thought rubbing her temples.

She quickly turned to the two men. "Okay. I want you two to find that pervert and check up on him before he does something stupid and then tell me." Sasuke and Naruto blinked and Tsunade's lips curled in a snarl. "What the fuck are you waiting for? GO!" Sasuke and Naruto nodded before disappearing out the window, the curtains billowing in the breeze.

Tsunade sighed and Shizune walked into the door as she watched her collapse into a chair. "Are you alright, Tsunade-sama?" Her head lolled back against the back of the chair and stole a glance at the pink-haired girl in the bed, her heart crumbling with each passing second.

It wasn't fair. Sakura was the brightest girl she ever had the pleasure to know and she had considered her to be something of a daughter, especially since she had taken legal custody of her three years ago when her parents died of disease. Tears came to the corners of her eyes. It just wasn't fair. Why did this have to happen to her? Everyone she had ever cared for always seemed to have a horrible fate. _'And I haven't given her the necklace yet.'_ she thought wryly. No, that was a horrible thought, she reprimanded herself.

She let her gaze stray to Shizune who was still waiting for an answer. Tsunade sighed. "No." she acquiesced. She turned to face her worried friend and felt a wry smile split across her face. "But when have I ever been?"

* * *

Sasuke felt like pulling out his hair. He sat down on the green rooftop of one of the local residences of Konoha and sighed frustratedly. "Where the hell is he? We've checked everywhere! The bar, Ichiraku, all the training grounds, all the porn shops, the baths, everywhere!"

Naruto tapped his cheek in thought. "Not everywhere…"

Sasuke turned back to glare at his blonde friend. "What do you mean 'not everywhere'? Where could he possibly be that we haven't…" Sasuke's eyes widened and he smirked. "Maybe you aren't as dumb as you look."

Naruto grinned. "Heh heh. Yeah, I'm not as dumb as I…HEY!"

But it was too late. Sasuke was already bounding the rooftops towards their target.

* * *

Water dripped from the overhang outside as rain beat down on the ground below. The sky was painted grey as two men stood outside of a small apartment complex door during the off-and-on shower.

Naruto held his hand tentatively to the red-painted door and turned tentatively to face the stoic man beside him. One look in his eyes and he saw the anxiety and unease that mirrored his own, doing nothing to calm his nerves. A calm nod was given and Naruto gulped before knocking on the door. "Kakashi-sensei?" Silence echoed and Naruto steeled his nerves. "Kakashi-sensei?" Nothing.

The two looked to each other worriedly. Sasuke looked to Naruto and he wordlessly stepped aside as Sasuke picked the lock. Naruto stepped forward, grasping the doorknob. With a firm turn and a push, they were in. "Kakashi-sensei?"

Naruto looked around the living room. A television stood atop a small dark table and a large black couch sat against the wall to their left across from a coffee table. The room was painted white, contrasting with the dark furniture. Though there was a thin layer of dust, the room was clean, all except the bloodstain on the white carpet. Sasuke and Naruto exchanged glances before walking into the apartment.

They worked quietly, opening door after door and searching room after room, finding nothing. They had finished searching the bathroom and stood in the hall, contemplatively. They were about to give up when they heard faint mumblings filter through an open room. Sasuke wanted to slap himself. They had forgotten _his_ room.

* * *

White walls, a bed, a dresser, a bookshelf, a closet, and a desk. That was what lay inside the room just beyond the white door. Kakashi sat against his dresser by the window, leaning on the wall as he shifted his legs. "My fault. All my fault and I liked it. It was all my fault. I deserve to the die." he muttered to himself. The door creaked open and he snapped his gaze up to the horrified faces staring back at him.

Naruto stared at the shadow of the man he once knew. His silver hair was slick and clumped together, his left forearm was swollen and red, a yellow pus weeping from the gash, infection having set in. Sasuke scanned the body, his frame seemed smaller, his bones starting to peek out from the opening of his hospital gown. He looked up and stared at the face, his cheeks were sunken and dark circles lay under his eyes beside the dried tears, his mismatched gaze, dull.

Naruto opened the door further and they walked over to him, watching the man draw his legs to himself as he lay his head on the wall, anxiety creeping into his mutterings. Naruto moved a hand forward and watched Kakashi flinch and draw further into a fetal position and drew his hand back guiltily as he gazed onto the broken form of his ex-sensei. He felt a tightness in his chest and knew that Sasuke was probably feeling the same. What had happened to him?

"Kakashi-sensei, you don't look that good. Shouldn't you go to the hospital?" Even Naruto felt like slapping himself after the sentence left his mouth.

"No, can't. She's there."

Naruto bit his lip and decided to try again. "Well, have you at least been getting sleep?"

He shook his head and began rocking himself. "No, can't. The voice starts talking even more and the images, the images come back and I can see everything again."

He mentally frowned. Kakashi's voice was hoarse and cracked. Had he even gotten water for himself since he left? "Images of what?"

Kakashi looked up. "The mission."

Naruto blinked and stared at his ex-sensei. "What happened on the mission?"

Kakashi began to rock himself once more, but he would meet their gaze once in a while. "Well…we went on a mission. Get a scroll back from the Kazekage. We were going back and then we-we got ambushed." he answered, his eyes shut in concentration as his hands grasped in the air for words only he could see. "We started fighting and…"

"And?"

Suddenly, he began gripping his hair, his eyes darting around before disappearing beneath his lids. "I liked it. He says I liked it and since he's in my mind and sounds like me, he must be me and he says I liked it, so I must have liked it. I keep seeing it in my mind. God, I'm sick. I'm so fucking messed up. I-"

"Kakashi, when we found you, you were on top of Sakura and you were both naked. She was half-conscious when we pried you apart and Sakura lapsed into a coma afterwards. She had bruises and her nails were torn and covered in dirt and blood. We have no idea what happened and we wanna know. What happened to her?"

Kakashi looked up, the rocking had stopped and his head was resting on the wall once more. He turned his head further away from them and murmured something. Naruto blinked. "I'm sorry?"

Another murmur.

"Kakashi, you're going to have to speak up. We can't hear you."

Kakashi turned, his face resembling the man they knew. His half-lidded gaze looked up and met their gaze, holding cerulean and onyx with scarlet and charcoal. He took a breath and used a tone that betrayed no emotion and held simplicity key, but spoke volumes to them. "I raped her."

"**You what?!**"

Sasuke fought to restrain the snarling boy as he held him back from holding under his arms and entwining their legs. Even from behind the boy, he could see the whiskers on his cheeks widen and the red that stained what was once blue and the bloodlust that lay within. "Calm down, Naruto!"

Naruto lashed out, a clawed hand swiping forward. "I'll kill you!" Sasuke leaned back, trying to use his weight to help him hold Naruto back. "Let go of me, Sasuke!"

"No, Naruto. Look at him!" Naruto swung his gaze to the man on the floor and the bloodlust disappeared as blue appeared once more.

Kakashi's face held nothing. His face would rarely betray him, but his eyes always spoke volumes. Even now, emotions swirled around the charcoal orb. Guilt, sadness, disgust, shame, remorse, anxiety, regret, self-loathing, fear to name a few, but something in there made Naruto's blood run cold. He saw it clearly in Kakashi's haunted gaze and felt the bile rise in his throat. Kakashi wanted to die. He was silently pleading for them…to kill him.

Kakashi watched Naruto's arms fall limply at his sides and he looked down ashamedly. He was being selfish. He had already stolen Sakura's life from her and he wanted to have someone to steal his so he could run from his fears. He looked up and saw Naruto walk out of the room and turned his gaze to Sasuke, in the back of his mind, he was wondering what Sasuke was going to do.

Sasuke looked back at him and he saw that his pale skin was paler than before and saw the cold sweat that ran down his face. He watched Sasuke's gaze flick to the door then back. Kakashi watched his pupil desert him again, but for once, he could not blame him.


	6. Fairness Was Never Part of the Plan

_My wounds cry for the grave  
My soul cries for deliverance  
Will I be denied?  
Christ, Tourniquet  
My suicide..._

* * *

"You may go now." The two men nodded in acknowledgment and walked out the door.

Tsunade stared at the door, her brows furrowed from her recent discussion with the two men she sent yesterday to check up on Kakashi. She pushed back her chair and let her head fall over the back of it, emitting a tired sigh and raked painted nails through golden locks. It was just as she suspected, and feared.

Never in a million years would she have guessed him to rape a person, much less a girl he trusted with his life. Maybe that was the reason. Had he become attracted to her and propositioned her on the mission and taken her when she refused? No, that was like Kakashi. It wasn't his style. He'd never jeopardize a mission for one night of sin and he'd certainly not do it with Sakura, but still…it had happened…

"Shizune, cancel all my appointments today and ask one of the council members to take over for the day. We need to find some answers."

* * *

Shizune stood outside the small apartment door and took a breath, the grip on the small tape recorder tightening slightly. She knew she had to get this done, but still, after discovering what had happened, she had become wary of the man. _'What if he…'_ She shook her head and quickly chastised herself. That was horrible to think of him when they had no record of what happened, but then again, that was why she was there. Taking another deep breath, she quickly picked the lock and stepped inside. 

Dark eyes scanned the room. It was just like him. Everything seemed to have been picked at random, giving it a relaxed, almost lazy feel, but everything in the room had a purpose, even the bloodstain in the carpet, but she doubted he knew that.

She stepped into the kitchen, a small room with a stove, a refrigerator, three chairs, and a table. She scanned the room and her eyes stopped upon finding a lone figure in one of the chairs.

Her brain had stalled, surprised at finding the man right in front of her. His appearance didn't seem like what Naruto and Sasuke had reported, but then she noticed the faint scent of soap. She looked down and saw dripping wet silver hair. He had taken a shower and she was pleased at the thought, but then noticed the redness on his body. She became alarmed. Had he been trying to scrub his skin off? She shook her head and sat in the chair beside his.

She shifted in her seat as she placed the tape recorder onto the table. She stared ahead at the man and began noticing things she hadn't before. His skin-covered bones peeked out of the hospital gown he still wore and his eyes had dark circles under them. Had he gotten any sleep at all? She brought her eyes down his face to rest at the infected wound on his arm. She sighed and searched for a first-aid kit.

She stood, healing what she could while mentally frowning at him for not taking care of himself better. She sat back down quietly and reached into her sleeve to pull out a small prescription bottle. "Take one of these every six hours. It'll kill the infection," she said shaking the bottle. He wordlessly took the bottle and she pressed a button on the machine she had brought before continuing with her questions. "Have you gotten any sleep since the mission?"

"Yes."

"When and how much?"

"In the hospital when I was in the coma. After I left, maybe five hours?"

Shizune nodded, her brows furrowing as she made a note to give him pills for insomnia. She clasped her hand in front of her. "Hatake-san, I'm going to be asking you some questions. They'll be about the mission you had eight days ago. I need you to tell me everything that happened. Can you do that?" He nodded and she nodded in affirmation before opening her eyes, her dark gaze boring into his.

"What happened on that mission?"

* * *

Sakura looked up from the window. "I'm sorry?" 

Tsunade smiled and patted her hand on the table. "It's alright. I'll ask again. What happened on the mission, Sakura?"

Sakura froze, her eyes moving from her teacher to the view of Konoha from her hospital window.

"Take all the time you need, Sakura."

She nodded and took a deep breath. In her reflection, her brows furrowed and her lips moved into a frown as she tried to sift through her hazy memories. "We were coming back from the Kazekage. Gaara had given us the scroll and we were a few hours from Konoha when we got attacked…"

"You're doing great, Sakura."

She nodded and her lips pursed as she concentrated more. "We were…ambushed. Yeah. We were ambushed by a group of missing nin. They said they wanted the scroll and we fought for hours. We managed to get a few of them in the first hour, but the others were harder.

"I remember fighting two while Kakashi was fighting one, one of them had hid. I won against one of them and I was fighting another one. And…I remember Pakkun being sent an hour ago and I saw Kakashi was still fighting that one guy."

"What happened next?"

"Kakashi beat him after a while with Chidori, but he was tired. His sharingan was starting to take its toll and I was still fighting my opponent when the other one came out of nowhere."

"What had he looked like?"

"It was…strange. He looked a lot like Inoichi-san." Sakura looked up to see the surprised face of the Gondaime and the grimness that mixed with the emotion in her umber gaze. Sakura started to shake her head.

"But that isn't possible. It wasn't genjutsu and Ino never mentioned an uncle like that."

Tsunade nodded and urged her to continue.

"After a while, I beat my opponent and I heard Kakashi-sensei coming towards me."

"Are you sure it wasn't genjutsu?"

Sakura's brows furrowed, her expression troubled. "That was the weird thing. It didn't feel like genjutsu, but I could feel that something was off about him, like it was him, but wasn't at the same time."

Tsunade nodded and noted that down on a small notepad. "What happened next?"

She could feel her muscles tense as she saw the pictures all over again, the sensations crawling up her skin. She shuddered. It was bad enough that the nightmares were all she ever saw, but it was day and it seemed like they were still after her, were still able to come after her, but then again, maybe they were.

Her breathing was slightly quicker now, not enough to cause much alarm, but just enough to pique the senses and start the slow churning feeling of worry. Tsunade clasped her apprentice's hand and Sakura swallowed and nodded._ 'Deep breaths.' _she reminded herself.

"We exchanged light banter and I turned around to get my gloves when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and I remember falling backwards. We landed, him on top of me, and I told him to get off of me and then…he kissed me."

A stinging sensation made itself known and her breathing was slightly uneven, but she pressed on. "I was confused. I started asking myself why he was doing this. I tried to push him away, but he kept my legs and wrists pinned to the ground and he…he ripped my shirt."

Her arms shielded her front self-consciously.

"I tried pushing harder now. H-his hand, it moved. It moved down and ripped off my shorts and then, it started to rain…" Her voice trailed off as she sat in a trance but she quickly caught herself. "I started to kick at him now, but he wouldn't budge. He took off his vest and shirt and asked if something was wrong. Then, he…he…"

"He what, Sakura?"

"He…took off his pants and moved his hips against me," she blushed, whether from shame or embarrassment, Tsunade didn't know. Maybe a combination of both.

"He took a kunai…was it a kunai? Yeah, it was. He took it and he c-cut my bindings and he touched me there and-and he asked if I liked it." she choked out, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes as her breathing quickened.

"E-everything was going so fast. I felt dizzy. I tried to close my legs, but they wouldn't move and I looked up at him and…and…" A broken laugh escaped her lips. "I saw his face. Seven years and I finally see his face." she smiled, the tears were coming faster. Tsunade furrowed her brows.

"His hand twitched and then it moved down and he…he stuck it in me and said that I was wet." She bit her lips and wrung her hands nervously, her shoulders rising and falling with each breath.

"He bound my wrists with wire. It was tight. I felt the blood run down my wrists. I asked him why he was doing this and he smiled and said 'Because I can.'" she stated sternly.

"He moved back and he put it in me and it hurt. It hurt a lot and I begged him to stop, but he didn't. He kept going and I kept begging and he wouldn't stop and it kept hurting. It really hurt and he kept saying things, these awful things and I screamed. I screamed for him to stop and he kept going and I could hear the noises, these wet noises and his breathing and it hurt. Why won't it stop hurting?!"

Tsunade watched as Sakura suddenly froze, her pupils dilating. She reached forward hesitantly and Sakura recoiled. "No! Don't come near me! I'll be quiet, I'll do anything, just stop!"

"Sakura, calm down, it's me, Tsunade." she said reaching forward. Sakura moved further back. Her chair toppled, and she spilled onto the floor, scrambling to get away.

"No! Don't come near me! Stop! No! Stop it! Please, sensei, stop! I'm begging you, please! Don't-don't hurt me!" she screamed. Tsunade rushed forward from her chair, folding her arms around the girl. "No! Don't touch me! Get away! Get away!" she said, beating her fists against Tsunade's shoulders.

Tsunade rode it out, her hands keeping the girl firmly against her. "It's okay, Sakura. I'm here. I'm here. I won't let anything happen to you. Shhhh…"

A choked sob escaped Sakura's lips and her fists opened, her fingers gripping her clothing weakly as she sobbed heavily. "I was so s-scared…scared…scared…" Tsunade let a hand smooth through pink hair. "It's okay. I'm here now. It's okay." she reassured, her eyes staring ahead, determination in her gaze.

* * *

A sigh echoed in the room. The candle by the desk flickered as moonlight bathed the dim-lit room. Tsunade set down her pencil and folded her hands to cradle her chin. 

It was beautiful. She could see the moonlight hit the village and watched the blue light bathe her office. She sighed and raked a hand through her hair. _'But beauty is never long-lived. Even the jutsu I'm using. After I run out of chakra or when I die, this will be gone.'_ she thought, a finger touching her cheek.

The office was small. Scrolls and books lined the shelves on the wall and empty sake bottles were stashed in the corner, casting blue light of their own in the moonshine. Paperwork was strewn around the room, on the floor, in the shelves, in her desk, but most littered her desktop, carelessly shoved aside as she worked. Though it was small, it was unusually quiet. At this time, Shizune would be bringing her another bottle of sake, but she wasn't here tonight.

After Tsunade convinced Sakura to rest and gave her something to calm her nerves, she went to her office. A few minutes later, Shizune appeared and it surprised her. Not the fact that she was done so early, Shizune could handle any task given to her, but her appearance. She looked unusually pale, her hair was mussed, like she had been pulling at it. She looked haggard. Not like the professional woman she had come to know and love, so when she asked to have the rest of the day off, she didn't hesitate to give it to her.

Tsunade let her gaze travel to the tape resting at the edge of her desk. It was the interview with Kakashi that Shizune had. What had happened? What had he said to unnerve Shizune so much?

She sneered openly. She could guess. _'Probably gloating about his exploit.'_ But rationality emerged once again. He'd never do that. He wasn't the kind of person to do something like that. Chivalry was dead, but he didn't care, it was his thing. He'd never do something to upset a woman like this, so what had he said?

Tsunade cast a glance to the tape, her lips pursing. Maybe she had been hasty with her poison. Had she stopped to consider what he had to say about this? No, she hadn't. Her care for her student had blinded her from believing anything but what Sakura said. She sighed. _'Might as well get this over with.'_

She picked up the tape, popping out the one of her interview with Inoichi. According to him, he did have a brother who became a missing-nin. Sakura had been right, but was this really anything important? She sighed. It was the only lead she had, but she had new evidence to listen to and pressed play.

The machine let out a hiss and the tape rolled slowly. Tsunade took out a new notepad and listened intently.

"_Have you gotten any sleep since the mission?"_

"_Yes."_

"_When and how much?"_

"_In the hospital when I was in the coma. After I left, maybe five hours?"_

"_Kakashi-san, I'm going to be asking you some questions. They'll be about the mission you had eight days ago. I need you to tell me everything that happened. Can you do that?"_

There was a pause. Kakashi probably nodded and Shizune continued.

"_What happened on that mission?"_

There was a stretched silence and she could hear a heavy sigh. It was probably Kakashi's. Suddenly, his voice came onto the tape. _"It was eight days ago. I was assigned to guard Haruno Sakura as she went to the Sand village for a scroll. The Kazekage, Gaara, handed us the scroll and we headed back. Approximately 500 kilometers away from the village, we were attacked by the missing nin."_

"_What happened next?"_

"_We engaged in combat. We got into defensive stance alpha-dash-nine. She put away the scroll and put on her gloves, I took out a kunai and exposed my sharingan."_

_Pause._

"_What happened next?"_

"_Hours later, we had narrowed down the numbers, but we were starting to get exhausted and I summoned Pakkun to get backup. I used Chidori on one of the enemies while Sakura continued to fight her enemies. _

"_She continued to fight while I looked around, trying to conserve my chakra. A blow came at me and I dodged it. The last of the missing nin group was the one who threw the punch. His name was Yamanaka Isao. He was from the Hidden Leaf Village." _

"_What happened next?"_

"_We exchanged banter. We started talking more in depth and he suggested telling me about his past. I agreed. I thought I could use the time to recuperate and formulate a plan. After approximately twenty minutes, I attacked Isao, only to find it was another clone. He then knocked me from the tree. He told me about him being the strongest of the missing nin we faced and I remember blacking out."_

"_Did you wake up?"_

"_Yes. I woke a few minutes later. I noticed two semi-circles and in them, I saw the forest. I tried to move, but I found I was bound to a pentagram. Suddenly, I heard Isao's voice and he explained to me that we were in my mind."_

"_In your mind?"_

_"Yes. He told me it was a jutsu he made to nullify my Sharingan. It would allow the user to enter another person's mind and use their chakra to fuel the jutsu while allowing them complete control of the other person's body."_

The sound of pencil scratching on paper could be heard and they suddenly stopped. _"Continue." _

"_I asked him what he was going to do with that jutsu and he said…he said…"_

"_He said what, Hatake-san?"_

"_He said all in due time, but he'd make me wish that he killed me earlier."_

_Pause. _Tsunade waited, her pencil tapping rapidly on the table. Just when she was about to press the eject button, she heard voices once more.

"_Okay Hatake-san, after he said that, what happened?"_

"_I was moving. Well, not me, but my body. And I-I mean me-I mean-"_

"_Just refer to Isao's control of your body as him."_

An exhale was heard. _"Alright."_

"_Proceed."_

"_Sakura had just finished killing the two nin and she turned around to greet me. She talked and he responded just like I would have after listening to my thoughts. She turned around to pick up her glove and he grabbed her wrist and tripped her. He fell on top of her and she told him that he was heavy and he crushed his lips onto hers and then..."_

"_And then?…"_

"_He forced her legs apart and pinned her down and that's when I realized he was planning to rape her."_

"_Did you attempt to stop it?"_

"_Yes, but I couldn't move. I told him that she wasn't going to sit back and let him rape her and he taunted-no, he corrected me."_

"_How?"_

_"He told me…that it was me doing it. It was my body and that she wasn't going to fight me because she trusted me. It made sense, even now it still does. It still does…"_

Slightly erratic breathing patterns could be heard on the tape and a glass slid across the table. A gulp and the telltale 'clunk' of the glass were heard before a throat was cleared. _"Please focus, Hatake-san."_

_"Yes, of course, sorry."_

_Pause._

_"After trying to escape my binds, I tried to shut out what was happening, but my eyes were forced open. He told me I was going to watch it and he said things about Sakura."_

_"What kind of things?"_

_"How she was such a babe and how he was going to have fun with her."_

_"…"_

_"He ripped her shorts and it started to rain. My clothes were taken off and Sakura whimpered. He looked down and he asked what was the matter. It wasn't enough for him to taunt me, but he had to do it to her also. After that, she asked why I was doing this to her and he took off his pants and ground into her. Her body reacted and she tried to get away. He cut her bindings and started to play with her nipples and asked 'Don't you like it, Sakura-chan?'_

_"She started crying and tried to escape by clawing at the ground to her get away. She couldn't move and she tried to clamp her legs shut, but he had them pinned down. She said my name in a bare whisper, silently asking why I was doing this and he touched her and her spine arched. He told me that she was responsive and that I had a hell of a student. He started grinding into her and I tried to focus my chakra to break my bonds. They stretched a bit before snapping back. I thought I saw my hand move…_

_"…"_

_"He asked me if I was liking the show. When I didn't respond, he placed two fingers into her and pulled them back out to show her the moisture on his fingers. He bound her wrists and put his fingers back into her and started to finger her and she looked up at me; I could see the pain and fear in her eyes. She asked me why I was doing this to her and I wanted to tell her that it wasn't me. That I'd never do something like this. That if I could turn back time, I'd kill myself before this happened, but I couldn't and he said 'Because I can.'"_

A tense silence was heard and Tsunade could hear Shizune trying to get him to release his fists because his hands were bleeding, but she could hear something solid hit the table and heard the hatred and rage in his words. _"No, it's not okay! The sick bastard was toying with her. She was screaming for me to stop and he kept going. He didn't care about her, only that he was getting a quick fuck. She kept screaming and crying and begging for me to stop and he kept going and he kept taunting her. He kept telling her how tight she felt and how she should scream more and he wouldn't stop! No matter how much she begged him, he wouldn't!"_

_"…"_

Breathing, he was trying to calm down._ "I closed my eyes, trying to block out everything and then…I heard him."_

_"Isao?"_

_"No, my father."_

_"Your father?"_ Shizune's voice was hushed.

_"I shut my eyes further. I didn't know whether it was in defiance or not. It seems trivial now, but at that time, it meant the world to me. Then I heard Obito and Rin."_

_"Wait, how? Why them?"_

_"…Because he went through my memories. He knew that I'd listen to them, knew I cared about them. That'd with all the guilt I harbored, I'd do anything to please them."_

_A chuckle._

_"You know, I almost did. I almost wanted to give in after they told me to, but this stupid annoying voice in my head said that I shouldn't give up, that they weren't really the people I had loved. That their memory was being defiled. I listened to it and forced them to leave from sheer will._

_"…It was then that I remembered Sakura's first Chuunin exam and her battle with Ino. I remembered how she forced Ino from her mind and I was going to try to do the same with Isao._

_"I waited until his guard was down. He was getting closer, his thrusts were erratic and his breathing was harsh. Sakura was still screaming, but her voice was hoarse._

_"…He was getting closer, his thrusts were faster. He was starting to get frantic to find that release and he touched her bundle of nerves, forcing her to orgasm. His guard dropped as he emptied into her and I summoned all my energy and focused it to force him out. I remember blinking and staring at the dirt over her shoulder and tested a hand. I found it worked and I picked up a kunai and threw it._

_Glass cracked._

_"It hit him in the middle of his windpipe. Blood bubbled from his mouth and he coughed out more. It streamed down from his nose, his mouth, his throat, he was dying, but…he smiled. The bastard was smiling like he won. In a way, I guess he did. It was like I could still hear him taunting me. Asking if I liked it. What he did to her."_

_"…"_

_"I looked down at Sakura. She had cuts and bruises on her skin. The scent of sex mingled with the blood and rain and I saw a tear run down her cheek. I moved to brush it aside and I felt her flinch under my touch and that's when it hit me. The pale skin, the trickle of crimson from her lips. Her eyes were dead and blood and mud caked her pink hair. She looked like the perfect broken doll…"_

_Soft sniffling and choked sobs._

_"I heard Naruto and Sasuke coming closer and that's when I realized what just happened, what I just did."_

_"Kakashi, it wasn't you, it was-"_

_Glass shattered and a faint tinkling was heard as they hit the floor. Leather creaked and there were muffled sobs and strangled, anguished cries. "No, it was. Even if he did it, it was my body and it reacted to everything and I could've gotten out at anytime. I should've have thought of it sooner. I should've stopped him earlier. It was all my fault and I raped her and the voices won't stop! They won't stop telling me how good she felt and how much I really liked it and how much I want more and I want to crawl into a hole and die and I can't sleep anymore. The voices won't leave me alone and when I sleep, I see her. She looked so hurt and I caused it and-and-I'm sorry! Sakura, I'm so sorry! Forgive me! I'll do whatever you want. I'll leave you alone! I'll kill myself. I'll do anything, just forgive me!_

_"…sorry…I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!…"_

Tsunade hurriedly pressed the stop button. She could feel her hammering heart and the chill in her blood. She fell back into her chair and pressed a hand against her forehead, her body shaking as the words of the tape spun around in her head. She felt bewildered, lost. Was that what really happened? Was it really not his fault? Had he really not raped her?

Things began to spin faster, their pace maddening. Pieces were fitting together. It was beginning to make sense now. It wasn't Kakashi's fault. It wasn't his fault, but he blamed himself and Sakura was traumatized beyond belief. Their friendship was broken and everything had changed. Why did everything have to change? Why had she sent them on that mission? Why did everything have to turn out this way?

A small voice in her head laughed bitterly. _'Why does the wind blow? Why does the sun shine?'_ it goaded.

She sighed heavily. A breeze floated into her office, the cold air brushing against her forearms as she rested her forehead on her wrist, elbows propped up on the desk. _'Why can't things ever turn out right? Why can't people get happy endings? Why isn't life FAIR?!'_

She laughed at herself, the sound broken, even to her ears. She knew the answer, knew it so well that she could write a book on it. Life was full of shit. It took away her brother, took away her lover, and numerous friends, and left her to deal with the grief. She knew life wasn't fair; it would never be, but, she could still dream…


	7. Nightmares

_It's not what it seems.  
Not what you think  
No, I must be dreaming.  
It's only in my mind,  
Not real life.  
No, I must be dreaming._

* * *

A wind blew across the hospital entrance and a relaxed sigh escaped a person's lips as they stepped down the stairs, a smile on their face.

Sakura looked around at the scenery that met her gaze. Trees and shrubs lined the walls of the hospital entrance, a bird sung from its secluded nest in the tree in the far right-hand corner, and in the distance, just outside the hospital gate, she saw children playing 'ninja' in the streets.

A smile crossed her face, her beryl eyes shimmering in the sunlight. It was hard to believe she had even been in the hospital when nothing had changed. Nope, it was all the same. Nothing had changed, nothing was out of place, nothing was out of the ordinary since her stay in the hospital. Just how long was she there? Even she couldn't remember. To be honest, the days in her hospital bed seemed to meld into one seemingly endless hour that she didn't even bother to keep track anymore. Time was never relevant to begin with, anyway.

Time. And she found her thoughts straying to the man who seemed to have all the time in the world. A shiver ran down her spine.

Now, she knew just what had happened to Kakashi. Tsunade tried to explain it as well as she could through her distraught voice and Sakura could only listen to a few moments at a time before she broke down again.

Idly, she wondered just how many trees died for the tissues used that night, but she shoved that thought aside for the one that had been plaguing her for so many nights. She hadn't been the only one violated that night. Kakashi had fallen to that man just as she had. He was not responsible for his actions that night. After all, how could you control what you did when someone else pulled the strings?

Beryl eyes scanned the foliage inside the gates of the hospital as a mind was plagued with worry. When she was a few days away from being released, she remembered Shizune coming in to talk to Tsunade. She had only heard snippets of the conversation. Something about 'refills' and 'sleep', but as soon as she heard her former sensei's name she looked up from her pristine white sheets to the dark-haired woman. _"What about Kakashi?"_ she had asked.

"Oh, nothing. Just continue to rest. We don't want any problems to cause a relapse so close to your release date. I know you're getting restless"-Sakura nodded in agreement and Shizune smiled-"now, get some rest."

She went to sleep soon afterwards, but after that, whenever she asked about Kakashi, Tsunade and Shizune would just blink at her. For a second, she'd swore that she saw worry in their eyes, but she'd dismiss it as a trick of the light and they'd shake their heads and say he was fine.

Somehow, she managed to beg Tsunade enough to get a little information out of her. He wasn't in the hospital. He'd left a while ago and was getting treatment at home. This didn't surprise her, seeing how the man avoided hospitals and nurses like the plague, but a voice in her head nagged at her. Something seemed off. She didn't know why, but something about her shishou's behavior and the way Naruto and Sasuke would smile at her when she asked about him made her feel uneasy.

As she looked up at the sky, she started to wonder about his condition. Just how was he doing? Was he doing better or worse than she was? Maybe it was the same? Was he all right?

Catching herself in mid-rant, she chuckled at her behavior. Then again, she couldn't help it. She had spent the past four years making house calls for a man who would rather bleed all over his carpet than visit a doctor. That, and the fact that she worried about all her boys and the fact he fell into the category of 'her boys.'

"Sakura-chan!"

Sakura turned back, startled to see a blonde male wave at her from atop the hospital stairs. A man walked up from behind him and cuffed him over the head and Naruto scowled. "What the hell'd you do that for, teme?"

The raven-haired male simply ignored the remark and shouldered the duffel bag that held her stuff. "Ready to go?" he asked. Sakura nodded and Sasuke gave her his arm to hold as they walked as obscenities were spewed in the background, only to give way to a second of silence before a familiar 'Hey, wait up!' was heard. The two continued on their way and the obscenities continued once more, the sound of footsteps mixing with the chirping of birds and the laughter of children.

* * *

Sasuke shifted his shoulder as he tried to stop the sliding of the duffel bag with his arm. "Do you want me to carry it, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked.

"Hn." he replied and picking up the pace slightly as a way to say 'end of discussion.'

As he walked with her, Naruto strolling a little ways back on his right, he had to wonder about her. What was going through her brain? Was she doing all right? He glanced at her from the side.

"Something wrong, Sasuke-kun?" she asked.

"Hn." he replied, mentally berating himself. Not only was he worrying like a mother hen, he had gotten caught. As he felt himself flush slightly at the thought, he turned to look at his female best friend. Scanning her face for any telltale signs of distress on her face, he sighed in relief that she had none, but soon wanted to slap himself. Just because she didn't look troubled, didn't mean she wasn't. He could say that from experience.

As he felt the familiar darkness he had kept at bay for the past few years creeping back on him, he tried to keep them away with other thoughts. He looked at Sakura and wondered how she felt about the experience. When he had exposed the sharingan to her at the hospital, she'd lashed out like a frightened animal, but with the therapy she'd gotten at the hospital, did it make a difference?

Sasuke stole a glance at his pink-haired companion and wondered what it would be like after an experience like that. He closed his eyes. Just what was it like to be in that sort of situation?

He let his mind wander, using the still fresh memories of what he saw that day and put himself in her shoes. Images sailed through his mind, assaulting every one of his senses. His nerves tingled and the scent of fresh blood reached his nose, but the smell was mixed with two others. It took a second, but he realized what they were: the lingering smell of heated sex and the smell of jasmine. A cold hand gripped his heart.

Sasuke snapped his eyes open, but the world was colored in black and white. Above him, a red moon shone in the blood-red sky. His eyes darted around as his family fell at his feet. It felt like he was watching a broken reel of film. These memories seemed to skip and repeat over and over and he soon found himself in the room his mother and father were murdered in. The blade fell and one by one, they followed suit. He looked up, expecting to see a thirteen-year-old version of his older brother, but he wasn't thirteen, but twenty-three.

Sasuke stared at the image of his brother and saw his brother smirk as he raised his sword in line with Sasuke's heart. Sasuke realized his intent and tried to dash away, but his feet seemed to be rooted to the spot. He looked down and saw the skeletal hand of his mother grasping onto his leg.

She had not fared any better. An eye was missing from her right eye socket and the other one hung on only by her optical nerves. Half the skin and muscles on her face was gone; the other half remaining on her right side. Her clothes were the same ones she died in. Patches of the cloth were gone, exposing the skeletal structure that remained. A smile pulled at what was left of her lips as she gripped her son's ankle tighter. "Sasuke-kun." she sang.

Sasuke felt cold fear grip his throat and looked up to see Itachi close his eyes. When he reopened them, the familiar three tomoe stared him in the face. Itachi widened his eyes and Sasuke saw the eyes of the Mangekyou Sharingan fly towards him, Itachi not close behind. As the illusion hit his face and the eyes disappeared into wisps of smoke, he looked at the bloodlust in his brother's eyes.

"_Die."_

As he bit back a groan at the sensation of the cold steel burrowing into his flesh, nerves exploding in pain as blood vessels were cut and muscles were sliced open, he felt something jar his shoulder.

"Sasuke-kun? Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke shook his head, his obsidian orbs blinking open to stare into beryl eyes. "Are you alright?" she asked.

Sasuke shook his head to clear the muddled haze around his head and gave her an 'Aa.' The answer seemed to calm her a bit and she spared him a worried glance before starting the walk to her apartment once more.

Sasuke stared at Sakura's back as he touched his fingers to the cold sweat on his forehead. A shuddering exhale left his lips and he stood there for a while to calm his nerves. He hadn't seen those memories for a while now. He forced his leg to move forward, then the other as he worked himself back into a steady pace of walking, just a few feet behind the two. Satisfied that she was under a safe watch, he turned to his own problems.

His hand was shaking badly and Sasuke could still feel the darkness cloying at him from the inside. Was this how Sakura really felt? How could she even smile like she was doing to Naruto just now? Sasuke looked closer and saw tiredness just under the surface. That smile was a lie. Just something to stop Naruto and him from worrying. Three tomoe emerged from the back of his mind and he quelled a shiver before looking at her. It was all just a front. She was really shaken by the experience.

Now that he looked, her steps weren't as confident as he remembered and she was subtly shying away from Naruto. In fact, she was shying away from every male in the road. Her body was tense and when she looked back, he caught the slight flickers of fear that crossed her face. The experience had scarred her.

The sight was enough to furrow Sasuke's brows and set a scowl in his face. The dark feeling cloyed at him from the inside and he pushed it away and wondered if she was feeling the same thing right now. As he thought about the feeling, he realized that he had felt it before. This was the same feeling he had been left with after Itachi had slaughtered their family and made him relieve the experience, but why did it feel the same?

A bitter smile painted his lips. Maybe because rape and murder were born from the same tree. They were both human actions and always left someone missing a piece of themselves. His heart reached out to Sakura. What had started out as just helping a good friend became a personal mission. The urge to get her better, to help her get past this was stronger now.

Maybe he wanted to help her in the way he never had after the massacre. Maybe he didn't want to see a reflection of himself. Maybe he selfishly just wanted to see her happy, but what was wrong with being selfish if it helped her smile again?

* * *

"No, Naruto. I'll be fine."

"_Are you sure?"_ he said over the phone.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"_You sure?"_

"Yes. Can I hang up now, Naruto? I'm really tired."

"_Oh, yeah. Bye Sakura-chan!" _

She chuckled. "Bye Naruto."

Sakura set down the phone on the receiver and slumped down against the wall. She sighed tiredly. Acting like she was fine took a lot out of her, but it had worked and for that, she was glad. _'A quick shower and then bed.'_

She walked down the hall of her apartment and turned to enter her bathroom. Cranking on the water, she hopped out of her clothes before entering her shower.

Hot water fell over her skin and soothed her tired muscles. Letting out a sigh as she felt the tension melt away, she reached for her shampoo and lathered it in her hair before letting it rinse away. Grabbing the bar of soap she kept there, she started to lather her body.

She smoothed the soap over her skin. She started with her left arm, slowly working up a lather as she moved up her forearm. Beads of water fell down the plane of her flat stomach and she let her head fall back into the spray of water and continued to move up her left arm.

Fingers danced up her sides, inching ever closer to her belly button and Sakura's eyes snapped open and looked around her shower. Soap, shampoo, face towel. _'It's just your imagination, Sakura. Nothing to worry about.'_ she told herself as she began to soap up her right arm. Slowly, she began to relax and tipped her head back into the water as she lathered up her chest. Feeling the water wash away the white suds, she tipped her head forward, away from the spray of the hot water and started to bend over for her legs when she felt fingers smoothed over her upper arms as a hot breath tickled her ear. _"Sakura…"_

Sakura turned her head back in alarm to see nothing there. She looked at her arms to see them bare and looked around her shower warily before shaking her head. _'Get a hold of yourself, Sakura. There's nothing here.'_

She leaned forward to wash her legs when she heard the voice again. _"Sakura…"_ Feeling the fine hairs at the back of her neck stand, she hastened her shower and quickly shut off her water and grabbed her towel from the hook. She reached for her clothes, groping for the fabric when she looked down to find none. She felt her adrenaline rush in her system when she remembered she had forgotten to bring clothes with her and went to her room, her feet padding on the wooden floorboards.

Sakura's bedroom was nothing special. From what she thought, it was the same as every other bedroom she'd seen in her life. Against the right wall was her bed, light blue sheets and white covers, a small desk piled high with medical books on the opposite wall. Next to her desk was a bookshelf, more medical books along with some scrolls spilling from the cramped storage. To the right of the bed was her closet and next to that was a dresser.

Grabbing a bra, some panties, a large white T-shirt, and a pair of light blue shorts, she got dressed and walked over to her window. Leaning against the frame, she stared up at the moon in the sky. It was full, she noted. It seemed unusually close for this time of year. It was almost like she could reach out and touch it.

Her hand reached out, stretching out of her open window and into the night air to trace the glowing edges of the moon. She sighed and heard the night song of the crickets as a breeze blew into her home, causing the white curtains to billow. Her eyelids became heavy as she was lulled by the night's lullaby when she heard it.

"No!"

Her lids snapped open, a kunai gripped in her hand as a she looked down past her balcony to the sidewalk below. A girl probably only a few younger than her laughed and spun in the streets from a male only slightly older. "No, Takeshi."

"Come on, Chinatsu. One kiss. Please?"

"Alright. You're so naughty." the girl smiled.

Sakura slowly relaxed her tense muscles, leisurely spinning the kunai on her finger. She sighed and raked a hand through her long hair tiredly. She looked out at the couple and smiled wistfully. _'To be young and in love.'_ she thought, smirking to herself, but her eyes trailed to the male and froze as he held up her hands to stop his girlfriend from slapping him. An image wrapped itself around her.

Her teammate smirked and held her arms above her head and uneasiness flicked past her eyes. "Kakashi?" she asked unsuredly. He answered by forcing her legs apart and smashed his lips against hers, his weight pinning her down.

She felt the food Naruto had treated her to earlier rise from her stomach into her throat. She had just only stopped it from spilling onto the white carpet of her room. Clenching and unclenching her left hand, she tried to tell herself that what she saw wasn't Kakashi's fault. _'It wasn't him that did it. It was Isao. He was the one who raped me. He just used Kakashi's body to do it. He transferred his spirit into Kakashi's body and made him do the dirty work.'_ she argued to herself, but her mind refused to accept it. I mean, just because she knew it wasn't him that did it, didn't mean she didn't see his body do it, and seeing is believing.

Sighing tiredly to herself, murmuring about a lack of sleep, she dropped her kunai onto her desk and crawled into bed. _'Maybe it'll be better tomorrow.'_

* * *

"_Sakura!"_

Sakura's brows furrowed. Someone was calling her.

"_Sakura!"_

_Someone very far away._

"_Sakura! Help!"_

_Eyes snapped open to look at her surroundings. It was dark and the faint outlines of treetops met her view as the night sky hung overhead. Just where was she? _

'_Strange..' she thought when she heard the voice call her again. "Sakura!" The voice seemed farther away now._

_Sakura looked around wildly in the forest that surrounded her. "Who are you? Where are you?" she shouted, her voice causing a flock of ravens to fly into the sky._

"_Sakura! Help!"_

_Sakura turned around. The voice was closer now, but she couldn't tell where it was coming from. "Hello?"_

"_Sakura, help me!" the person shouted and suddenly, her legs were carrying her farther and farther into the forest. "Hello?" she shouted._

"_Help me, Sakura!" the person screamed, followed out by a gurgled cry of pain. Sakura stopped and looked around. "Where are you?"_

_Silence._

_Sakura cursed. Where was that person? Hell, where was she? _

"_Sakura!"_

_She was closer to the voice now. She ran through the forest, dead leaves and twigs snapping underfoot as she ran through the forest._

"_Sakura! Don't!"_

_She stopped abruptly. The person had just told her to stop. Why was he telling her this? And why did he sound so familiar? She stood there, debating what to do when she heard a cry of pain and she bolted out of the dark woods._

_Light fields. She was standing in a field of light colored grass. She looked behind her. The forest that was a plethora of dark greens and browns contrasted with the light greys and whites of the field in front of her. Winds rolled over the grassy hilltops and she rubbed her arms for warmth. When did it get so cold? _

_As she tried to keep herself warm, she stared down at the grass that hid her feet from view. Contrasting starkly in the light greys of the grass blowing at her feet was her own skin tone. She looked at her hands, flipping them over and over. It was…different. Her skin tone was still the same. Her skin was still a pale peach color and she smiled to herself at the comfort in that thought, but when did she put on this white dress? Suddenly, she felt the wind blow, but it came from the forest. _

_She looked behind her, back into the dark forest as her hair whipped around her face. Her hair, she noted, was still sakura pink._

_The wind blew stronger and her dress tugged against her body. "Sakura…" A faint whisper seemed to carry on the wind, but the voice was sinister, evil. When she heard it, it felt like she became covered in a thick black. She rubbed her arms. _

"_Sakura…" _

_She shivered and looked forward as the wind died down. She didn't know why, but she felt compelled to go into the hills, but doubt hung thick around her and she glanced back into the forest. An eerie echo sounded in the darkness and she gulped. Turning, she looked up at the red sky before stepping forward. There was no turning back._

* * *

_Grass crunched under her bare feet and she winced as she stepped on another rock. She could feel the sticky sensation of blood on the ball of her foot. How long had she been walking? She didn't know, she didn't care. She wanted to reach down and remove the small pebbles in her feet, but she couldn't stop herself from walking. It felt like if she did, something bad would happen to her. It felt like something was out there. It felt like something was watching her. _

_Movement appeared at the corner of her eye and she turned around, a startled gasp escaping her lips as a shadow flashed in the grass before disappearing. Something had been watching her._

_She bit her lip. What the hell was she doing? Reason screamed at her to stop, to hide and think of a plan, but her feet wouldn't listen. They kept walking like something was pulling them, leading them to something, but what? She walked to the top of the hill and looked around her. It was an endless stretch of grassy hills. She could make out a few trees, but it was mostly grass. An endless field of grass, but there was a shadow on the horizon. The wind blew and she saw something flutter, the faint sound of fabric flapping in the breeze and was that…a heartbeat?_

_She ran forward. 'This is the person. This is the person that was calling me earlier.' _

_She scrambled to the top of the hill. Perched at the hilltop was a crucifix. She reached out and brushed her fingers on its surface. The wood was old, worn away; splinters pricked at the pads of her fingers. Just how long had this been here?_

_Her fingers brushed against fabric and she rubbed it between her finger and her thumb. It felt soft, like a well-worn shirt, but the fabric wasn't tattered. It was still relatively new, meaning whoever they belonged to was only here a few days ago, a few weeks, tops. _

_She walked around the wooden structure, a raven crowed on the horizontal beam, its dark eye blinking down at her as she held her arm up to help her eyes adjust to the light. She could see things better now. The cloth was a dark blue. Navy. Bandages were wrapped around their clothing and she could see small pouches. She moved her eyes further up and she could see a green vest. The person wore blue sandals like her in her genin days and their skin seemed weathered, but still soft. She touched a toe and felt the lingering sensation of warmth. They were still alive._

_A groan was heard and she looked up. Their face was obscured by something. Two things actually. She couldn't see the lower part of their face and something was covering their left eye and in the light of the moon, silver hair shined. _

'_Silver?' _

_Her brain sped into overdrive as things clicked and began to fit together. The obscured lower portion of the face, the covered left eye, the silver hair. "Kakashi-sensei!"_

_Kakashi blinked. "Sakura?"_

"_Kakashi-sensei! It's me. Don't worry, I'll have you out of here in a sec." she said hurriedly as she untied the rope tying his legs to the vertical beam._

"_Sakura, don't." he told her, but she pressed on and untied the ropes binding his hips and his torso to the beams. "Don't worry, sensei, I'll have you down quickly."_

"_Sakura, no." The rope holding his left arm to the beam was cut with a kunai from his pouch and she began on the one on his right. "Sakura. Stop." She looked up, startled by his serious tone. "You can't do this."_

_Her hands rested on his wrist, the frayed ends of rope tickling her hands. "Why not?"_

"_Sakura. You have to get out of here. You're in danger."_

"_I'm not leaving without you." she snapped as she began to cut the rope with renewed fervor when she felt her jaw turned and she stared into his eye. "Sakura. Don't."_

_She heard the small pleading note in his voice and she stopped, the last bit of rope holding him to the beam. "Why not, Kakashi?"_

"_Sakura, listen to me. You have to go now. Something's going to happen soon. Something bad. I need you to run. I need you to leave me here and run as far away as you can from me."_

"_Why?"_

"_Sakura. Just listen to me. I need you to do as I say."_

"_No."_

"_No?"_

"_No! I'm not leaving without you, Kakashi!" The last piece of rope was shorn and she felt herself knocked to the ground as he fell to the ground. Dark clouds suddenly formed in the sky and winds whipped as the grass began to recede, leaving barren earth in its wake. Lightening shot from the sky and struck the dry earth near their feet. _

_Kakashi looked up at her desperately. "Run, Sakura!"_

"_**Too late.**"_

"_NO! Sakura, run before-gack" A choking sound was heard as his body began to contort and arch painfully. He reached up and pulled his mask down as blood splattered into the dirt, the dry earth drinking the red life like water, more following as coughs racked his chest. _

_Sakura scrambled forward. "Kakashi!" she screamed, but a bolt of electricity shot the ground and threw her body like a rag doll into the dirt. _

_Sakura skid to a halt, coughing at the dust that flew into her lungs. "Kakashi?" she coughed. When she heard no response, she asked again. "Kakashi?" _

_There, in the dirt, Kakashi lay face down, his breathing shallow as a thin trickle of blood ran from the corner of his mouth. "Kakashi!"_

_She crawled forward, rocks scraping her skin and digging into her flesh as she scrambled towards him. She shook his shoulder. "Kakashi?" she asked tentatively. _

_He turned his head weakly towards her, his breathing labored at the sheer pain that lanced through his system. He looked into her eyes and he could see the fear and concern mirrored in his own. "R-run."_

_Lightening shot from the heavens, spearing Kakashi's system and causing him to scream in agony as his body spasmed uncontrollably and Sakura flew from his body, the sounds of his screams echoing in her ears. _

_Pain shot through her as her body was thrown against a boulder. She panted, her head throbbing as she tasted a metallic tang in her mouth. She lifted her head weakly and felt her heart drop. A few feet from her, Kakashi lay face down in the dirt, his hitai-ate not too far away, a gash in the metal. _

_Sakura stared unbelievingly at him. He couldn't be dead. He couldn't be. Kakashi was an ex-Anbu operative. He'd gone on more A and S-ranked missions than she headed surgeries. He couldn't be dead. _

"_Kakashi?"_

_A faint rustle could be heard and she felt tears sting her eyes. "Kakashi?" The man groaned and braced his weight on his forearms as he lifted himself up and she felt relief wash over her. "Kakashi! You're alright!"_

_He smiled at her. "Of course, Sakura-chan." The smile died on her lips. There was something off about him. The way he said her name made her skin crawl. She felt dirty and his smile was strange too. It was…predatory. _

"_Kakashi?" she asked tentatively._

_He smiled wider and crawled towards her, closing the gap between them. She crawled back, the rock pressing against her spine stopping her. He moved his hands, pinning hers to the rock and leaned down, his breathing hot and ragged in her ear. "Something wrong, Sakura-chan?"_

_The words were mocking and bells rang in her ears. Voices screamed in her ears to move away, to fight him, anything, but she couldn't move and he smiled at her once more before claiming her lips and squeezing her breast roughly. _

_Sakura gasped in shock and he forced his tongue into her mouth before gripping her dirt-stained dress and tearing it off her as she screamed at herself. Why wasn't she doing anything? _

_Tears stung her eyes and she looked away as he bit her neck, marks marring her pale skin. She felt her panties torn from her body and whimpered as he thrust three fingers into her core. _

_She turned away as he licked her body, praising what she now felt repulsed by. Warmth pooled in her body and she bit her lip to fight against a strangled moan as he hit brushed against a spot in her womb. She felt disgusted. Her body had betrayed her._

_She felt something on her neck, a fleeting touch and looked up as he pulled away. He smiled warmly at her. "Scared?" he asked, concern in his voice. Her heart fluttered at the possibility that this madness would stop and she nodded shyly. He smirked, all trace of empathy gone from his face as he looked down at her. _

"_You should be."_

_And with that, he thrust into her and her juices splattered his stomach as her back arched, but he didn't stop. His thrusts were quick, harsh, not even slowing down to let Sakura recover, but it didn't stop the familiar coil from appearing in her stomach. As she stared up at the moon, contrasting sharply in a sky reminiscent of blood, she had to wonder what she had done to deserve this._

_When he finally did stop, she was dazed and confused. The only things she was sure of were the sky overhead and that he had pulled out of her and his seed covered her stomach. She felt tired, drained of all energy. Should she even try to move? Shadows danced across her face and she heard him pull away from her. She heard the faint scratching of something. It sounded metallic. It sounded familiar, but where had she heard it before? _

_Sakura looked up as something reflected the light of the moon and that's when she realized there was a kunai in his hands. "No, no, no! Please, Kakashi, don't." she pleaded._

_He didn't reply, merely twirled it in his hand_

"_Please, Kakashi, don't!" she begged._

_The kunai twirled faster and a smiled tugged at his lips._

"_Kakashi!"_

"_Goodbye, Sakura-chan." he sang cheerfully. His hands grasped the kunai handle and he held it over his head. Sakura raised her arms defensively to her face and curled up in a ball as he thrust the kunai down._

_Cold metal buried itself in her warm flesh. There had been no remorse, no fond goodbye. Just a sinister smile and a crazed bloodlust in his eyes and then…darkness._

* * *

_"No!"_

Sakura bolted up in her bed, sweat drenching her skin as moonlight filtered in from her window, the curtains blowing gently in the breeze.

"It's just a dream, Sakura. Just a dream." she told herself as she buried a hand in her pink hair, but she closed her eyes and she saw _him_.

Tears stung her eyes as memories flooded her mind. "Why? Why did these things happen to me?" she asked aloud as she pulled her knees to her chest. The wind blew gently into her room and she felt frustration well up inside and she threw her pillow against the opposite wall. "Answer me!" But her room could offer her none and she began to sob into her arms. Not because she had no answer, but because she knew that she had been raped and the nightmares were only just beginning.


	8. How To Save A Life

_Step one you say we need to talk  
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through_

* * *

Sakura stepped out of the way as two men hauled a support beam down the busy main street of Konoha. A child ran around her legs, hiding from his friends behind her pink floral-print white skirt as women chatted amongst each other in the stalls and shops lining the streets.

Sakura smiled back uneasily at the child who smiled and yelled thanks as he continued his game of tag with his friends before looking around warily. _'It's nothing, Sakura. You're being paranoid. Nobody's looking at you.'_ But she couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching her. It felt a lot like the dream she had last night. When she looked around, she felt millions of eyes on her. It was like the women in the streets were watching her with a magnifying glass.

She walked further into the street. She could see some familiar faces. Raidou offered her a nod and she flinched before nodding back. He didn't say anything; he only smiled and walked on. Further down the street, in an o-dango shop was Anko. She was talking with someone against the wall.

Anko glanced away from her conversation and spotted Sakura. She smiled sadly at her, but Sakura couldn't tell if it was empathy or pity in her eyes. Considering the circumstances, both would be appropriate, but neither was appreciated. Nodding at the purple-haired woman, she turned and began walking again. She had to get away. Away from the eyes that watched her and the suffocating air around her.

Sakura walked briskly, constantly flicking her gaze over her shoulder to try and spot those eyes that seemed to burn holes between her shoulders. Unfortunately for her, she wasn't paying any attention to what was in front of her.

"Oof!"

The wind was knocked out of her chest and she stumbled on her unsteady feet. A person gripped her wrist and she felt her feet touch the ground as she regained her balance. "Thank you. I wasn't paying attention and-"

The words died on her lips as she looked up. A droopy-eyed gaze looked down on her and she felt her throat constrict her airway as snippets of her dream lashed out at her mind.

_He turned his head weakly towards her, his breathing labored at the sheer pain that lanced through his system. He looked into her eyes and he could see the fear and concern mirrored in his own. "R-run."_

_Lightening shot from the heavens, spearing Kakashi's system and causing him to scream in agony as his body spasmed uncontrollably and Sakura flew from his body, the sounds of his screams echoing in her ears. _

"K-k-"

_He smiled wider and crawled towards her, closing the gap between them. She crawled back, the rock pressing against her spine stopping her. He moved his hands, pinning hers to the rock and leaned down, his breathing hot and ragged in her ear. "Something wrong, Sakura-chan?"_

"K-k-ka-k-ka-"

"_Goodbye, Sakura-chan." he sang cheerfully. His hands grasped the kunai handle and he held it over his head. Sakura raised her arms defensively to her face and curled up in a ball as he thrust the kunai down._

Cold metal buried itself in her warm flesh. There had been no remorse, no fond goodbye. Just a sinister smile and a crazed bloodlust in his eyes and then…darkness.

Her pupils were dilated and her eyes darted around wildly. People were staring. They were looking at her and she could feel those eyes on her again. Looking up at him, she snatched her wrist away as if scalded and she held it to her chest. Nursing her wrist, she looked up to see him still calmly gazing on her and she felt a cold hand grip her heart. Shifting her body, she ran down the street.

Not once did she look back at him.

Kakashi stood in the middle of the street. His clothes hung loosely on his gaunt body and his hair was more disheveled than usual. Dark circles and deep lines made their home under his eyes. In the back of his mind, he could feel her lingering warmth on the hand that was slowly lowered and placed inside his pants pocket as a dull roar started around him.

"That's him, right?"

"Yeah. He raped his teammate on a mission."

"I heard it was his former student."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"I can't believe he'd do that."

"He shouldn't even be on the street."

"Someone should tell the Hokage."

More women joined the conversation as he stood in the middle of the streets, his head bowed as he listened to every rumor aimed at him. _'That's right. It's all my fault. I did it. It's my fault. They're right.'_ he thought. He wished they would say more. He deserved it. He'd done so many horrible things, but not as bad as this. He wished he could turn back time, made sure none of this ever happened. God, he felt so wrong. Why couldn't he die? Why wouldn't someone just kill him? Why did Tsunade let him go? Even if it wasn't his fault, he still did it.

"Maybe he's done this before. Maybe this is just the first time he got caught."

He stared down at the dirt, unmoving, not flinching at the words. He deserved every cut and stab they gave him. He deserved it all.

The men started to join in, but Kakashi heard none of his colleagues join in. He knew Tsunade told every rank about the mission. The genin didn't understand, to them, this was another trivial aspect to the foreign, but enticing world of the upper ranks, but the others did. The jounin and Chuunin all knew that they might have to give up their body for their village, but what he did had nothing to do with that, but…they seemed to understand what had happened.

He wished they didn't.

He wanted them to join the civilians as they dragged his reputation through the mud. He wanted to hear them make their own remarks, slash at him like they were doing just so he knew that he was truly despised. That he truly deserved to rot in hell.

As he began to move, he could feel their disgusted glares burn holes in his back, and he smiled beside himself, but this wasn't enough. He needed more. He needed more people to say he was the worst man. That he was lower than dirt. That he deserved to burn in hell in the worst ways, just so he wasn't wrong in his thinking that he truly deserved such things.

* * *

Sasuke strolled leisurely towards his old training grounds. He didn't know why he was walking down to his old grounds, after all, he had gone training earlier that morning, but something compelled him to do this.

As he walked over the old bridge where Team 7 used to meet, he saw a memory play out before him. He was leaning against the railing of the bridge, his holier-than-thou air around him as Naruto ranted endlessly about how Kakashi was late just to have Sakura cuff him over the head and go back to staring at him. He chuckled and saw her smile at him once more.

'_Sakura…'_

Maybe that was it. Maybe he wanted to clear his head. Sakura had only left the hospital yesterday and he couldn't stop the worry that clenched his heart. He was tired. Those images he had yesterday afternoon had also plagued him in his dreams. He had only managed to get two hours of real sleep last night. The other hours produced restless dreams where all he saw was his family's massacre and Sakura's body after her rape. He quelled a shudder. When he woke up in the morning, it wasn't a surprise that he threw up soon afterwards, a cold sweat on his face.

A faint sound pulled him from his thoughts and Sasuke looked up to look around him. He was already at the training grounds. Trees surrounded him on three sides. In the middle, not far from where he stood were the three posts from his days as a genin and the memorial stone. He narrowed his gaze and piqued his ears for the small sound. Someone was crying.

He turned in its direction, spotting a large cherry blossom tree, its flower petals raining from the sky. Sasuke shook his head; the lack of sleep was probably getting to him, when he noticed something. _'White?'_

Sasuke walked closer to the tree, a kunai in hand as he approached the white object. As he got closer, he noticed the sound was getting louder. _'So it wasn't my imagination,' _he thought as he came upon the origin of the sound. His mouth gaped and the kunai fell from his hand. "Sakura?"

The pink-haired woman looked up, tears running down her cheeks. "Sasuke?" He nodded dumbly and fell back as she lunged at him, sobbing heavily into his shirt. "Sakura, what happened?" he asked worriedly.

Sakura looked up, her eyes red and puffy and her breathing hitched with every word she spoke. "It-it…I…I saw…saw…"

"Saw who, Sakura? Who'd you see?"

"I saw him, Sasuke. I ran into him today and I saw my dream from last night. I saw my dream again and everything was so different and he got hurt and he raped me again and he killed me and-and-Sasuke!" She sobbed into his shirt, her hands gripping feebly at his shoulders and he held her close, careful not to spook her. Had she even noticed that she was holding him? That she was allowing him to touch her? Him; a man?

His hands rubbed calming circles in her back and smoothed her hair, he wouldn't deny her the comfort she sought so desperately. He shushed her. "It's okay, Sakura. It's okay."

"I was so scared, Sasuke. I was so scared." she whispered and he held her closer as he shushed her. As he felt her relax against him, her breathing shaky, but calmer than before, he felt his illusions crack once more. Sasuke didn't know what to do as he held her and the broken fragments of his dreams, but he knew one thing for sure.

They could never go back to the way things were before and as Sakura's broken figure sobbed in his arms, he found himself joining her.

* * *

A fevered knock was heard at his door and Naruto scowled. "Coming! Coming! Keep your pants on!"

Walking over to the door, he yawned. "Hello?"

"Naruto."

Naruto's eyes widened. "Sasuke? What are you doing here? You look like a mess," he said, taking in Sasuke's haggard appearance. His clothes were stained with something and he looked tired.

"Never mind that, dobe." Sasuke snapped. "Can we talk alone?"

Naruto nodded. "You're lucky Hinata has something to take care of at the Hyuuga compound," he said leading Sasuke to the kitchen. "What do you want to talk about?"

Sasuke laced his fingers together and placed them atop the kitchen table. "I saw Sakura today."

Naruto glanced up as he placed two cups on the table and set down a pot of tea. He poured it into the two cups and slid one over to his friend. "Really? Is she okay?"

"No." Sasuke snapped.

Naruto glared. "No need to get testy."

"You don't get it. She's a mess!" he said dragging his head through his hands.

"Come on, it can't be that bad." Naruto said.

"Not bad? Dobe, I found her scared shitless after she bumped into Kakashi. She had a dream last night where he raped her and _killed_ her."

Naruto's face became pale and his hand shook slightly. "But…the therapy…Baa-chan said she'd be-"

"You idiot. If therapy worked, do you think I would be the screwed-up shithead I was after my entire family died? Even after I killed Itachi, I still have nightmares. I can still see my mother dying in front of me."

Naruto looked at him with confusion. "But, you looked fine after the-"

Sasuke scoffed and smirked to himself. "Looking fine and being fine are two different things, dobe. You should know that by now."

Naruto frowned deeply to himself. He really should know better. He stared into his tea before tentatively asking, "So…what should we do?"

Sasuke sighed tiredly, spinning the teacup in his hand. He needed to keep his hands busy. He needed to calm his nerves.

"I don't know, dobe. I really don't know anything anymore." he admitted. It was the truth. Things had changed so drastically in a short time, he was afraid to get comfortable with a single idea lest it change too.

Naruto frowned, his brows furrowed in deep thought. "What if we-Nah."

Sasuke looked up. "What?"

Naruto shook his head. "Nothing. Forget I said anything."

"No, tell me."

"I'm serious. Just forget it, Sasuke."

"Tell me."

Naruto looked up at his friend exasperatedly. "No. Sasuke. I'm serious. Forget it."

"Naruto…" he growled, his sharingan spinning lazily.

Naruto sighed and put up his hands in defeat. The last thing he needed was to have to explain to his wife why half the house was broken and why the other half was scorched. "I was thinking…maybe we could get them together and…"

"WHAT?"

Naruto looked up at the man standing in his kitchen looking ready to kill him. This was why he didn't want to say anything before, but now…

"Just hear me out, teme. What if we brought the two of them for a meeting? It'd be a public place and the two of us would be there to keep watch if stuff goes wrong. We could get Sakura to get used to being around Kakashi and other people again and get her back to normal." He looked up from his drink, the teacup sat in his hands. "What do you think?"

"…"

Naruto frowned and shook his head, waving his hand dismissively. "Forget it. It was-"

"…genius."

"See, I told you it was…wait. Genius?" He whipped his head up as his friend sat down. Naruto dug his finger into his ear. "I'm sorry, I thought you said 'genius.'"

"I did," Sasuke said with a cocky smirk.

Naruto blinked. "What? No 'that's a stupid idea,' 'what the hell are you thinking?' No snide remark? Just 'genius?'" Sasuke smirked and nodded. Naruto looked at him suspiciously.

"Why?"

Sasuke reclined in his chair. He could afford to relax a little now. "It might just work."

"Huh?"

Sasuke sighed. Just when he thought Naruto was getting even smarter. "Look. We're probably the only guys Sakura trusts right now. She trusts us with her life. She knows we'd do anything we could to protect her. If we go with her when she meets Kakashi, she'll feel a little bit more comfortable with us there because she knows if Kakashi tried anything, we'd kill him. Get it?"

Naruto nodded slowly. "Right…"

Sasuke sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "The only question is where?"

Naruto pondered for a minute before giving his suggestion. "How about Ichiraku?"

"Dobe, this is not one of those times where you should think with your freaking obsession with ramen."

"First of all, I'm not obsessed and second, it works. It's a familiar place. Sakura would feel comfortable in a familiar place and she knows all the exits in case something does happen."

Sasuke nodded and looked up to see Naruto looking into his tea, a troubled expression on his face. "What, dobe?"

"Do-Do you really think Kakashi-sensei would really try something on Sakura?" he asked.

Sasuke scowled and fidgeted with his tea. "I told you before, Naruto. I'm not sure of anything anymore."

* * *

_'The sky's grey today. What day is it? Tuesday? Yeah, Tuesday.'_

Kakashi turned back to face the ceiling. _'Today's the day I go to Ichiraku with them.'_

It was about three days ago when Naruto and Sasuke went to his apartment asking him to go to Ichiraku with them. He declined, but they refused to give up.

_Flashback_

_Kakashi turned from the door, shutting it with his hand when Naruto held it open. Kakashi looked back and saw the troubled look fleet over his face. "Come on, sensei. We're just worried about you, you know?"_

_End flashback_

And so, he relented and they had set the date for Tuesday and now, it was Tuesday.

As he stared up at his ceiling, he had to wonder why they even bothered. He had never warranted this sort of care after a mission, but then again, not many missions turn out the way this one did.

He sat up in his bed, throwing his legs over the side and stretched his arms when he began to wonder something else. _'Why did I even agree to come?'_ He couldn't remember the last time he agreed to something like this, so what possible reason could there be? _'Maybe because Sasuke said he'd treat.'_ His attempt to lighten his thoughts failed miserably and he stared himself in the mirror. Kami, he looked like a wreck.

Though Sasuke footing the bill was rare and it was in his character to never turn down a free meal, he knew it wasn't that, so what was it?

'_Maybe I feel guilty?'_ he wondered. It seemed plausible. After all, he made them worry about him. He had escaped the hospital and was missing for four days, but the way they looked when they found him, they looked traumatized. He hadn't eaten in days, hadn't slept in days, and had a nasty infection in his arm. He didn't remember any of that happening though. Shizune had to tell him the day she came.

'_I owe it to them.'_

He stepped out of the shower and quickly went through his morning routine before stepping into his room. He got dressed quickly, his normal jounin uniform, and sat down at his desk. Looking out the window, he quickly went over his medication.

There were three small bottles. One was for his insomnia, but he didn't need to take it until 9:00 at night so he skipped over the bottle for the other two. _'Two blue pills for the infection and one white pill for the voice in my head.'_ he thought as he threw back his head and swallowed the pills. Reaching for the glass of water he kept on his desk nowadays, he gulped it down and placed the glass back on his desk before pulling his mask up and walking out of his apartment.

* * *

Sakura stirred her ramen as she bit her lip and flicked her gaze at Ayame who suddenly disappeared behind the curtain of the kitchen. Naruto glared as Sasuke rubbed her shoulder comfortingly, wincing at her initial flinch before calming down. At least she didn't slap his hand away. "Another nightmare?" he asked.

Sakura nodded wordlessly.

Naruto slurped up a noodle. "Wanna talk about it?"

She shook her head and stirred her ramen again. Naruto frowned and slurped up his ramen before looking out into the peculiarly empty streets.

"Looking for someone?" Sakura asked softly. Sasuke glared over her head and Naruto chuckled, hoping she didn't notice the nervous tone in his voice. "Huh? Oh, no, Sakura-chan." he smiled. _'Where is he?'_

Suddenly, a figure could be seen walking up the road, their footsteps echoing in the streets and the three peered out of Ichiraku to see who it is. Naruto grinned, Sasuke remained stoic as ever, and Sakura tensed. "Kakashi!" Naruto shouted, waving his arm in the air. Kakashi offered a half-hearted wave when he noticed pink hair and froze to his spot.

An eternity seemed to have passed as Kakashi and Sakura stared at each other and Sasuke looked between them. There were so many possibilities. He could run, she could run, they could verbally lash out at each other, Sakura could break down, there were just too many to think of. All he could do was hope this would work.

* * *

Kakashi stared down at the pink-haired girl staring back at him. What was she doing here? Did she know he was coming?

"Oi, sensei!"

Kakashi jumped slightly. He was already on edge with Sakura here, the last thing he needed was a loud noise to startle him. "Yes, Naruto?" he asked softly. He didn't really want to talk around Sakura. It made him feel uncomfortable, vulnerable.

"Are you going to stand around like Mr. Ukki all day or are you going to sit?" he asked pointing his chopsticks at the seat as he slurped up his noodles.

"Mr. Ukki is dead." he answered and sat down, not noticing Sakura's back straighten further. Sasuke furrowed his brows.

"Oh. Did you water him at all?"

"I did, but when I told Genma to water him while I was gone, he forgot. He was dead when I came back." Kakashi said after giving his order. Naruto nodded.

"…you okay, Naruto?"

Naruto seemed to almost jump out of his seat. "W-why do you say that, s-sensei?"

"You seem tense." he answered quietly, glancing at him from the side and Naruto's back seemed to snap straight. _'That's why. This was all a plan.'_ A frown appeared under his mask. He rose slightly to go when Sasuke started to talk.

"So how's it been lately, Kakashi?"

Kakashi eyed him peculiarly as he sat back down and Sasuke inwardly sighed in relief. _'Good, he didn't leave.'_

"How do you think?" Kakashi said, nodding slightly in thanks as Ayame set down his order.

"I wouldn't really know. I haven't seen you in days." Sasuke said. Kakashi shrugged. "Okay." he answered noncommittally.

Sasuke simply nodded in reply and began eating his ramen. Sakura stirred hers.

Kakashi watched as Sasuke nudge her gently and she looked at him before he coaxed her into eating her food before pulling down his mask, trying to ignore the spluttering sounds coming from beside him.

"H-h-holy-! Sasuke! Are you seeing this?" Naruto yelled. Sasuke nodded dumbly, his chopsticks floating in his bowl.

"Is it really such a big deal?" he asked, a touch of annoyance in his voice. It was bad enough they conned him into coming here, did they have to make a spectacle of him too?

His words went unheard as Naruto tugged on Sakura's sleeve. "Sakura! Are you seeing this? Kakashi's face! It's-it's-"

"I saw it already, Naruto. On the mission." she said softly and Naruto froze. "Sakura-chan, I-I-I-I'm sorry. I-"

She shook her head. "You couldn't have known."

Naruto nodded sadly. Sasuke glanced at her from the corner of his eyes. Kakashi ate his ramen.

* * *

"Ahhh…" Naruto smacked his lips and sighed once more in satisfaction at his full stomach. "There's nothing like ramen for breakfast."

"Easy for you to say." Sasuke glowered as he pulled out his wallet. "Besides, you ate for so long, it's time for lunch now."

"Lunch already?" he asked brightly. "Hey Sasuke…"

"No." snapped Sasuke as he handed Ayame the money to cover his bill. _'This is the last time I treat Naruto for ramen.'_ he thought angrily.

Naruto pouted childishly, folding his arms over his chest. "Stupid teme." he muttered under his breath.

"I heard that."

Then they heard it. It was quiet and brief, but it was still there. A giggle.

Naruto and Sasuke turned in disbelief to the girl who was covering her mouth with her hand to muffle her giggles. They couldn't believe it. Sakura was…laughing.

"Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked tentatively. Sakura looked up, her back straight and the laughter nowhere in sight. "Yes?"

He shook his head. "Nothing." he smiled.

Sakura nodded dutifully and Kakashi cleared his throat. "I'm going to go home now." he said softly.

Sasuke nodded and Naruto waved at him. "Bye sensei." Kakashi offered him a small eye crease. "Bye Naruto. Bye Sasuke." He had trouble with the next one. "Bye…Sakura."

She nodded and bowed. "Goodbye…Kakashi." Kakashi nodded and walked down the street where he came as Sakura turned to her two stunned friends.

"Something…wrong?"

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged looks before shaking their heads. Sasuke smiled. "Nothing's wrong." he answered and she nodded before turning to look at both of them. "So what are we going to do today? Tsunade let me have the next two months off," she said.

Naruto grinned. "Well, I was…"

As they walked in the village, Sasuke had to smile at the progress they had made today. It wasn't much, but it was a start.


	9. Belief

_Belief makes things real  
Makes things feel, feel alright  
Belief makes things true  
things like you, you and I_

* * *

In the morning light of a garden, a bird flitted around the branches, hopping from one to another.

'_I wonder where it's going?'_ Sakura thought to herself as she sat in the hospital room. It reminded her of the one she had been put into before, except this room was on the first floor and her view had changed. Instead of the tops of houses and telephone wires, she saw trees and the wall surrounding the hospital. The tops of heads, she traded for faces. Outside her window, she saw a nurse wheel Miyamoto-san outside.

She liked Miyamoto-san. He was a sweet man, recently widowed by his wife of fifty years. He had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis; he'd lost the use of his legs a few weeks ago; his arms, two days ago. It was sad to think such a kind man would die the way he would, but he didn't seem to mind. When she was his nurse, he'd simply smile and say not to worry and that with the life he lived, he wouldn't mind dying.

The nurse moved him and she could see him in front of her, separated only by a pane of glass, a wall, and ten meters of grass. Like her, he was taking in the scenery. The small bamboo fountain in the corner that stood in a sea of smooth stones, the bamboo's repetitive 'thunk' echoing in the Zen garden. There were trees there too. In her window, she could see the Trident Maple's leaves to the far left, just coming into her view if she sat just so, but she had a clear view of two different trees. On the left against the wall was a row of Japanese Maples and to her right, in the middle of the grass, was the Acer Sieboldianum. She didn't know what else to call it by, she only knew the species name.

Sakura watched as the nurse moved Miyamoto-san to another part of the greenery and she sighed at the view she had. It was a really nice view, but she wasn't satisfied with just that. She wanted to see color. She had missed the changing of the leaves last year when she was on a mission to Suna and a finger traced the trees lovingly through the glass. She closed her eyes and imagined the hospital in the fall. She could almost feel the crisp fall air on her skin and see the leaves rain gently into the garden like confetti. A knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts.

"Sakura?"

Sakura turned her head back from her chair. "Tsunade-san," she greeted and Tsunade gave her a motherly smile before closing the door. She liked those smiles. Tsunade always looked better when she smiled.

"Is he here yet?" she asked.

"No, not yet," she said with a soft smile on her face as she turned her head to the window once more. She heard Tsunade chuckle. "He always had a tendency to be late," she mused.

"Yes," Sakura agreed. She watched Tsunade place her hand on her shoulder in the window and turned back to see Tsunade looking at her tentatively. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"I won't get closure if I don't. He won't either. We need to get past this," she answered and Tsunade bit her lip in worry. "But you're doing this alone. Are you sure you don't need me here?"

"We need to be alone; otherwise we won't say what we need to say. And besides…" A hand touched the reflection in the mirror. "I need to do this alone."

"But-"

"I'll be fine," Sakura reassured and Tsunade bit her lip a bit harder. She knew Sakura was capable of doing it. She had made such an improvement since she last saw her. Though she had not seen it for herself, Sasuke and Naruto kept her updated. She was laughing, she was smiling, she was giving the two of them hugs-she even started hitting Naruto again.

And she was starting to become braver. She was walking by herself to the store, she was starting to go out with Hinata for tea, she started training again, and she started to talk to her other male friends. She was taking baby steps, though. She couldn't stay too long without feeling uneasy, but she could brave a touch. She even said hi to Raidou yesterday.

She was such a strong girl. What took other people months and years, she was doing in days and weeks. She couldn't have been prouder.

The older woman smiled. "I know."

But it didn't stop the feeling of worry from churning in the pit of her stomach. She chastised herself. She should have more faith in her old apprentice. And with a small smile, Tsunade left the room and shut the door behind her.

Sakura waited until Tsunade shut the door before letting out a heavy sigh. She knew she had to do this, but with every passing second, she was becoming more and more unsure of her decision. Anxiety welled inside her and her thoughts were becoming traitorous. What if he doesn't show up? What if it happens again? Should I run? Would he notice? Would he care?

She shook her head. "I made a promise to myself that I would do this. I gave my word as a kunoichi." And she steeled herself. Placing her hands in her lap, she looked out the window and waited. She didn't have long to wait. He came only twenty minutes later.

* * *

When Kakashi woke up this morning, the sky was grey. It had been grey for a number of days. It was strange being that Fire Country was famous for its sunny weather, but he dismissed it and went to the shower.

He had made a routine for himself now. It was no different than before; it just included the addition of the pills he had to take. He was in the last round of antibiotics and his arm was doing much better from the searing pain from before. All that was left was a scar and the lingering pathogens that invaded his body, but he still had to take his other medication. Unscrewing the two bottles, he popped the three pills into his mouth and swallowed them followed by the glass of water and the lifting of his mask before he locked his door and left for the hospital.

The streets of Konoha were unusually calm. Maybe it was due to his presence or the unusual weather. Though he enjoyed the sunshine as much as the next person, he liked this weather also. It was a bit nippy, but it brought out things that people took for granted, the green of a leaf or the warmth of the sun, to name a few.

He looked around at the village around him. He knew this path well; he used it often in his escapes from the hospital. The yellow two-story townhouse with green trim belonged to an elderly widow that kept a potted plant in her window. In the second story that she rented out lived a single mother with a four-yr-old daughter and a cat. There was the o-dango shop at the corner and beside that was the residency of a former kohai that retired from Anbu.

He turned to the right. There was the bar Genma always dragged him to, the bookstore, and a few more houses, but they were older than the ones he had passed. Making a few more turns, he stood outside the entrance of his destination.

He took in the white walls and the green of the lawn that surrounded the white multi-story building. From where he stood, he could see the nurses and orderlies wheeling around the patients and how a row of Japanese maples peered over the wall. Taking a deep breath through the fabric of his mask, he stepped onto the lawn, ignoring how some of the nurses stopped to stare and how there seemed to be a strained silence around the hospital. A man was wheeled in front of him. "Hatake-san."

Kakashi blinked and looked at the man that sat in the wheelchair before him. Blankets covered his shoulder and his lap. He had snowy hair that was gradually thinning; the hands that rested in his blanketed lap were knotted and gnarled by arthritis. A pair of glasses was perched on his nose and from beneath the mountain of blankets, his slippered feet peeked out.

Ignoring the disapproving frown the man's nurse was giving her charge and the dirty look she was giving him, Kakashi bent down and smiled to the old man. Something compelled him to say hello.

"Ohayou-gozaimasu…I'm sorry, I don't believe I know your name."

"It's alright. I wouldn't expect someone as famous as you to know the name of a former grocer. My name is Miyamoto Yoshito," the man smile, his eyes closing and creases forming at the corners.

"Good morning, Miyamoto-san," Kakashi smiled.

"What brings you to the hospital? You look perfectly fine to me. Is it a check-up?"

"No," Kakashi chuckled, "just visiting someone."

Yoshito's face became worried. "Oh no, are they alright?"

"It's hard to say," Kakashi replied. He wasn't sure why he responded so readily, but he felt compelled to. _'He should be part of the interrogation squad,'_ he mused.

"Well, I hope your friend gets better. They should have Sakura-san see them. She used to be my nurse. She was such a sweet girl. I haven't seen her in a while. Sumiko?"

His nurse turned to face him, a sweet smile on her face. "Hm?"

"Where is Sakura-san? Is she still on her mission? I'd like to say hello," Yoshito said, not noticing the guilt that flitted over Kakashi's eyes.

"Let's go over there, Miyamoto-san," the nurse said abruptly and wheeled the man to another area of the garden, but not before shooting a dirty glare to the silver-haired man. If he was affected, he didn't show her, and walked into the hospital.

The stale air of the hospital hit Kakashi as soon as he walked inside. It contrasted starkly with the scent of the grass and flowers outside. Instead, the scent of antiseptic and bleach hung in the air and a hint of…

"Sake?" Kakashi turned his head to see Tsunade giving him a disapproving look as she leaned on a pillar in the entrance of the hospital. "You're late," she stated, face flushed slightly from the alcohol.

"Gomen," he said, bowing.

Tsunade cringed. When had he gotten so formal? She shook her head.

"Just don't do it next time. She's already waiting. Room 136."

And Kakashi nodded briefly before heading on his way.

* * *

1-3-6.

Never had such numbers struck fear into his heart like they did now.

As he stood in front of the room number 136, he felt sweat form on his brow. He hadn't wanted to come here. Naruto and Sasuke pressured him into it. 'It's for your own good.', 'Sakura-chan asked to see you', 'If not for us, for her.', they told him. Then Tsunade got into it. He could still remember the day he was called into her office.

_Flashback_

_Steam floated up from two cups of tea and Tsunade tapped her fingers on her wooden desk before folding her manicured hands in front of her on the desk. "Do you know why I have called you here, Hatake?"_

"_No," he replied calmly as he stood before her desk._

"_It's come to my attention that you are refusing an audience with my former apprentice."_

'_So that's why she called me in.'_

"_With all due respect, Hokage-sama, I don't think it's a wise decision," Kakashi stated._

"_It doesn't really matter what you think. Sakura's requested this meeting with you for a reason. I know you haven't really spoken to her since the incident, so this would give you a good opportunity to-"_

"_No."_

_Tsunade blinked incredulously at the man before. "What?"_

"_No. I refuse to go."_

_Tsunade sighed irritably and began to rub her temples. "Look Hatake, this is hard for you. Believe me, I know," she said ignoring the skeptical look on his face and the indignant snort he gave before continuing, "But this is hard for Sakura too. I know you've suffered just as much as her, but I'm going to back her up on this decision."_

"_You can't make me do this, Tsunade-sama. It's-"_

"_Actually, I can and as much as you would like to run away from this with your tail between your legs, you will have to confront this eventually. One way or another."_

"…"

_A sigh left her lips and she looked out the window, a wistful look in her eyes as she spoke. "I'd like to see the two of you like before, as colleagues, as friends. I want your happiness, but I want hers also. Sakura's only asking for a moment of your time to talk. Think about it."_

_End flashback_

He did think about it. He eventually agreed, but he was tentative about this. He'd destroyed a friendship, broken her trust in him, and devastated her to the point that she could not stand to look at him without triggering horrible memories, but she wanted to talk to him. He was a bit relieved, but it was outweighed by the guilt inside of him. It was with a heavy heart that he finally opened the door.

When Kakashi entered the room, the first thing he noticed was the view the room had and how bright it was in here, the second thing he noticed was that she had stood when he had come in.

"Ohayo…Kakashi."

"Ohayo…Sakura," he returned awkwardly. The two fidgeted where they stood, both not knowing what to say in fear of reopening wounds that were still healing. Suddenly, Sakura moved, startled by a thought, and extended an arm. "Would you…like to sit?" she asked motioning to the seat beside hers.

Kakashi gave a slight nod and walked over to the chair as Sakura sat back in hers. He pulled it back slightly and slipped in beside her. She visibly tensed and after a deep breath, she relaxed and turned to him. "Sorry about that."

"No need," he replied softly and stared out the window at the scenery, Sakura doing the same beside him. He liked the room. He didn't know why since he knew every other patient room in the hospital looked the same as this one, but this one felt special. Maybe it had to do with the view from the window.

He didn't know how long they sat like that. It could have been seconds, it could have been minutes. Then, Sakura turned towards him.

"How have you been?" she asked, the soft light outside illuminating her features as well as his own.

"I've been…alright," he said as if the word was foreign to his tongue, or maybe it was because he wasn't and it felt strange to say he was. "How about you?" he asked in return.

Sakura turned her head to the window. "I've been fine."

"Hm," he said weighing her words. "Anything else?"

"I've been talking a lot more. I'm starting to train again. Naruto got a noodle stuck up his nose yesterday."

Kakashi turned to her. "Really?"

"Yeah. Sasuke and Naruto were arguing again and Sasuke slapped Naruto into his bowl. When Naruto came out of the ramen, he had a strand dangling from his nose."

"Either he got lucky or Sasuke has good aim," Kakashi responded and Sakura chuckled slightly. "How are they?" he asked.

"Naruto is okay. Still the same, though he's starting to get a bit lonely what with Hinata going to the compound for family business," Sakura replied.

"And Sasuke?"

"Sasuke…Sasuke's the same also, but he's starting to worry about me a lot. Sometimes I wonder if this is what it would be like to have a brother."

"Aa."

Sakura nodded, more to herself than to him when she noticed something. "Miyamoto-san!"

Kakashi looked up to see the white-haired man slowly being wheeled towards the window. "Sakura-san. It's so good to see you. I heard you were hurt on your mission. Are you alright? And Hatake-san, are you done visiting your friend?"

Sakura took everything with a smile. "I'm getting better and Kakashi was visiting me."

"Oh."

Kakashi said nothing. Yoshito gave her a smile. "Well, I'm glad to see you're all right. Take care, Sakura-san. You too, Hatake-san."

And the silence returned. They made no attempt to break it, instead settling to watch as the leaves fall. It had a calming effect on Sakura, somehow. Like the reds and yellows and oranges drifting delicately to the green grass had managed to calm her in a way she hadn't thought previously.

It was nice.

"How…how do you know Miyamoto-san?" she asked suddenly.

"I…ran into him earlier. He said my name. He treated me like a hero," Kakashi replied quietly. It was like if he spoke any louder, he'd break this fragile silence between them. He fidgeted slightly, uncomfortable of the thought of disturbing something like this when he had already done so much damage.

"Your reputation precedes you." And he inwardly flinched, knowing that she had not meant for the words to spite him. She didn't understand the full brunt of the words she spoke. He ignored the pain.

"You know…" Kakashi began slowly, struggling with the words as he spoke, "Miyamoto-san, he…he asked earlier if you were still on the mission. He…he asked if you were alright."

"Oh. He did?" she asked, not really asking, but more stating it to herself, as if testing out the meaning of the words. "What did you tell him?"

"The nurse interrupted the conversation before I could answer," he replied. It was something he was thankful for. How was he to tell him that Sakura was the friend he was visiting and that he was the one who hurt her-raped her-violated her in the worst possible ways. The words of the outside world did not touch here, another thing he was thankful for. Miyamoto-san was a kind man and for such kindness, Kakashi did not wish for the man to suffer. He had hurt too many people already.

"He…he was…worried about you," Kakashi offered quietly. "He wanted to know how you were doing."

"I believe he found his answer," Sakura said with a small upturning at the corner of her lips.

Another stab at his heart. Another twist. He stood as she watched the leaves twirl and flutter in the wind before resting in the greenery. It was a picturesque setting. Irony bit at him from the inside.

He brushed the back of his pants and pulled his chair out slightly to exit more easily. He turned to his left, his pants leg brushing against her arm briefly, but it was enough to snap her spine rigidly and force a sharp intake of breath.

He walked slowly, one foot in front of the other when all he wanted to do was run from the room and claw at his skin in a desperate attempt to free the feelings of self-loathing from his body and purge the disgust he felt for himself, but the weight in his heart seemed to slow him. She stood and turned to him, clutching a porcelain hand to her chest, her white dress making her glow in the grey light.

"I forgive you, Kakashi. You do know that, right?"

Her voice was timid, hesitant like a child speaking to an older stranger.

He wanted to believe her. Truly and desperately, he did, but as much as he wanted to believe that she had forgiven him of his sin, he just couldn't believe in anything anymore.


	10. Countdown to Self Destruction

_Waking in a sweat again_  
_Another day's been laid to waste_  
_In my disgrace_  
_Stuck in my head again_  
_Feels like I'll never leave this place_  
_There's no escape_  
_I'm my own worst enemy…_

* * *

Through a plate glass window of a small tea shop, saucers clinked and dull chatter could be heard. On the other side, a dirt road with mothers, fathers, women, children, and pets, houses and shops lining the brown road. Light-colored eyes stared through the flimsy barrier while a manicured hand reached for a small teacup, turning it twice before raising it to lips painted with a gloss that shined in the light of the day.

It was an average weekday. Ino had taken time off at her parent's shop and invited Sakura to chat for old time's sake. Sakura agreed, Tsunade having extended her vacation and having nothing better to do, but when the time came and when they had gotten seated, an awkward silence stood between them and both had no idea how to break it.

'_So this is it,'_ Ino thought to herself as she set her tea cup on the tabletop. She turned to the girl before her, but corrected herself. She wasn't a girl anymore, in more ways than one.

"How have you been?" the sapphire-eyed girl asked tentatively.

"Alright. A bit bored seeing how I have no work to do," she replied blandly before sipping her tea.

Ino chuckled. "I see."

She could also see that Sakura was starting to get past this. She was going out more. She saw her at the grocer's with a kind smile on her face as she shopped. She also saw that Sakura was getting into the habit of wearing dresses like the one she was wearing today. It was a fitted white dress with a pink sash around the waist. It was nice on her.

'_Then again,'_ Ino reasoned, _'with no missions, she can afford to dress up a bit.'_

She looked down at her own clothing, a purple T-shirt with white Capri pants that didn't look too bad on her before she looked up to see that Sakura had turned to the window once more, a bouquet of pink roses in the seat beside her—a belated birthday present. Ino fidgeted in her seat.

"My…my family offers their apologies, my parents especially," she said softly, her head bowed as she forced the hands she folded neatly in her lap to not wring themselves.

"It's alright, Ino-chan," Sakura comforted.

"No, it's not alright. You were raped—by my uncle—an uncle I didn't know even existed until recently and am ashamed to be related to," she admitted, gaze turned to the side. She couldn't bear to look her in the eye.

"Ino, you wouldn't have been able to do anything," Sakura reasoned. She turned to the window with a wistful gaze that even she didn't know she had. "I certainly couldn't."

Ino was about to protest but held her tongue. She was right. Even if those techniques came from her family, there was no way she'd be able to stand up to an S-class nin if Sakura couldn't even do anything. She bit her lip and looked up shyly. "What…what was it like?" she asked.

If Sakura was surprised, she didn't show it. They both knew Ino had not meant for the question to sound like it did. She was just curious. It was probably the same with all the other women offering their condolences. Underneath all those attempts to be empathetic was a faint curiosity. Ino was just the first one who had the guts to ask.

"It…I can't really describe it," Sakura answered. "It's one of those things where it just happens and you can't really help it, but I remember things. I remember feeling so afraid, like my heart was trying to claw its way up my throat to get out. It felt hot afterwards because I was fighting so much and then…I remember it being very…cold," Sakura said, brows knitting in concentration as she tried her best to explain it to her friend. She hadn't told her everything, partly because it was so hard to explain. Like explaining color to the blind, but also because Ino wouldn't have been able to handle it.

Honestly, how could Sakura tell her that when he raped her, it felt like she had been set on fire? Everything hurt, everything ached, especially between her legs and she felt so helpless. For the first time in her life, she felt utterly and completely helpless. And how was she supposed to tell Ino that after he finished, she felt utterly defeated and the world seemed a bit colder and a bit darker than before. That it felt like he ripped out any remaining innocence she had in her heart. That she couldn't sleep for the first few weeks because all she saw was him and it was in her dreams that she would relive it all, like she was in a movie acting out the same scene over and over again. She couldn't tell Ino. As cliché as it sounded, she wouldn't wish this fate on anyone.

Ino nodded at the answer. She wasn't stupid. She might be brash and callous, but she wasn't stupid. She knew Sakura wasn't telling her things, but after what she went through, Ino didn't blame her. Some things were best left alone.

"How you holding up, forehead?" Ino asked softly, a comforting smile on her lips as she rubbed Sakura's shoulder. The pink-haired girl smiled a bit in return.

"I'm fine. Naruto checks up on me now and then and Sasuke won't let me out of his sight. I know they just want to make sure I'm alright, but it gets a bit annoying. Sometimes I wonder if Hinata thinks me and Naruto are having an affair because he spends so much time with me," Sakura joked. Ino chuckled as well.

"I doubt it. Naruto's relentless when it comes to Hinata. I think when she finally gets pregnant that Naruto isn't going to let her walk anymore for fear of the baby and for her hurting herself."

Sakura chuckled. "I can see that happening."

Ino smiled at Sakura's laugh. She had a nice laugh. It was nice to hear her laugh again. Laughing felt good at this moment, but she felt something gnaw at her from the inside. She had heard things. Many things in the past few weeks. Most of them, awful, but there was something she had heard yesterday and she wanted to know if it was true. Not to fuel her gossiping tendencies, but to settle the unsure feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"I heard you were in the hospital with Kakashi. Did he do something to you again?"

Sakura seemed stunned at the implication because her next words were, "What do you mean?"

"You were in the hospital. Did he hurt you again? Because if he did, you should tell me and-"

"Ino, he didn't do anything to me. I told him to meet me in the hospital because I wanted to talk," Sakura stated.

"WHAT?"

"That was the same reaction Tsunade had the first time I told her," Sakura mused, a small smile playing on her lips.

"You…_told_ him to meet you at the hospital? Why?" Ino asked, whole-heartedly confused.

Sakura smiled sadly. "If I'm ever going to get past this, we're going to have to talk."

The answer stunned Ino. The old Sakura would have denied the situation until someone else confronted her about it, but this wasn't the old Sakura. The old Sakura died with her last vestige of innocence. Instead, this Sakura handled things maturely. Too maturely. Was this how rape changed a person?

"What did you talk about?" Ino asked out of curiosity.

"Mostly what we're talking about. How things have been for the both of us and things like that."

"Oh."

Sakura sipped her tea and feeling a bit hungry, nibbled a bit of one of the sweets on her plate.

"How was he?" Ino asked suddenly.

Sakura blinked. "Who?"

"Kakashi. How was he when you saw him?"

Sakura's face fell slightly and the air around her seemed to become denser. "He…he's gained some weight since I met him, so he's eating again. He's still a bit pale and he looks tired. He…I told him I forgave him yesterday, but I don't think he'll stop blaming himself. It wasn't his fault, but he won't stop blaming himself. I'm a bit worried," she ended solemnly.

Ino mulled over her words and popped a sweet confection into her mouth before speaking. "Well, I don't blame him."

Sakura's eyes widened, but before she could protest, Ino held up a hand to quiet her friend. "Let me finish, forehead. Think about it for a minute. You two are in the same boat. You couldn't have thought that you were the only one traumatized by this incident, did you?"

"I know, Ino, but-"

"But nothing. Sakura, he raped you. You know it, he knows it, the entire village knows it, but like the village, he still thinks it's his fault. Honestly, what would you do if you were in his shoes? You were just taken over by an enemy nin who used your body to rape your former student and friend. He feels guilty, Sakura. He feels he disappointed you by not being able to protect you—especially since it was him that did it."

"But it wasn't him, it was-"

"My uncle. I know, Sakura; I know, but think of it this way. No matter what people say and how much we know is true, the truth remains that it was his body that did it. It was Kakashi's body and he has to live with that body for the rest of his life. I know your body got violated just as much as him, but you didn't get your mind violated as well. Since everything happened inside him, he believes that since it was happening inside him, he could've prevented it. But he failed and he blames himself for what happened."

Sakura bit her lip. "I…What do I do then?"

Ino shrugged. Just because she had a profound moment, didn't mean she could figure out all of life's mysteries.

"I don't know, forehead. I don't know."

* * *

Rain poured heavily from the sky above. It was wet, the smell of the forest and the grass beginning to leak into the air. Droplets of water rolled down the smooth faces of the cenotaph, dipping into the engraved names on the black stone before sliding down to mix with the grass. Each drop that went into the names made it seem like nature was trying to crudely trace the names of the fallen warriors. And in the sheets of rain that fell, cold water mixed with the lingering warmth etched into a name.

"Hi Obito," Kakashi greeted at last. It was roughly two in the afternoon, or at least, that's what he thought the last time he looked up at the sun. That was before the rain had appeared, so he couldn't tell what time it was now that the sun was gone. He had been here since dawn and it was only until now that he had gathered the ability to speak, spending the past few hours trying to figure out what to say, how to start—that sort of thing.

Talking was never his forte.

"Well, if you haven't heard from the others visiting this place, I raped my student. I just wanted you to hear it from me."

The rain swelled and he heard lighting crack in the distance. In the back of his mind, he wondered how a clear morning had turned into such a torrential storm.

"I…We were on a mission together," he began, feeling awkward. This was the first time he had been here after he raped Sakura. He was wary, unsure if he was worthy of being before his friend after doing such a thing. He came here after a fitful night of sleep. He was having nightmares, awful things that his guilty conscience concocted for him to suffer like she did. But when he appeared at the cenotaph, all the things he wanted to confide and tell Obito seemed to disappear from his tongue. What exactly would he tell him?

And finally, after hours of struggling to find the words and the blind courage he had earlier, he managed to say hello and things just seemed to tumble from there.

"We were getting a scroll back and I was fighting a missing-nin—Inoichi's brother. Did you know he had a brother?" he asked before dismissing the question with a wave of his hand. He was getting off-topic.

"Anyway, I was fighting him and…and…Kami, I let my guard down," he said, his voice mixed with sadness, bitterness, and regret at the memory.

"He took over my body. The damn bastard took over my body," he said with an empty chuckle. "He took over my body and raped her as I watched—you were there. You, Rin, my father. You were all there, telling me to just let go and I almost did. It would've been so easy to just give up and give in, but I couldn't. I vowed to protect her and I failed. I failed her miserably, Obito."

The rain let up slightly and a wind blew across his face. He continued.

"I managed to break the jutsu. I got him out of my body and killed him, but the bastard—that damn bastard just kept looking at me. He was just looking at me with that smug look on his face asking me if I liked it, and I looked at her and she…she…the look in her eyes…She looked at me with so much disappointment and I…I had a dream about her. Last night, I had a dream…"

* * *

_Kakashi lazed in the branch of a tree, a volume of Icha Icha in hand as he listened to the sound of birds chirping. He closed his eyes, smiling at the calm that reached him in the treetops, but felt something nag at him, like he forgot to do something. Something…important._

"_Kakashi!"_

_He furrowed his brows. Someone was calling him._

"_Kakashi!"_

_They were closer. He opened an eye and peered over the side over the branch. "Sakura?"_

"_Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura smiled as she looked up at him. She was wearing a white sundress and white sandals. She looked beautiful._

_Kakashi jumped down from the tree, landing softly in front of her. "What's the occasion?" he asked, his hands in his pockets as he stood lazily before her. She simply giggled._

"_Can't I just see my favorite hentai-reading sensei?"_

"_Of course you can," he replied with his trademark smile before falling into step with her as they walked around the village. They talked. Small things like weather and Naruto's latest mishap or about missions when he suddenly found them at the memorial stone. Sakura turned to him._

"_You know you're my best friend, right, Kakashi-sensei?" she asked, hands held behind her back as she rocked herself on her heels._

"_I thought Ino was your best friend," he replied in slight surprise. She smiled. _

"_She is, but I can trust you more. Ino is good for girl stuff, but I can trust you with anything." She turned to face him, eyes full of childish innocence. "Kakashi?"_

"_Yes?" he asked, turning to face her._

"_If something were to happen to me, you'd protect me, right?"_

_Kakashi looked at her with worry. Why was she saying these things? _

"_Is something wrong, Sakura? Is someone after you?"_

_She shook her head. "Iie. I'm just asking." She turned to face him once more. "So would you?"_

_Kakashi stared at her for a moment, shocked that she trusted him so completely that she'd leave her life in his hands. He was touched._

_Placing a hand on her shoulder, he smiled at her warmly._

"_Yes, Sakura-chan. I would."_

_._

_._

_._

"_Kakashi-sensei! Kakashi-sensei!"_

_Kakashi looked up from the tree branch he sat upon, looking at the scene in bewilderment. The same tree, the same branch, the same view; he was here before. _

_He leapt down, landing with a soft thud as he looked at his former student. Naruto was panting heavily, gasping for air with his shoulders hunched as sweat fell from his brow. Kakashi looked at him with worry. "Naruto, what happened?"_

"_Tsunade—Tsunade-baa-chan—She—it—"_

"_It's what, Naruto?"_

"_It's Sakura!"_

_Mismatched eyes widened in horror and he felt his heart sink. 'Something happened to her?' he thought with alarm as he bounded into the treetops, Naruto's shouting fading into the distance as his heart hammered violently against his ribcage. What happened? Was she hurt? Is she okay?_

_It wasn't long until he found himself at the hospital, but it was strange. He wasn't in the ICU, but in the morgue. For some reason, his feet had carried him to the morgue first as if his body knew something he didn't. _

_He stepped inside, past the heavy metal doors and into the dark room, lit only by a single over-hanging light. The smell of blood reached his nose, but he was used to it by now. He was used to death._

_He stepped further into the room, mindful of the autopsy instruments in the silver tray that lay atop the small rolling table. There was no one around, just the body on the examination table, a bloodied white sheet draped over the body. He looked around and found it strange that this was the only body here, but shrugged the thought aside. His hands moved towards the sheet and he did nothing to stop them. He couldn't, really—only watch with morbid fascination as they gripped the sheet and pulled it over the head, gripping them tighter as the color drained from his face and he recognized the person on the table._

_He felt her name bubble over his throat, but didn't let it out to ask if it was really her—he knew there would be no point. She was dead._

_A gloved hand gripped the edge of the metal table as he let go of the cloth. Her mouth was slightly open and her eyes were peaceably shut. If it wasn't for the blue tint of her skin, he'd have thought she was sleeping._

_He reached down just to brush away a stray strand of hair that lay at the corner of her lip, but as soon as his fingers brushed her chilled skin, a voice sounded softly._

"_How could you?"_

_Kakashi turned, startled and looked up as his hand hovered over her body. It was Tsunade. She wore a dark coat in place of her usual green one and her face was sober—startlingly so, but her words buzzed by his ear._

"_What do you mean?" he asked in a hushed tone. She simply repeated her words._

"_How could you?"_

_Kakashi turned his head to see Naruto. Sasuke was with him also. The Kyuubi container had his lips curled in a snarl, the whiskers on his cheeks widening as his eyes dyed red and the chakra from the demon inside him threaded into the air around the boy; the Uchiha heir merely stood stoically beside him, but his sharingan was revealed and spun slowly as his murderous intent mixed with Tsunade's sorrow._

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Sensei…"_

_A cold hand gripped his and Kakashi turned in horror as Sakura sat up on the examination table, her hand still gripping his. "How could you?"_

"_Why is everyone saying that? What happened? What did I do?" he asked, a pleading note in his voice and she looked at him sadly, as if regretting his words. _

"_You don't remember, do you?" she asked, her hold on his hand tightening and he looked at her with confusion._

"_Remember what?"_

_Suddenly, Sasuke, Naruto, Tsunade and the room faded into darkness and all that remained was the light, the examination table, and her, but even those eventually disappeared and the scenery was swallowed by the darkness as well._

_._

_._

_._

_Kakashi looked around. He couldn't see anything, not even his hand as he extended it before him. Just where was he? His feet began to pull him once more and he followed. It seemed his body was leading him somewhere and it wasn't long before he saw what it was._

'_The village?' he asked himself as he took in their trademark architecture. The houses with their shingled roofs and the shop curtains billowing in a light breeze from the night air. Footsteps sounded behind him and he turned to see a figure walking towards him. They were dressed in white. Was it Kurenai? No, he saw a bare minimum of red, but what he did see was…pink._

'_She's still alive. She didn't die yet. Maybe I got a second chance. I have to warn her!'_

"_Sakura!" he shouted, reaching for her wrist, but his hand grabbed air and she flipped her hair over her shoulder and passed through him without a second glance. He looked at himself, touching his arms and feeling his pulse to assure himself that he was still alive when he heard a slight rustling hidden beneath the sound of the wind. He looked up and saw a shadow appear behind her._

"_Sakura!"_

_But it was no use. She could not hear him and he could only watch as the person grabbed her from behind. She struggled, but they twisted her arm painfully. Tears stung her eyes and her cry for help went unheard as they held a cloth over her mouth. Her screams were muffled and it wasn't long before she sank against her captor._

_Chloroform._

_The scene changed again and he found himself in front of a room. Moans and screams filtered through the wood to his ears and he reached for the doorknob, surprised that he felt it in his hand, but it could never compare to what he saw next._

_Inside the room was a candle, smoke rose from the burnt wick as moonlight filtered through an open window. He could smell the faint scent of moisture and knew that where ever he was wasn't far from a body of water. Darkness shrouded the room, but in the moonlight, he could see the corner of a bed, pale blue sheets and limbs spilling off the mattress as grunts and the sound of flesh against flesh reached his ears and the smell of sex reached his nose._

'_You like?'_

_Kakashi started at the inquisitive voice. He looked around, but found no one and let his gaze flit to the couple on the bed. 'I should go.'_

'_You're not staying?'_

_He turned sharply, arm half-raised as he hoped that he had at least hit whatever was talking to him. "Who are you?"_

'_I guess you aren't staying. Shame, really.'_

"_What are you talking about?" Kakashi asked aloud, turning his head to try and find the voice._

'_You won't be able to find me, if that's what you're trying to do. Anyway, if you leave now, you'll miss the good part.'_

_He turned to look disdainfully upon the mating pair and the child of a sneer and a scowl crossed his face under his mask. "I don't think I'll be missing anything."_

'_Aren't teachers supposed to look at their students' work?' the voice remarked. 'You're horrible. You obviously aren't looking hard enough.'_

_Kakashi raised a brow skeptically._

'_Go on, look,' the voice urged and Kakashi sighed to himself before focusing his eyes to the darkness and he could make out the barest details. The female had her arms at her sides, her knee down cast in the moonlight as her foot dangled off the foot of the bed at a diagonal angle, jolting with each thrust her partner made._

"_I saw."_

'_No, you didn't. Here, let me help.' And Kakashi watched the moonlight shift over the bed as if time had sped up and the scene before him lay untouched. He adjusted his eyes to the sudden increase in lighting and felt his spine snap straight as he tried to swallow the lump in his throat to make room for words, but all that came out was a strangled "Sakura…?"_

_Haruno Sakura. Birthday March 28, age 20. Jounin medic ninja. Took apprenticeship under the current Hokage, Tsunade, at age fourteen. Approx. 167 centimeters tall with no next of kin, lay in the bed, eyes lifeless as she stared up at the ceiling, her body being used for the sick pleasure of the man above her. Kakashi turned away, hands balling into fists as he averted his gaze when the voice decided to make itself known._

'_You're not having fun? Yeah, I'm not having fun either. She was more fun earlier. She was screaming and fighting and everything. He really liked it, but she got quiet after the fifth time and it's not so fun anymore.'_

"_Stop…Make it stop," he said screwing his eyes shut and biting his lower lip to stop it from trembling and the anguish in place of her from bubbling out, but a strangled cry managed to escape his lips and the voice turned venomous._

_Fingers skated across his shoulder and he felt his chin jerked and his eyes opened to see a bare image of him. The same silver hair and mismatched eyes looked him in the face, but a rakish smile and sinister gleam in his eyes stared back at him. _

"_You poor misguided fool," he cooed, fingers tracing down his jaw line, "You really think she doesn't like this? That she wasn't enjoying this? She got wet really fast. She started moaning after a while. Her tears tasted good, but it didn't taste as good as it did down there. Even though she was crying, she really liked it. You seemed to, too."_

_Eyes that were clenched tight opened wide as he turned to face his visage. "What are you taking about?" he hissed._

_The other him smiled with satisfaction, as if pleased he had managed to get under his skin, and spun his finger before pointing towards the bed. "See for yourself."_

_Slowly, he turned his head and the first features began to show themselves. A strong jaw line, aristocratic cheekbones, a straight nose, thin, but full lips, and a mop of silver hair that lay plastered to his skin._

_Kakashi didn't want to look, but he couldn't stop himself. It was like someone had stepped into his skin and began controlling everything he did. He involuntarily shivered as memories of Isao reared their ugly head in the back of his mind and he watched the sick display before him._

_It was like watching a movie. They couldn't see him or hear him, but he could see and hear everything they did, down to the finest detail. He could see the liquid that oozed from Sakura's opening as his phallus entered and exited her. He could see the sheen of sweat on her body and the flush of her cheeks under her empty gaze. He could make out the image of himself brace his weight on his forearms as he frantically searched for heaven in his hellish act and each vertebra that exposed itself from under his skin and how his jaw tensed with each thrust._

_He was close, Kakashi could see it in how unfocused his eyes were and watched as he moved his arms. _

'_Just finish and leave,' he silently pleaded, desperately trying to turn away and he wished he did when he watched himself wrap his fingers around her throat. Her eyes widened in alarm and her arms tried to pry his hands from her windpipe, but his fingers were clamped firmly around it. In fact, he seemed amused by her feeble attempts; he could see it in his smirk and felt his veins bulge under the skin of his clenched fists._

_He thrusted frantically, telling her how tight her body felt and how she should scream more as choking noises escaped her throat and her fingernails clawed at the back of his hand. He chuckled before cursing as he spilled himself inside of her and tears leaked from the corners of her eyes before they became dead once more._

_Kakashi watched as he withdrew his hands from her throat and pulled out of her. She gasped, eyes shutting as she gulped for air. He knew she would have deep bruising, but she was still breathing and he let out a small sigh of relief, but even that was short-lived. His clone soon came back to the bed, a kunai in hand. He threw it lazily from one hand to another before kneeling on the bed and he watched as Sakura peered from under her eyelashes. Kakashi turned away for this._

_The sound of blood splatter reached his ears and he could see the scene play out for him from behind his eyelids. He would smile at her, lazily tossing the weapon from hand to hand as he watched her regain her breath. Her chest would heave from getting air after being oxygen-deprived for so long. He'd kneel on the bed and just as she would look up to see what was going on, he'd slit her throat. Her lids would fly open and her hands would flail at her sides and reach for her neck as her blood would spurt like a gothic fountain, painting the walls in a sick ruby-red._

_He chanced opening his eyes, the dying spurt of her carotid artery giving a last ditch effort to pump blood to her dying brain meeting his eyes as he watched the kunai scratch into her skin. Blood slid down the walls as he watched the kunai scratch over her stomach. He relayed the movements to his brain and he recognized it as the same motions he used for his signature. He was engraving his name into her flesh._

_._

_._

_._

_Kakashi wiped the blood of his kunai on the edge of the comforter, the moonlight bathing his naked form. He glanced up once at the bed and scowled slightly. "Sakura, don't look at me like that," he told the girl on the bed, her pupils dilated as she half-gazed at the ceiling, half-gazed at him, blood dripping from her stomach to stain the sheets beneath her._

_Drip._

_Drip._

_He nodded and smirked as he held the kunai to the light, watching it gleam. Catching it deftly on his finger, he watched the metal object whirl before catching it in his hand and licking the broad plane of metal, catching a blood droplet he had missed on his tongue as he caught his audience's gaze._

"_Did you enjoy it?" _

_Kakashi gagged, his body jerking forward slightly as he felt the bile rise in his throat. It seemed that compared to the sharingan's Tsukuyomi, his mind could provide the crueler torture._

* * *

Kakashi shook his head to clear his thoughts and stared at the stone. A shudder ran down his spine as he remembered those awful memories. It was horrible, he could feel his skin crawl on his body and it felt like every sensation of that dream was etched in his mind. He brushed a wet lock from his face and gazed forlornly at the cenotaph.

"I saw her. A few days ago, I saw her. She said she forgave me, but I've done so many awful things to her—and that _voice_ in my head. That damn voice in my head won't leave me alone and it just won't stop talking! The pills—the medication—I shove it down my throat everyday and it seems to work, but it comes back at night. It comes back in my dreams and I can't sleep anymore and I can't stop the dreaming!"

A gust of wind blew across his face and he closed his eyes on a heavy sigh and rubbed his eye with the heel of his palm. "I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks, Obito. I don't think I can take it anymore..."

The cenotaph stared him in the face, the wind and rain hitting his eyes and cheeks, the dampness of the fabric slightly suffocating him. He traced a familiar name.

"What would you do, Obito? What would you do if you were in my place?"

And this was how Sakura found him, shivering slightly and soaked to bone with a look of utter despair on his face. Walking up to him slowly, flaring her chakra so he knew she was there, she stood so her umbrella sheltered both of them from the rain. She didn't know why, but that night, she took him home and warmed him up.

He never said a word.


	11. Monster

_Monster.  
How should I feel?  
Creatures lie here.  
Looking through the window..._

_That night he caged her._  
_Bruised and broke her._  
_He struggled closer._  
_Then he stole her._  
_Violet wrists and then her ankles._  
_Silent Pain._  
_Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams._

_-Monster by Meg & Dia_

* * *

Pain.

There were many different kinds of pain and so many different ways to feel it. Physical pain, depending on severity and type, felt internal. A paper-cut, when noticed, felt like a prick or a sting. A gash on your knee from when you tripped had a slight burning sensation. A broken rib made it hard to breathe and felt like something inside you was leaking some corrosive agent and neurological pain felt like molten lead was coursing through your system.

Emotional pain had its own feel as well. Depression made you feel like something or someone dragged your insides through a puddle of mud. Frustration made you feel like you were going to explode. Anguish made it feel like you were thrown into the ocean in the middle of a storm. Heartbreak felt like someone was stabbing you in the heart before it became a dull ache and betrayal…felt like heartbreak, but not quite it. Betrayal went as deep as heartbreak, but burrowed even further. The feeling would spread through your chest, leaving your limbs cold as fire seared every cell and organelle in your body, constricting your airways and suffocating you until you were so disoriented, you felt like crying because you didn't know what to do anymore, but…Kakashi was always told that pain was superficial—that didn't exist for a shinobi…

…so what _was_ he feeling then? This muddled feeling?

He felt sharp stabbing pains that penetrated his rib cage repeatedly and made breathing impossible. He felt cold and hot at the same time. His body felt like he had just walked on glass, but he didn't remember walking barefoot near any broken bottles and…what was this? This feeling of abject misery and the strange sensation that with every stab made to his heart, it was being wrenched in place, twisting the arteries as his heart beat steadily, still doing its job of pumping blood while it lay skewered on whatever was prodding the muscle.

He laughed bitterly, the sound rich, but still managing to have the quality of nails on a chalkboard. He smiled to himself. Shinobi were not supposed to betray emotions. They did not feel emotions. They did not feel pain.

So what could he call the sensation in his body?

* * *

_Eyes rolled back into his head as a primal groan left his lips. Pleasure was rocketing through his system and he laughed aloud, deliriously drunk on whatever was giving him such euphoria._

_It felt wonderful. He could only compare it to flying, moving without boundaries and restrictions. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this good. Like he was going to just burst out and shout to the world. He didn't know what he would say, but he knew it wouldn't compare to what he was feeling now. _

_Nothing could compare to this._

_Warmth flooded his system as the feeling increased tenfold. His breath caught in his throat as he reveled in this beautiful feeling. Whatever it was, he never wanted to end, pleading to whoever was up there that this feeling wouldn't end. The sensation of warmth and delightful tingling sent pulses of electricity rocketing between his neurons and made a pleasured cry fall from his lips._

_Warmth was pooling under his fingers as well. Something was slipping down his face; he could feel it rub against the bridge of his nose. He reached up to pull it from his face. _

_He could see now._

_He felt cold metal and warm cotton pressed into the palm of his hand. Turning the object that lay in his hands, he watched as the unknown light source bounced of the metal plate that rested on his hand and traced the insignia engraved into the metal. He recognized it instantly. It was a leaf village hitai-ate, but why was it slashed?_

_A small whimper was heard from beneath him and he looked down to see a person beneath him, their back to him as their face turned to the side, their breathing shallow and he began to notice things he had not seen before. The collection of mirrors surrounding the two of them, the moonlight that seemed to enter the room from absolutely nowhere, the stench of sex and blood, the deep bruising on the person's pale skin, and ends of pastel pink hair._

_Kakashi's eyes widened in horror as he recognized the person that lay beneath him. He gently shook her shoulder. "Sakura?" he asked in a whisper and quickly removed his hand from her as she flinched and cried out, weakly trying to shy away from him as the sounds of her muffled sobbing reached his ears. A voice whispered in his ears._

"_You raped her."_

"_I-I didn't know," he pleaded and inwardly winced at the weakness in his voice. He sounded like a helpless teenager accused of murder, not the man he knew himself as._

"_Liar!" another voice shouted._

"_I'm not lying!" he shouted back defensively as he tried with whatever reason he had left to try and remember how he got here._

"_He says he's not lying," a third voice said._

"_But you liked it all the same," the second voice hissed venomously and he held his tongue, knowing if he said anything else, he would be flat-out lying. He did enjoy it and it sickened him to his core._

"_Did you like her screams?" questioned the first voice, curiosity in his tone._

"_What?"_

"_Or her moans?" asked the third voice, just as curious as the first._

"_Huh?"_

"_Pedophile! You've been after her since she was a genin!"_

"_What? No!" he shouted in alarm. The female voice disappeared, but the two male voices replaced her._

"_Was she tight?" the third voice asked._

"_What? Why are you asking me these things?" he asked in return, looking around confusedly as his hands held his head, as if to catch his slipping sanity and keep the thoughts in his head from spilling out._

"_How wet was she?" the first voice queried._

"_Stop it."_

"_Do you think she would do me too?" the first voice asked._

"_Stop it…"_

"_No, I think you'd have to be her teacher, but let's ask him. Would she?" ventured the third voice._

"_Stop."_

"_Freak!" screeched the second voice and it was like he could see who she was, but he knew these voices were faceless, but his imagination ran wild, inventing faces for these figures. The first voice was brown-haired and brown-eyed and was young. The third voice was a blonde male with amber eyes and a face of sixteen and the second voice was a woman with black hair and pale skin. She had ruby lips and obsidian eyes. Eyes wild with a seething hatred aimed at him._

"_Stop," he demanded, knuckles white and jaw tightly clenched._

"_No. You…you sick man," she said glaring spitefully at him._

"_Shut up." _

"_No…you're not a man. You're lower than a man, lower than a dog. You're __**nothing**__."_

"_Shut…up."_

"_You sicko—you're a freak! Going around and raping women and that little whore of yours is no different!"_

"_Shut. Up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" he shouted, teeth gnashing as he pounded his white-knuckled fists against his temples, hoping he would soon lose consciousness, but it caused him nothing but pain, but it was nothing compared to the words leaking into his ear._

_As quickly as they arrived, the voices disappeared, a single voice replacing them all. Fingers closed about his shoulders as a voice whispered in his ear._

"_How does it feel…to know you're exactly like me?"_

_Kakashi looked up in alarm and clambered away from the mirror, his heart hammering against his chest as he remembered the true meaning of fear._

"_No…you're lying! I'll never be like you!" _

_The voice chuckled deeply; amused by how deep the thought seemed to disgust him and more intriguingly…instill fear within the Copy Nin's heart._

"_See for yourself."_

_And Kakashi looked up to face the mirror, but what he saw in the mirror's reflection shocked him. Blonde hair and blue eyes set inside a tan face weathered by the elements. A hand rose to hesitantly touch his cheek in disbelief before looking down at it and failing to stop the bile from rising up his stomach and leaving his mouth._

_Convulsions wracked his body and he doubled over, blood mixing with his vomit as he clawed at himself, trying to remove Isao's image from his body as he tore his skin and red liquid oozed out. Even when silver hair drooped over his red iris and his skin was pale once more, he did not stop. He could still feel him on him—in him, like Isao had wormed his way under his skin and sat inside him, laughing…watching._

_Red lines marred his pale skin as blood oozed from his wounds and he collapsed by Sakura's feet, spent of his energy as the feelings of guilt and self-loathing wrapped around him. He shivered, whether from exhaustion or the fact he could still feel Isao on him, he did not know._

_The room was quiet, the light reflecting off the mirrors illuminating their rising and falling backs as Sakura cried into the soiled white sheets and Kakashi panted heavily, the blood oozing from his wounds and seeping into the fabric beneath him, but he could still see him in the mirror—hear him—feel him as a series of words were repeated in his mind as if a whisper carried on the wind._

'_Did you like it?'_

* * *

Kakashi woke with a start, lungs gasping for air as he sat up, shuriken duvet pooled around his waist and hand moving steadily to cover his rapidly beating heart. Slowly, his hand moved up to gently brush against the skin around his mouth, smooth to the touch. He held his hands to the pre-dawn light, laughing aloud as he wriggled his fingers and found they were his own.

"It was so real. That I had become Isao, it was so real," he said holding a hand over his body, not noticing his hands were shaking. Then again, his entire body was trembling as well.

Warmth trickled down his forearms and he glanced down, watching as ruby-red droplets fell onto his white sheets. He touched their origin and his eye twitched slightly as a small shock of pain reached his brain. Blood. He had been bleeding. Lifting his arms up for inspection, he realized more blood was on his upper arms and right shoulder. Looking at his fingernails, he realized he had been clawing at himself in his sleep.

'_Have I really been that afraid? Am I really that scared of becoming…like him?'_

He stood and walked into his bathroom, returning to the chair in his bedroom as he disinfected his scratches and bandaged his wounds. As he twirled the gauze around his arms, his gaze flicked to the bed covered in blood.

Blood.

_A small whimper was heard from beneath him and he looked down to see a person beneath him, their back to him as their face turned to the side, their breathing shallow and he began to notice things he had not seen before. The collection of mirrors surrounding the two of them, the moonlight that seemed to enter the room from absolutely nowhere, the stench of sex and blood, the deep bruising on the person's pale skin, and ends of pastel pink hair._

Pupils dilated as Kakashi reached for his throat, the roll of gauze falling from his fingertips and unraveling as it traveled across the hardwood floor. Air, he couldn't breathe. The stench of blood was everywhere and his lids closed of their own accord as he coughed violently, tremors racking his chest as he bent over in the chair, clear saliva trickling onto the floor and shining in the moonlight.

Opening his eyes, he flicked his gaze up, trying to find something to concentrate on to keep the pain at bay when he saw her, hair fanned out over her shoulders as cuts, both shallow and deep marred her body and the blood seeping from her wounds painted her skin, the scent of sex and jasmine wreathing his mind.

He doubled over once more as the coughing seemed to worsen. He clutched his sides as pain etched its way into the muscles surrounding his abdomen. Shutting his eyes to block out the pain, it only brought images of her and he couldn't stop his stomach contents from falling to the floor with a sickening splash. Dully, he dragged the back of his hand to wipe the acid from his mouth and spat out the remainders of the horrid taste.

Kakashi looked down at his vomit with a mild curiosity before letting his head fall over the back of the chair and raked a hand through his hair. This was becoming a nuisance. It wasn't that he was sick, or rather, not in the traditional sense. It was his nerves, tattered and frayed as the paranoia and sleep-deprivation from his dreams seeped into the cracks of his armor.

Though he seemed fine by day, it was by night that he shed his defenses. He had never done it before—life as a shinobi taught him to be constantly on-guard, but now…now he was exhausted, both mentally and physically. He could barely keep himself awake in the mornings and the talk of the village and images of his dreams began to weigh heavily on his shoulders. A fear that he had never known began to manifest itself in ways that made himself want to tear his heart from his chest, if only to stop the voices.

But…he learned things that he hadn't known before. He learned how to fear, how to be wary, who his friends and enemies were, how to get used to the attacks, what his limits were, how it was to be human and not shinobi, how deeply he could hurt and how deeply he could hurt another.

Another blink and another gaze towards the bed and he could see her once more. The pain from his coughing fit had begun to fade, but he could feel his heart thump against his chest once more.

And when the air in his apartment became too stifling, he grabbed his vest and hitai-ate and tugged the neck of his undershirt to cover the lower portion of his face before dashing out of his window, the light of dawn just peaking over the horizon.

* * *

Sakura smiled to herself as she saw the sun shine that morning. It was a refreshing change from the grey skies that had inhabited Konoha for the past few weeks. The sun had become a rare commodity for the hidden village and she was planning on spending the day well.

Strolling through the village, she waved at the people she passed. They waved back and she smiled at the calm that was returning to the village. It was strange. The village was like an extension of her own body. Just as the calm was returning to the village, the calm was returning to her as well. Her nightmares were becoming less and less frequent and the days were becoming brighter like her smile, but maybe she was being self-absorbed.

She walked quietly, humming a small tune to herself as she dodged a group of children playing tag in the streets, giggling as she heard the yells of an angry cart owner shouting things like 'hooligans' and 'watch where you're going!'

Slowly, the sounds began to fade and became replaced by other sounds. A bird's song, the buzz of a hummingbird's wings, the chirp of an insect, the rustling of leaves in the breeze, the grass blowing from atop the hill, and the soothing sounds of the river and the calm wrapped around her like a warm blanket.

* * *

"_You raped her."_

"_I didn't know."_

"_Pedophile! You've been after her since she was a genin!"_

"_What? No!"_

"_You sicko—you're a freak! Going around and raping women and that little whore of yours is no different!"_

"_Stop!"_

"Kakashi!"

He woke up, startled, and looked around wildly. Where was he? In a tree? Why was he in a tree? Was this where he stopped when he stopped running?

"—sei , are you alright?"

He looked up, startled to find green eyes peering into his own. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Sorry, Sakura. I wasn't paying attention. What were you saying?"

"I was asking if you were alright. You were talking in your sleep," she told him, her face fraught with worry. It had been a week since she last saw him and for her to find him in a state of terror when she saw him again, it disturbed her. She furrowed her brows in concern. "Anything you want to talk about?"

Kakashi looked up, as if to tell her something, but quickly withdrew into himself. "It's nothing," he said quietly.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

Kakashi flinched at her tone. "Yes…I'm sure," he answered, head bowed and shoulders slumped in a silent defeat, but this seemed to escape Sakura. At least, he thought it did because after she nodded, she looked at him and said, "Well, if you ever want to tell me, you know you're always welcome to," and beamed him a smile.

It was slightly forced, he could see that as clear as day. He remembered a time that when she smiled at him, it wasn't forced at all. It was bright and full of the exuberance he remembered her showing. This smile was nothing but a cheap imitation and it hurt to see it…but it hurt even more to know he was the cause.

He watched as she sat in front of him a few feet away, sharing his branch. The wind was blowing her hair, making it gently waft around her in the wind as she kicked her legs and hummed to herself.

Her body was tense and it was clear she was still uneasy about being near him, but that came as no surprise. What did come as a surprise was the fact that when she caught him observing her, she smiled at him with a hint of what he remembered and awkwardly smiled back. The action hurt his jaw muscles after having to force them into the expression and he probably looked like an idiot, but he felt slightly better. It wasn't a vast improvement, but he did feel a bit better. Maybe he should smile more. If she helped him, he might be able to get better and the thought warmed his heart a bit more.

But they were drawn from the moment as Sakura's watch went off. She looked down in surprise and looked back apologetically. "Sorry Kakashi, but I have to get back to the hospital. Isn't it great? I'm working again."

He moved his head to nod and let his eye crinkle to convey he was happy for her. He had to be; she was getting her life back.

She stood, brushing the flecks of bark that stuck to her clothing before turning to him. "Remember, if you ever want to talk, you're always welcome to."

"I'll keep that in mind," he said quietly, but it was a bit louder and brighter than before and she smiled at that.

"Well, I'll see you later, Kakashi-sensei!"

He nodded to himself when he caught the last part of her sentence. "Sakura, I don't think it's a good idea if you keep calling…me…that…"

But she was already in the field below running towards the village and he sighed to himself. She really shouldn't keep calling him 'sensei.' Not only was he no longer her teacher, but he wasn't worthy of the respect the title commanded. He wasn't worthy of it before and he certainly wasn't worthy of it now. Not after what he did to her.

He stared into the treetops surrounding him, watching the sunlight bounce off the leaves and he had to wonder when the sun had appeared. As he watched the light dance over the leaves, a plethora of greens and yellows washing over his eyes in the brilliance of the day, he found his mind replaying her words.

"_Well, if you ever want to tell me, you know you're always welcome to."_

Could he really come to her with his problems? Tell her about his dreams and ask for someone to help him. For her to help him?

"_You raped her."_

"_I didn't know."_

"_Pedophile! You've been after her since she was a genin!"_

"_What? No!"_

"_You sicko—you're a freak! Going around and raping women and that little whore of yours is no different!"_

"_Stop!"_

He turned his head, guilt weighing heavily over his head like the blade of the guillotine. How could he ask that of her? How could he ask her to help him after what he did? He raped her and she wants to help him. It was insane, ludicrous, absurd to a degree that it sickened him, but it was what he wanted. He wanted her help because she would understand his pain.

And he let his shoulder slump and his head sink into his hands. He was becoming what he feared. He was turning…into _him_. He couldn't stop. He wouldn't be able to stop. He would become him and devour. He would devour and burn and rape and kill everything in his path and he would still lust for more. He shouldn't be wanting her help. He should have been distancing himself away from her as much as possible to spare her the pain, and selfishly, his own grief, but he couldn't. He wanted her help because she would be able to help him and understand him and tell him everything would be okay. That there was nothing to be afraid of, that he wouldn't turn into Isao, and that everything would be okay, but a dark chuckle rang in the back of his mind that made his blood run cold and he let his face fall into his upturned hands as he whispered to himself.

"_I'm a monster…"_


	12. Parasite

_You didn't feel it before—__you couldn't feel it before, but you know now…can imagine it—feel it as it steals from your body. You feel it drain your soul with every beat of your heart and you want to tear it from your body so bad, you can taste it. And then…a voice from the back of your head reminds you it's alive and you hesitate, but another voice reminds you of the horrible memories associated with that parasite—that__** thing**__. And in midst of those memories, you realize it's a part of you, and it is that fact that you mourn for._

_._

_._

_._

Sakura woke up to the sun in her eyes and rose her hand up to shield them from the glare. It was morning, early morning judging from the amount of light filtering through her window, and she fell back against her pillows with a contented sigh. She had forgotten how good it was to be in a comfy bed. Especially since she had been pulling double shifts at the hospital and spent the better part of the week sleeping with textbooks wedged into her back and front. She had forgotten how much it hurt to sleep in awkward positions.

Stretching her back, hearing the joints pop in her spine and feeling the tension in her back melt away, she sighed in pleasure just in time to hear a tap on her window.

"Sakura."

She looked up, watching as the person standing on the small balcony outside her window unlatched the lock and opened the barrier to pop their head inside. "Meeting with Tsunade-hime. She said it was urgent."

Sakura nodded in response and the speaker continued. "Should I wait for you or go ahead?"

"Um…wait for me. I'll be just a few minutes."

And they nodded before leaping the 18 feet from her window to the ground as she rushed into the shower and changed into her clothing, the red vest and tan skirt outfit she wore when she was fifteen.

She stood by the window, watching the white curtains billow in the breeze as she debated leaving through the window or walking out the door before deciding on the latter since she was starting to ache all over her body. She had no idea what was wrong. It was probably something minor, but it was better to be safe than sorry, she told herself as she finished the bun she put her hair into.

Closing the window and locking the door behind her as she left, she climbed down the stairs before meeting up with her companion. "Sorry for being late, Kakashi," she said as she completed the knot on her hitai-ate at the base of her neck.

"No problem," he replied as he walked towards their destination, Sakura falling into step beside him as the sounds of suburbia surrounded them; the laughter of children, the squeaky wheel of the bicycle that belonged to the little boy on the corner, the birds twittering in the conifer tree in the backyard of Ishibashi-san, and the sound of the woman watering her lilacs in the front yard tickled their ears as the sunlight kissed their cheeks and the wind ruffled their hair. Sakura looked up.

"Why do you think she called this meeting?"

"I don't know, but she sounded urgent on the phone."

"It must be urgent if she called instead of sending Izumo or Kotetsu," Sakura commented.

"Then we have no need to hurry," Kakashi said with a teasing smile, flinching as Sakura lightly punched his shoulder in warning before rubbing the sore spot and laughing good-naturedly with her.

Sakura smiled at the moment they were sharing as a warm glow touched something inside of her. It was something to be treasured; something she wanted to put into a jar or a box and look upon it from time to time to relive this feeling of bliss. Simplicity was a rarity nowadays, ever since _it_ happened, but happiness was starting to weave its way back into her life and for that, she was glad.

She glanced up at the man with his head slightly down and back slouched as he walked with purpose and she giggled quietly to herself at the paradox that he exuded and she created for herself. It was nice to see him like she remembered. Before, she'd see him with his back straight, hands folded politely in his lap and legs tucked neatly underneath him if he was sitting on the floor or flat on the ground if in a chair. The memory frightened her a bit, seeing Kakashi like that puzzled her, and people fear that which is unknown. It was so bizarre to see him so proper. Not in Tsunade's presence or even the council's presence had he acted so proper. He was running on autopilot, like every action had been planned by someone else and every word had been scripted. She even remembered an urge to shout that he was an imposter because the Kakashi she remembered was never so cold.

She closed her eyes, soaking in the sun and the sounds of the bustling people around her when she felt herself slip into a memory. It was from three weeks ago, when he first came to her. She remembered it because it was raining that day and the weather forecasts mention nothing about the sudden storm. She had heard repeated knocking on her door and set down her tea and book before answering it. When she opened the door, she was surprised to see Kakashi there. Immediately, she became worried and quickly scanned him over for any injuries, just like she used to when he came knocking at her door or on her window at odd hours for a medic's touch. Old habits die hard, she mused.

As soon as she gently placed her hand on his shoulder, he turned to her, and she would never forget the look in his eyes. He looked sad, guilt-ridden, lost, and…tired—like he was so exhausted by living. He opened his mouth to speak, but his hands shook nervously. He tried again, but before he could say anything, she said she was going to get him some tea—bide him time. After all, words were a hard thing to produce.

After a few minutes, she set down two identical cups of tea. He thanked her for her politeness, but didn't touch it, and she noticed that his hands weren't shaking anymore before turning her full attention at him. He sighed.

"_I want you to help me."_

_Sakura blinked, jaw hanging slightly open. "I'm sorry?"_

"_I want you to help me," he repeated. His eyes held the same determination, but his tone slightly more nervous than before. Watching her staring at him like a deer caught in headlights made him have second thoughts. Was he in the right to ask this? She had told him that he could come to her with anything, but could she have known he would have asked this? That he would ask for her counsel?_

_A laugh echoed in the hollows of his mind as he realized the irony of the situation. A rapist asking__ for help from his victim. He couldn't help the bemused smirk that crossed his lips._

_Pushing away traitorous thoughts, he let his eyes scan her living room. White walls, a wooden coffee table, a worn leather couch, a television, and an end table with what looked to be a beige lamp shade. A stack of magazines were placed atop her coffee table and a scroll spilled over the side to pool over itself on her carpeted floors. All in all, it was a nice living room—larger than his, but surprisingly empty. Her voice rang in his ear._

"…_why me?" she asked softly, her eyes searching his for answers. He didn't dare raise his head. _

"_I don't know," he answered truthfully, regretting that fact. Why was he asking her?_

'_Because you were there. Because you won't look at me like I'm some twisted bastard that gets off on this stuff. Because I trust you,'__ a voice rang out in his head causing him to furrow his brows in thought. _

"_Kakashi?" __she asked in a pleading tone and she tilted his chin up, forcing him to look at her. His fingers intertwined in his lap and he felt his eye twitch slightly. Bowing his head, he forced the words out._

"_Because you'll understand…"_

_And as soon as he said those words, he began noticing things. His right leg had been jarring as he mustered up his courage, his hands were planted firmly on his knees, and tears leaked from the corners of his eyes in fat, hot trails. _

_Feelings were rushing a mile a minute through his body, like his body had suddenly gone haywire. It was frightening and wonderful at the same time, and he suddenly launched himself at her. _

_And when he felt her receive him with open arms, hands in his hair and holding him to her like a mother comforting her child, he felt so relieved. _

_As he continued to cry, __incoherent ramblings spilling forth from his mouth, muffled by his mask, he realized he was never more grateful for the touch of another human being._

The days following from there were spent at her house. He would meet her everyday for breakfast or lunch and they'd talk for a few hours. They always started small, mundane things like recipes and how Pakkun was doing. After that, she'd leave the subjects to him. Whatever he wanted, she would listen to.

It was…awkward baring his soul. The things he told her were the things he never told anyone, the things he wouldn't even admit to himself, like how similar he was to his father that it scared him. How in retrospective, he felt ashamed of shunning the man that had raised him. He had even told her of a memory between him and his family. It was Christmas Eve, and he was only five-years-old. His mother was setting up a small plastic Christmas tree, putting on last minute decorations and placing it on the table when his father barged into the living room covered in blood and looking like hell and his mother had screamed at him before batting him with the broom she grabbed from the kitchen.

It had seemed so trivial back then, a Christmas spent opening presents with snowman-wrapping paper covered in smudged fingerprints painted in blood and picking straw from his father's hair, but now, he found it hilarious. When he told her, he just couldn't stop laughing at the memory of his mother's face that tears came to his eyes. It was just so funny! And yet, in the midst of the laughter, he was saddened to know another Christmas like that one would never take place. His mother died of leukemia the following year and all he could remember from that year was staring at his mother's grave as snow drifted gently to the ground.

The recovery seemed to become easier after that. Sharing private pieces of his life made it easier, and then, he reached the thing he wanted to talk to her about. The rape.

When he initially brought it up, the first thing he noticed was the fact that her spine had snapped straight. A slight sheen of sweat coated her forehead and fear flickered over her eyes constantly. He had hesitated, swallowed loud enough to be heard, but pressed on. This was something he had to face. They both did.

"_So…" _

_And then he paused. Despite the urgency of this, he wondered how you would bring up something like rape.__ 'Hi, I raped you and I'm sorry?' Things didn't work like that. If they did, the judicial system would've never been invented and there would be no need for shinobi like him. He tried starting again._

"_I—"_

"_What happened?" And he looked up, startled by the interruption and shook his head as if he disbelieved the moment. "What?"_

"_What happened, Kakashi? I only heard what your side of the story from other people, but I want to hear it from you. So…what happened?"_

_Surprised by her bluntness, he couldn't say that it hadn't made it easier since he had a place to start from._

"_Well, I don't know really. I'm still trying to figure that out myself," he said chuckling nervously before seeing the stern look on her face. "But! But…it started a few hours after I sent Pakkun__ off for reinforcements."_

"_I remember that."_

"_Yeah. You were still fighting those guys from before."_

"_Which ones?"_

"_The one with the tattoo and the fat one."_

"_I remember."_

"_Anyway, I finished off my opponents when I saw the last one from the group that attacked us. It was Isao."_

_Sakura stayed quiet for this._

"_He…we started fighting. Even though I had my Sharingan, my energy was low, so while he hid in the trees, I tried to rest up. He started telling me about his home life and I thought I could get him while he was distracted, but he got me. I was so busy trying to conserve energy that I got careless. Damn it, I let my guard down," he cursed, slamming his fist into the armrest. His hand clenched and unclenched constantly. Sakura just sat quietly and listened._

"_When we were falling from the tree, he hit me with a jutsu, specially designed to combat me and my Sharingan. When we landed, I got knocked out, but when I came to…I don't know…it was like I was in another dimension. It was sort of like the Mangekyou, but it was different. It was black and there was some sort of circle at my feet covered in writing and lines and I was bound to a glowing pentagram, and when I looked up, I was looking out a giant circle. _

"_It was so surreal, like watching a movie or looking at something from a window. You're seeing things that you aren't a part of, and what I saw was the forest…and you__…_

"_A little after I came to, Isao started talking to me. He told me that he was going to make my life a living hell and wish that I'd just died, and he was right. He took control of my body and used me to rape you, Sakura."_

And she let him talk from there, about how he forced him out of his body, and how sorry he was, and other things until he could barely keep his eyes open.

That night, Sakura let him sleep on her couch. She took off his headband and helped put his legs up, and smiled beside herself at the man who lay sprawled across her couch. It seemed so queer because at full height, his limbs were dangling off the sides.

Looking at him, she couldn't help that her smile grew. She was so happy he told her. She was flattered that her dispelling of Ino's jutsu helped Kakashi, but that didn't have anything to do with the joy in her heart. She was so happy because of the fact that he could look her in the eye and tell her his side of the story meant that he was recovering, and what more could she ask for?

And yet, despite all that, all she could think of when she tucked the man in was how cute he looked asleep on her couch.

* * *

When Kakashi and Sakura walked into the Hokage's office, they knew not to expect bright faces, but when they entered the room, it felt like someone drained the life out of the room. Naruto was fidgeting where he stood, and Sasuke's eyes were flitting around constantly, a nervous habit of his, but what really worried them was the fact that not only was Shizune in the room, Tsunade was sober.

"Since you've finally decided to show up. Shizune, could you get the door? I don't want any interruptions," Tsunade said as she laced her fingers together under her chin, only letting her gaze stray to the door before letting it rest on the four before her. She let out a sigh. It was going to be hell to tell them—heck, even she still had trouble believing it, but…the tests hadn't been wrong. She had done them herself.

"Shishou? Is something the matter?" Sakura asked, hesitantly stepping forward. When the older woman trained her gaze on her, Sakura felt her throat close up. There was something foreboding about the way she was looking at her. What was going on?

"Shishou…"

"Sit down, everyone."

Surprisingly, they all did what they were told. Even Hatake listened. Idly, she wondered how else could she illicit such an atmosphere that could command such obedience before an urge to slap herself made itself known. Even if she was looking for distractions, that was a despicable thought. She would need a drink later.

Closing her eyes, she wondered how she would tell them. As much as she didn't to tell them—even she didn't want to know—it would eventually be known. That she could be certain.

In the silence, she realized she could hear everything, the gentle drumming of Sasuke's fingers on his thigh, the muffled exhales that came from Kakashi, and the splintering of the wooden chair from under Naruto's fingertips. Sakura was surprisingly calm, but that wouldn't last long and she wondered how her former apprentice would react. She exhaled. Naruto growled.

"Augh! I can't take this any longer! Baa-chan, stop setting up this stupid ominous aura and tell us whatever you called us in for."

And it was when Tsunade did not acknowledge her hated nickname with a beating or a smile that Naruto realized how serious it was. He shook slightly in his chair, and from the corner of his eyes, Sasuke's knuckles turned white in his lap. Tsunade sighed softly.

"There is no easy way to tell you this," she began and Sakura's eyes immediately left the floor to rest on her former mentor's face.

"Shishou?" she asked nervously.

"Sakura…_you're pregnant."_


	13. Death Before Dishonor

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_had I known how to save a life_

_-How to Save a Life by The Fray_

* * *

Shadows shifted over the walls. In the muted light filtering through the clouds and windows, the room was grey and the shadows were hues of blues and blacks and inside his home, he could hear a faint pitter-patter signaling the beginning of rain.

"_Sakura, you're pregnant."_

And he openly flinched at the words. His fingers tensed and his teeth gnashed together. Briefly, he imagined the thought of the veins in his hands bulging under his skin as the shadows shifted over the walls and he was lost in a sea of words.

_Flashback_

"_Sakura…you're pregnant."_

_A chair clattered on the floor. "You're kidding, right?" _

_And Tsunade let her gaze wander coolly over the faces staring before her. Sasuke was staring into his lap. Through the tendrils of hair shadowing his eyes, she could see the shocked horror in his eyes as a bead of sweat ran down his face. The hands gripped his seat were white at the knuckles as well. _

_Letting her amber eyes skate to the brooding male's left, she let her gaze stray to the wooden chair laying on its side on the floor before bringing her eyes forward to leg of the standing blond__e. From the slight quaver of his body, she knew he was having trouble believing this. Any minute now, his legs would give out from under him and he'd fall to his knees and she reminded herself to ask Shizune to give Naruto some tea to calm him down later. To his left, she saw Sakura staring at her lap, hands fisted on her knees as she absorbed the information while Kakashi's expression was unreadable. If not for the two hours she had spent preparing for this meeting, she would've been the same. Naruto's quavering voice filled the room once more._

"_Baa-chan, you're kidding. This is a joke, right? Right—?"_

"_How long?" Sakura whispered, refusing to meet her master's eyes. Tsunade let out a quiet sigh._

"_Ten weeks,__" she said as she gauged Kakashi's reactions out of the corner of her eyes. Sweat was starting to form on his brow._

"_And the baby?"_

"_We don'__t know. We have to check."_

_And then Kakashi couldn't take it anymore, escaping through the window into the open air._

_End flashback_

That was five days ago. In those five days, he hadn't eaten or slept. He could barely bring himself to look in the mirror. Around his apartment, glass shards littered the floor, all fragments of mirrors he punched out. Only the windows were still intact.

Kakashi stared at the backs of his hands, pulling back the white bandages to look at the wounds scabbing over. Though he'd had worse, the wounds were infected and it hurt to put pressure on his hands because of the pieces of glass that were still imbedded. He'd need another round of antibiotics, another segment of a lifetime spent popping pills into his mouth and swallowing water, but it didn't really matter. Not after today, anyway. He stared at the kunai knife clasped in his hands.

It was something that started the day he found out. When he got home, he went into the bathroom. Sweat was pouring down his body so he walked over to the sink and let the water run. Dipping his hands into the basin, he brought the water to his face and let out a hiss at the difference in temperature before looking at the mirror. There, he looked at his reflection. His skin was still unhealthily pale, but better since he started eating again. Other than that and the long scar over his Sharingan eye, he looked like everyone else, just another guy on the street, but he kept staring, watching the mirror image blink with him and stare back at him as if trying to look underneath the underneath of what he was. A feeling of rage and absolute loathing welled up inside him and when he finally regained consciousness of himself, pieces of the mirror were still falling into the sink and blood was running down his hands.

At first, he thought it was a fluke, an outburst of emotion he was in the right to have. He thought it would never happen again, and so he began to pick out the shards from the sink basin and all was normal until the next morning when he threw the small handheld mirror against the wall that he realized he was disgusted with himself and it wasn't going to stop.

It was when he began picking up the larger shards of glass the third day that he realized that he was beyond saving. He had raped a former student and gotten her pregnant, he could not walk through the streets without being heckled by someone, his name was as good as gone, and he just didn't care anymore. He just didn't care, and so, with nothing left, he was just as good as dead, so why not do it? The question was how.

Poison wouldn't work. Not only because he had no real quick access to poisons, he had no idea how long it would take. Strangulation was also out of the question, not only because hanging oneself was cliché, it was just stupid. It was at that time that he noticed the broken sword resting in his closet that he remembered his father. His father had committed seppuku, the ritual suicide meant to purify and purge one of their shame and disgrace. He remembered the aftermath quite clearly, even after so many years had passed. After all, how could you forget seeing the corpse of your father?

* * *

It had been a rainy day when it happened. He had just come home from the academy and had taken shelter in the overhang of the engawa. Rain was dripping off of him since he hadn't brought an umbrella that day and he slid open the screen door leading to the kitchen and asked if there was anyone there. There never was, never had been since his mother passed away, but it was a hard habit to break. He began cooking dinner.

When he was cooking that day, he remembered cutting himself with the kitchen knife and whispering something angry that would have upset his mother had she been alive. Placing his chubby finger to his mouth, he cleaned the blood off before climbing off the stool he used to access the counter and placed the food on the tray before going to his father.

Kakashi had been fairly young when his father began sinking into depression. At first, he thought his father had a cold and just needed rest, but because he was smarter than the average Academy student, he eventually figured it out. He wasn't like himself after that mission. After that mission, his father never wanted to come train with him. Instead, all he did was drink, cry, and stay in his room. He was like a ghost.

On that day, he remembered carrying the tray in his small hands, teetering side-to-side slightly since his four-yr-old body wasn't built to carry something that heavy, and checked his father's room only to find it empty with the window open and rain drenching the books and the photo frame of his mother that lay there. He stayed long enough to only clamber onto a chair and shut the window before going to scour the rest of the house.

It was exactly an hour and 58 minutes later that he reached the meditation room on the other side of their large house, the only room in the house that he hadn't searched. It was an unspoken rule in the house that no one could eat in the room. It was also a rule that when the room was in use, you did not disturb them, but Kakashi wasn't sure his father had eaten that day. Ever since the mission, he was always worried about leaving his father for school because he couldn't count on his father eating by himself anymore. He knocked on the door before sliding it open.

"Father?" he had asked in that high childish voice of his with his head down to feel the smooth reeds beneath his feet. It had struck him as odd since the room had fallen into disuse after his father's mission and the tatami mats looked as though they were cleaned recently. He called out to his father once more.

"Father?"

And it was then that he noticed the strange discoloration on the tatami mats. A dark color marred the beige reeds and a strong sharp smell permeated in the air. Briefly, he wondered what it was, and it was in the flickering light of the dying candle flames and the lightening that streaked across the sky that he realized it was blood. A crash was heard and the smell of miso soon filled the room as well.

The sound of footsteps was imprinted firmly in his mind from that moment. Small hurried footsteps that were distinctly his echoed in the room as the sticky feeling of squished rice grains mingled with the blood on his heels. His tiny chest heaving, he knelt down, struggling to push his father's hunched body up as he felt blood from the mats seep into his clothing. Somehow, he managed to move the body and he noticed his father's eyes were milky; hands firmly grasped on the hilt of the tanto resting in his abdomen. As his eyes locked onto the amount of blood staining the white kimono his father wore, he wondered where his father had kept it since he never saw it in the closet where his mother's wedding kimono was.

A sickening splat was heard and he watched as his father's intestine spilled onto the floor from the large incisions he had made with the tanto. Though the incision itself was impressive—it had spanned from his right to his left with another going up and down—the pain itself was probably unbearable. Though facing that pain was probably how the person regained their honor, it wasn't only that that had purged his father's shame. It was the fact that no kaishakunin had been present. No person had been there with a sword ready to end his father's suffering in an instant. Instead, his father's face bore a quiet dignity that was surprisingly fitting of him. He had forgotten such calmness on his father's face after the mission. All he remembered was rough grey stubble and deep frown marks, but now it was no longer so. His father was free, and it was something that he had been happy about at the time.

As the warm wonder that encased him as he celebrated his father's liberation from hell, something cold slithered up his skin. It started in the area around him, the air suddenly colder and his socks no longer keeping his small feet warm. It began moving steadily upwards after that, inching its way across his pale skin and small limbs before penetrating his body and lancing his heart with an icy grip. That was how he remembered how eerily similar his father's face was to his and he realized that he might look like that when he was older. He had never thought of it before as an Academy student, dying a horrible, gruesome death in a desolate area with no one the wiser until they came upon the wreckage, but upon seeing his father's corpse, the idea became implanted in his head.

His charcoal eyes had slid slowly back to his father's face, having moved when he was deep in thought, but as soon as he locked eyes with his father's milky gaze, he realized he was looking into the future. He was staring at death, and his screams of terror echoed in the meditation room as he scrambled to get away, running as fast as he could on his stubby legs. Lightening flashed in the sky and briefly, he looked up distractedly. Suddenly, cold wetness seeped into his socks and his feet lost touch with his ground, suddenly sending him into the air and into a cluster of rocks. It was there in the gardens that he lost consciousness, cold rain seeping into his skin as lightening mixed with the stars before his eyes and the faint sound of Minato-sensei's footsteps echoed in the compound.

* * *

Kakashi raised his hand to touch an area hidden by his hair. When he hit the rock, he had gained a large gash. If his sensei hadn't have found him, he would've bled to death. No one walked the streets near the Hatake compound. They had been ostracized by the villagers, and no one would've missed him, but his sensei and maybe Jiraiya. Looking back, he wished that Minato hadn't have found him, if only to prevent the events that had taken place these few weeks. His hand shook and he turned his attention back to the heavy weight resting in his palm.

The kunai knife was nothing special. It was standard-issue and the bandages wrapped around the handle were soft, worn by age and use. In seppuku tradition, a tanto or wakizashi would be used, but looking back on it, his father didn't exactly follow seppuku tradition as he did juumonji-giri, but he was getting ahead of himself. What he was doing wasn't seppuku or juumonji-giri. No amount of bloodshed would fully purge him of his shame. It was why he was going to take the womanly way out by slitting his wrists. Slitting your wrists was considered to be a woman's suicide and he felt shame bear down upon his shoulders. Normally, he wouldn't care about the characteristics assigned to gender roles, but he did care. He seemed to be doing that a lot recently.

Shallow breaths echoed in his ear. Beneath his skin, his tendons stretched taut. He would have to slice past it to reach the arteries. Briefly, he thought about the mess he would make and wondered if he should do it in the bathroom instead of the living room where he had originally planned to do it, only to cast aside the idea. He was shaking now and he was sure if he moved his legs at all, he would throw up.

'_Besides, if I do make a mess, it's just another thing I've screwed up in my life._'

And with that thought, he unwound the bandages from his hands and poised his wrist, feeling the muscles of his chest shift under his skin one more time as the kunai knife hung above his arm as the clock ticked away in its monotone voice and a slight buzzing rang in his ears.

* * *

Birds chirped; their black shadows stark against the grey sky as they moved aimlessly in the air they flew upon. Despite it being May, Konoha's normally temperate weather was nowhere to be seen, but it did nothing to disturb the goings of its citizens, one of them in particular. She had just brought a jacket.

Sakura strolled peacefully through the quiet streets of the older neighborhood, listening to the small echo of her footsteps as she walked. Though unusual, it was not unheard of for this part of the city to be empty. Many of its residents were known to be reclusive, and briefly, she giggled at thought realizing Kakashi must be right at home in this neighborhood.

A breeze crossed her path and unconsciously, she draped her hand across her stomach before looking down at the slight curve of her stomach. It was strange to think something living was developing inside. Though she had seen countless films and read books on the topic of pregnancy, she never really expected it to happen to her, despite her dreams of helping Sasuke restore his clan. In fact, she didn't seem much like a motherly type. Thinking about her violent tendencies, she couldn't help but be afraid for any child that crossed her path on a bad day, which lead to the question of why she was keeping this baby. Gently, she placed her hand over her stomach.

When Tsunade had first told her she was pregnant, she couldn't believe it. At that moment, everything seemed to fade to black, leaving her alone to think 'why me?' It was all she could do, asking Kami why he had blighted her with such a curse. She had suffered enough, hadn't she? At a young age, she had stained her innocence with the blood of others. The boy she had loved was ripped from her hands, and her selfishness had almost caused her the loss of another. Fate had never been kind to her before and the lesson of life never being fair had been ingrained into her soul, but of all things, why that?

Her mind had begun spinning as she kept her eyes on the floor in an attempt to anchor herself in this reality. She had glanced up once or twice to see Tsunade's lips moving, but she hadn't been able to hear anything. She was pregnant. She had been raped and she was _pregnant._

Her first thought was to plunge her hands into her stomach and tear it from her right then and there. It didn't matter that she could've died from blood loss; she just had to get it out of her. All that mattered was that she had to get that thing out of her. Her body still felt the sensations, her mind still carried the scars; she did not need a constant reminder of it, especially in the guise of something as innocent as a child.

Even if she did keep it, how would she be able to stand being with it? Knowing that a product of such a vile moment in her life was alive drove her wild. Even if she put it up for adoption, knowing it was breathing the same air as her, alive and happy as she suffered made her stomach turn.

At the time, she had turned her gaze to her own body, menacing terror at the form inside her body mounting alongside a sickening realization and loathing that even as she thought these things, it was still growing inside her. It was the first time she hated something with all her being.

With those thoughts in her mind, she felt empowered, sure of her choice and ready to terminate this "child," but when Tsunade asked her what her choice was, she found herself hesitating. It was perfectly legal since it had yet to grow a heart and could not be considered as anything more than a parasite and it was perfectly understandable for someone in her position, so why was she hesitating?

It was at that moment that a memory of Kurenai's pregnancy entered her mind. In that memory was the image of her son, crying and screaming as it was brought from the warmth and safety of its mother's womb, cleaned, and brought to his joyous mother's arms. It had been a tender moment. That child was all Kurenai had left of Asuma, and the look of pure joy and thankfulness was something Sakura would carry with for all her life, but why of all times did it decide to make itself known once more? Then she realized something. It was _hers._

The thought stunned her enough to retake her seat in the small, cramped office. Despite how much she hated it, she was still its mother and even if it wasn't alive now, it would be if given a chance. Slowly, realizations began occurring to her. Though she was a jounin, she was a medic first—a healer. She saved lives. Even if being a jounin meant killing people, she didn't decide their fate, the client did, but now that she was given a chance, she realized it wasn't as simple as good versus evil. The fetus inside her had done nothing wrong. It was just conceived by forces beyond its control. Despite her earlier misgivings, this child was truly innocent, and from her hatred, love was born.

When she told Tsunade her decision, she had tried to sway her, saying she was being too hasty, that it would take time, but Sakura said she had taken the time. The blonde woman then gave her statistics, saying it wasn't uncommon for termination of the fetus in these cases, but Sakura politely refused. When it became glaringly evident that Sakura had put her foot down on the matter, Tsunade stared at her flatly and asked if she realized what she was getting into. Sakura merely nodded, saying that come whatever may, she would raise this child and was met with silence before Tsunade handed her a slip of paper stating the date of her prenatal exam and booted her out of the office stating gruffly that if she needed anything, she needn't hesitate to ask.

To say Sakura had been shocked was an understatement, but it was nothing compared to how Naruto reacted. Sasuke had been surprisingly calm, and she made the two of them promise to keep a tight lip. Sasuke had commented that she wouldn't be able to keep it a secret forever, to which she admitted regretfully that she knew. Though she knew that she wouldn't be able to hide it from the disapproving glares and whispers of the village for long, she wished she could so her child could grow up with a world without whispers floating around it. All she could do was hold them to silence until she told Kakashi. He was the father, after all.

"I wonder how he'll react," she whispered as she smiled to her stomach. She was a bit disappointed that she couldn't even diagnose her own pregnancy, thinking it was only the flu, but those thoughts quickly left her mind as she threw up from morning sickness. At least her appetite was returning. She'd have to start gaining weight like her doctor told her, and suddenly all the things her doctor had told her began racing through her mind. Even if she already knew most of those things, having to experience them was starting to make her head spin and her hand unconsciously flew once more to her stomach and she smiled. Despite all of the hassle of pregnancy, it would be worth it to give birth to a healthy baby.

At the thought of the baby, a smile graced her lips before she shook her head. She was getting ahead of herself. She still hadn't told Kakashi, and as soon as she thought of him, her heart skipped a beat. In fact, it skipped a few beats and had been for the last few weeks whenever she thought of him. Though the feeling wasn't entirely unpleasant, it was a bit unnerving. Was she regressing?

But she quickly rid herself of such thoughts as she approached his apartment building. She had to be level-headed for this. Though Kakashi had made remarkable process, the news of the pregnancy had shaken him. She could only imagine his reaction when she told him she decided to keep it. Though she wanted him to at least see the baby once it was born, what he did was his decision and therefore, beyond her control, and no amount of praying would change that. Especially since her prayers seemed to always go unheard. A low rumble shook the skies.

"Huh?" she asked softly, turning her head to the world outside the overhang to see the sky had darkened and small dark stains had begun appearing on the ground.

'_Rain?'_ she questioned before knocking once more. At the silence she received, a tinge of worry made itself known and she reached for the doorknob. Surprisingly, the door was open and as she watched the door open to the living room, she saw something that made her blood run cold.

* * *

Kakashi stared at his wrist as the kunai knife lay poised above his arm. For this, he decided one vertical stroke would be good enough, but as soon as he moved the knife closer to his skin, he heard the door creak open and looked up to see shocked beryl eyes staring into his. A breeze entered the room past her trembling body and as lightening flashed against the wall of the opposite building, he realized he should've put on a shirt. Sakura's voice shook as she spoke.

"Wha-what are you doing?"

And at the stunned look in her eyes, he found himself no longer able to face her. He returned his attention to the wrist.

"I'm going to end it," he said in a bare whisper, and despite the boom of thunder, she heard his words clear as day.

"Why?" she whispered. He gave a hollow laugh in return.

"After all that's happened, you're asking me that?" he said a darkly amused smile on his face before he began picking up where he left off, placing the weapon against his skin and feeling the slight pricks of the blade edge on his skin. Now that she was here, he could only hope not too much blood would get on her. It would be foolish to hope that none would be on her since he was cutting into arteries, but he hoped it wouldn't be too much otherwise it would ruin the lovely floral print on her white dress, and Kami knew how hard blood stains were to remove. He angled the knife. She gripped his arm and threw it away. When had she gotten so close? He felt his shoulders tense slightly.

"What are you doing?"

"Stopping you from making one of the worst mistakes of your life," she replied as tears stung her eyes. Kakashi was an idiot.

"How is it a mistake? And if I'm not mistaken, it's my life. You wouldn't know what's good or bad for me," he said as he bent down to pick up the knife. Sakura immediately slapped it away and he looked at her, glared at her challengingly as he picked it once more, only for her to slap it away again. A thud echoed down the hallway.

"I'm getting tired of this cat and mouse game. Just tell me why you're here."

His breath tickled her skin and his eyes glinted in the dim light offered by the open door. Power exuded from him and his grip on her wrists tightened, not painful, but telling her he was running out of patience. Looking over his shoulder, another flash of lightening streaked the sky, causing shadows to dance on the neighboring buildings. Her eyes focused on the world outside.

"I came to stop you."

"No one knew I was going to do this and you're certainly not wearing the kind of attire someone would for stopping a suicide attempt," he mused.

"It doesn't matter."

At her adamant tone, his fist connected with the wall by her ear, causing her hair to shift with the small gust. A warning.

"It does matter. Why are you doing this?"

And she honestly didn't know. Why was she doing this? She was just coming over here to tell him she was keeping the baby. When had it become a rescue situation?

"B-because."

"Because why?"

"Because."

"Sakura, I'm doing you a favor. You're better off without me. The entire village is better off without me," he admitted as he pushed off the wall and cast his gaze to the side, hanging his head in shame as grey light and dark shadows continued to ghost over his body. The atmosphere was no longer as rushed and tense as it was before and in place of the agitation, a sullen air took its place. Above her head, the clock ticked.

"That's not true. You're one of the best shinobi to ever come out of Konoha!"

"And what? Sakura, there will always be someone better. Titles come and go, but I only have one life. It's better that I end it now than live the rest of it out in shame." A tired sigh escaped his lips as he bent down to pick up the wayward kunai once more and placed it to his skin. "You should probably…"

And suddenly, the world became still. Shadows continued ghosting over his skin with every flash of lightening; the thunder roared in the sky, enveloped in its own symphony with every diminuendo and crescendo punctuated by white, hot light. Closing his eyes, he felt his cheek warm through his mask as light flashed while the other felt strangely cool in the shadows. His voice faltered.

"Why…?"

"Why what?" she whispered against his back as she held in. The embrace was eerily familiar and her mind was transported to her genin days where she pleaded with Sasuke to stop. He left soon after that. Would she lose Kakashi also?

"Why do you care so much?" he asked softly. There was a pain in his voice she wasn't accustomed to hearing. Looking back, she didn't believe she ever heard anything like it. It was low and mournful like the melody of a sad song. It made her want to cry. She ended up doing just that.

"Because," she replied like a petulant child as she strengthened her hold. Her fingertips were ghosting over his collarbone and her nails were probably leaving small scratches. She'd have to fix them later.

"Because? That doesn't give me much to go on," he stated as he lifted his head to gaze directly in front of him, watching as the shadow of a lampshade stretched across his grey-tinted walls. Briefly, he wondered when the rain would stop.

"What more do you need?"

"I don't know. I shouldn't need more. I'm a horrible selfish man. I don't have the right to want more."

"You do, Kakashi. You do," she pleaded. He could feel her tears leave small hot trails down his back as they rolled over his scars and dipped into his spine. Her hands clung shamelessly to him as if he would melt away if she didn't and he could feel her tiny frame shake against him.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you care so much?" And he felt her lift her head from his back and he found himself missing the weight and the warmth it brought him. He heard her sniffle and could imagine her face as she looked up at him, whatever little there was to look at. Her eyelashes brushed against him as she blinked.

"I'm sorry?"

"Why do you care so much?" he repeated, this time facing her. "Why is it that you care whether I die or not? Everyone else doesn't care; they think it'd be better if I wasn't here. I certainly do, and you certainly have the right to wish me dead, so why…why do you care if I'm here or not?"

His tone was stronger now and his hands gripped her shoulders as he searched her eyes, her face, anything that would give him a clue, but she was just as lost as he was as she stared up at him with large eyes that beheld nothing but his own face. He sighed and picked up the kunai from where he placed it, moving a few steps away from her to shield her as best he could from the imminent fountain of blood. "Guess this is goodbye, Sakura-chan."

And she watched as his arm moved and in the flash of another lightening bolt, the knife gleamed in his hands. Running towards him, she once again began their merry-go-round and held him in her grasp. He felt her body tremble against him and sighed tiredly as he stared past the knife to the ground. His hand was hurting again.

"Why do you want me to stop? It shouldn't matter to you so much whether I live or die, so why do you want me to live so badly?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Just because."

"_Because why?" _

She flinched at his sharp tone and his muscles tensed wherever she touched. His grip on the kunai handle was knuckle-white and when she saw him raise the knife above his wrist, she felt terror grip her heart.

"_Because I love you!"_

At those words, she felt Kakashi draw away from her and she let him slip from her fingers as she drew away on unsteady legs. When she finally stopped, her hands trembled and when she looked up, she saw the silver-haired man stare at her in astonishment.

"Kakashi…"

"I'm sorry, but did I just hear you say that you loved me?"

But Sakura didn't answer, mind still swimming from her outburst. Was that what it was? Did she love Kakashi? Inwardly, she chuckled at the absurdity of the idea. Not only had she known the man for years, he was her former teacher. The one time Ino had insinuated how hot a relationship between her friend and her sensei would be, she decked the girl into the streets from their café booth, but they had been seventeen then, and in the years since the return of Naruto, she had begun to interact with the silver-haired man, but it had been purely platonic. He wasn't the love of her life; he was just (for lack of better words) there. Even when she made jounin two years ago and became his compatriot, she had felt nothing but the same caring and compassion she did all her boys. She would give her life for any of them, so why did it suddenly feel like cheating to say she loved him like the other two members of the original Team 7. What changed?

It suddenly dawned on her that they all did. The lines in the sand were clearer now than ever. Sasuke would only be a brother to her, Naruto would only be her male best friend, but Kakashi had outgrown those boundaries the day he came to her on that rainy day and poured his soul out to her. She learned everything about him from those visits. His strengths, his weaknesses, the things that made him Hatake Kakashi. The fact he trusted her with his thoughts when he trusted no one was endearing. It made her feel…special.

"I…love you," she whispered into her upturned hands with wonderment as tears streamed down her face. It was a wonderful and frightening realization and though she was no longer trembling, she wasn't sure she could stand on her feet any longer. Elation shadowed by sheer terror was the only way she could think of describing it, and she turned her eyes to Kakashi only to see him turn away.

"Leave."

His answered startled her. "What?"

"Leave."

"But Kakashi, I—"

"You're crazy," he muttered under his breath as he raked a hand through his hair before glancing over his shoulder to see her still staring at him with wide doe eyes that made him feel absolutely disgusted at that moment; at both him and her. "Why are you still here? I told you to go," he snapped.

"But I love you, Kakashi."

And despite the softness of her voice, he could hear the determination in her voice and it made him want to rip out his hair in frustration. "No Sakura, you only think you love me."

"I only think I love you?"

"Yes," he answered as if it was the simplest damn thing in the world and she felt her temper flare slightly at his condescending tone. She could feel her brows knit, but she held her anger and bit back the callous words on her tongue. The first time she lost someone, it was because she was foolish and went with whatever impulsive idea she thought would get Sasuke to stay. She wasn't going to repeat it again. She didn't think her heart could stand it happening a second time.

"How would you know that I'm only imagining my feelings? How would you know that I'm not really in love with you?"

"Because you can't be! Sakura, I _raped_ you. I desecrated your body and you're pregnant. You're pregnant with _my_ child—a child conceived from one of the worst memories of your life. After an experience like that, you can't love me. You only think you do."

"And if I still say that I love you?"

"Then I'd say you've developed some form of Stockholm syndrome. Sakura, no matter what you think or would like to think, you can't love me," he said with a sigh. It was something he truly believed. She could not be in love with him because it wouldn't make sense. It was impossible to think a rape victim would fall in love with her rapist. Such things were the basis of insanity, and as much as he'd like to think that she was just saying that to stop him, he knew Sakura would never throw those words around so carelessly. After Sasuke, she was careful with her heart. At that moment, he only wished she had been more careful.

A slight tickle was felt on his back as arms slid around his mid-section. He gripped the kunai tightly in his fist. "What are you doing?" he whispered.

"I love you, Kakashi. I love you, I love you, I love you," she said calmly as she held him. Even as he struggled weakly in her grasp, telling her that she was being ludicrous and it was all in her mind, she continued to speak those words until he finally gave up and let the kunai knife fall from his hands with a muffled thud in the carpet as he sank to his knees. Tears pricked his eyes and he sank against her side with his head hung in defeat as he wept quietly on her shoulder, Sakura weaving her fingers through his hair and whispering soothing words in his ear.

* * *

**Glossary:**

**Seppuku:** A form of ritual suicide to purge one of shame and restore honor. The person committing the act would be bathed and given white robes to put on. They would be fed their favorite meal and/or sake and were presented with the sword. The sword would be wrapped with white cloth and presented on a wooden tray (no idea what it's called in actuality), and the person would write a death poem before opening their robe and taking the sword, plunging it into their stomach and making the left-to-right incision. At this point, the kaishakunin would cut off the person's head, leaving a bit of flesh so that the head wouldn't roll off and to keep blood spray to a minimum. Though part of bushido, the code samurai follow, people other than the samurai class have committed seppuku such as women and civilians.

**Engawa:** Veranda-like space. Found in traditional Japanese houses.

**Tatami:** Mats made of fibrous plant material. Rooms in Japan are generally measured by how many mats are used to cover the floor.

**Tanto (tantou):** A dagger.

**Wakizashi**: A samurai's short sword.

**Kaishakunin**: Person (usually a well-trusted person or close friend) who is to cut off the head of the person committing seppuku at the first sign of pain (screams, distortion of face) so that the person will still retain their honor from seppuku. Usually a person with knowledge of the sword since it took precision (there are historical accounts where the kaishakunin took more than the one stroke required. One account told of the kaishakunin breaking the person's jaw, one of the strongest bones in the body, then hacking away at the neck before finally slicing off the head).

**Jumonji-giri (juumonji-giri):** A more painful form of seppuku that some samurai chose to do. No kaishakunin would be present and instead of a single slice across the midsection, another incision would be made going up and down. The person was expected to die quietly from blood loss.


	14. Falling Slowly

_And I can't go back_  
_Moods that take me and erase me_  
_And I'm painted black_  
_Well, you have suffered enough_  
_And warred with yourself_  
_It's time that you won…_

_Take this sinking boat and point it home_  
_We've still got time…_  
_Raise your hopeful voice, you had a choice_  
_You've made it now…_  
_Falling slowly sing your melody_  
_I'll sing along…_

_-Falling Slowly by Glen Hasgard and Markéta Irglová_

* * *

Sun shined brightly in the busy streets of Konoha as the people milled about and children played by his feet as he walked. Though his posture was slouched and his hands were stuffed in pockets, his eye was constantly watching out for the small humans scampering without care at his feet. It wasn't out of habit that he did this, but necessity. Kids were never careful about where they were going and the last thing he needed was to accidently step on one.

A scream echoed down the streets, causing Kakashi to halt suddenly. A blur crossed his line of vision and he watched as a young girl laughed gleefully as she ran past him, her friends not far behind. Her hair was done up in braids and judging by her clothes, she was a civilian child. Judging by her stature, the girl couldn't have been older than six.

A pressure on his calf and a sudden squeak made him turn his head as a little boy stared up at him with awe and fear. He could understand why. He must have seemed like a giant among men to the four-yr-old.

Reaching down, he gently patted the boy's back and smiled cheerfully at him. 'Run along,' he seemed to tell the boy and the child seemed to understand, moving around him and running away before stopping and looking back. Kakashi waved his hand, urging him to follow his friends when the boy suddenly wrapped his short arms around his leg and hugged him. Kakashi's eye widened in surprise, but softened as he touched the boy's head. When the boy looked up, he ruffled his hair fondly and then, he was gone, swallowed up by the crowds as Kakashi stared at his hand. It was still warm and he felt his heart suddenly ache. Did he miss the boy already? Kakashi shook his head. He had no right to miss a child that was never his to begin with. It seemed he was getting sentimental with age.

Sighing quietly to himself, he pocketed his hand and began walking once more, but it seemed the farther and farther he walked towards his destination, the more children he saw. Idly, he wondered if some higher power was just fucking with him for a laugh because first of all, he had just gotten sentimental about that kid that hugged him and secondly, because he had a natural aversion to children. You always had to be careful around them; they whined for everything, they always had sticky fingers, and they just wouldn't stop crying! They were like obnoxious clients, but _worse_ because if they liked you, they stuck to you and just wouldn't let go. Sighing, he raked his hand through his hair.

He was lying to himself. He didn't hate children, but he didn't like to be left alone with them. He was always afraid to be left alone with them because he was so sure that he was going to do something that would make them turn out like him and it was a life he didn't want for anybody. He was a jaded, lonely old man and if a kid ever had his life, he'd probably break down and cry. Not because of anything the kid did, but because he'd feel so sorry for the two of them that he just had to cry.

Stopping on the side of the street, he watched the kids play in the streets. Two older children were playing with a soccer ball, one girl in pigtails was blowing bubbles to the delight of a baby in a stroller, and a giggling toddler was walking towards his mother on wobbly legs. Staring upon the scene, he had to wonder if his child would be like any of them. A snort escaped him. 'His child.' Never in a million years had he thought that would happen to him. If anyone, Genma seemed the most likely because with the number of women he slept with, odds were there was at least one Genma Jr. out in the world. Besides, ever since his father died, he had planned to end the Hatake line with just him because he knew just how painful it was to grow up an orphan under his surname, and with his line of work, it was guaranteed that he would die young.

He began walking again, the sounds of pebbles grinding into the dirt beneath him reaching his ears when a picture of that child popped up in his head. Briefly, he entertained the idea of having a child; of sleep-deprived nights, stained clothing, horrible smells, and death wishes throughout the day before putting the child down for bed and thinking it was completely worth it as he gazed at its face.

Finding a fond smile on his lips, he quickly wiped it off. No. He was not going to think of these things. The only reason he was thinking of these things was because Sakura had told him that she was planning on keeping the baby.

When she first told him that she was keeping it, he stared at her like she grew another head before asking the obvious question of 'why?' Why keep it? She simply stated that she just couldn't do it. She just couldn't kill something that hadn't had the chance of living and in that moment, he had never felt more ashamed in his life. Not only because she was keeping something that would always be a glaring reminder of what he had done to her, but because she had told him that with such a fond look in her eyes. She was going to cherish the baby and him because she apparently loved him and he wondered why he could never do anything right. He had screwed up his first time being team leader, lost his first friend as soon as he got him, his own jutsu was always going to be a sore spot for him, and he had raped a teammate only for her to fall in love with him.

When he first heard those words, he had never been more humiliated. He couldn't get Sakura to hate him. He couldn't even do that right and it disgusted Kakashi that she loved him. In the privacy of his own home that night, all he kept thinking about were those words in his head just playing over and over again. The more he heard it, the more it sickened him and the angrier he got until he was seething and sure that the fingers of his clenched fists would tears through the skin and break through the other side. The mere thought that she loved him sickened him and he had never been so disgusted with himself in his life.

Looking around, he realized he was in her neighborhood now. After telling him that she was keeping the baby, she had expressed that she wanted him to see the baby once. Perhaps it was due to shock or maybe obligation, but he had agreed. Looking at it now, the more he thought about the child, the more doubts formed in his mind. It was now at the point where he could barely stand it and it wasn't even born yet.

It was yesterday that she called saying she wanted him to see the baby's room. On the phone, he solemnly agreed, perhaps because of obligation to her once more or the fact that he couldn't stand being in his apartment anymore, but now with his mind swimming in hatred, he had somehow mustered up the courage for him to tell her that as soon as he saw the baby, he wasn't going to see it again. Sure, it was highly stupid of him and it was sure to make Uchiha massacre seem like picking flowers or something else asinine, but that was what he was going to do. If he had to see the baby after that, he wasn't sure what he'd do. Call it cowardly of him, but there was worse else he could do at this moment. And climbing the steps of her building, he rang the doorbell and waited patiently on her doorstep.

* * *

The first thing he noticed stepping into her apartment was that it had a new smell. Before, the air held the smell of paper, ink, and tea, but stepping into her apartment, he found all of it gone. The stacks of paper and ink that were in her living room before were missing and the air was now laced with the sweet smell of vanilla.

"Kakashi, come in," Sakura greeted with a smile and a warmness in her eyes that made his nerves fray. It wasn't her fault—she probably had no idea, anyway—but he just couldn't stand that look. The adoration in her eyes was ill-deserved and images flickered before his eye for just the barest of seconds. Suddenly, the events from the past few weeks had become condensed into the blink of an eye and opening them again, a chill gripped his spine and his throat felt tight. The sooner this was over with, the better.

"Sit down. Oh wait, you're probably busy or maybe you don't want to stand…um…"

"I'll stand," he interrupted, watching as a nervous smile graced her lips and she looked at him with relief.

"Okay," she said half-thankful, but she's also half-disappointed. He could see it in her eyes. He could always tell what she felt by her eyes and a part of him wondered how she hasn't been killed yet.

Movement caught his eyes and turning ever so slightly to glance out of the corners, he saw her resting her hand on her stomach. She didn't even seem to notice that she was doing it, but he noticed because he was Hatake Kakashi and nothing escaped his gaze except for the things that really mattered.

Her stomach was rounded, protruding slightly through the fabric of her dress. It was white like the last time he saw her, except the flowers are blue this time and she was wearing a cardigan. Her hand was pale like the rest of her body and on her long fingers, he saw the faint hints of faded scars. She seemed like a normal woman expecting a child. A ribbon was tied around her waist.

"I'll show you to the baby's room," she said suddenly. At the sudden sound of her voice, Kakashi felt his heart beat out of control. He hadn't expected her to speak out like that, but then again, he hadn't been paying attention at all.

Wordlessly, he followed after his former student, walking behind her as she steered them down a hallway and through a door on the left. Light illuminated the room, causing a soft glow wherever it touched. The walls were a soft baby blue with fabric clouds and yellow ducks. A changing table stood on one side and across from it, fabric sheep leaped across the blue fields. A mobile spun lazily, causing the shadows to ghost over the scene and under that, a crib stood guard.

"What do you think?" she asked walking over to the crib. "Naruto and Sasuke bought it and set it up. When the store owner asked who it was for, they threatened to kill him." She giggled. "I can see it now," she said in a sad, lilting voice as she trailed her hand on the polished wood. Only hazily did he realize that clouds had covered the sky and the light coming through the window was grey, painting the scene melancholy, but what stood out in his mind was something else. There was something about this scene that seemed to fit.

Something about what he saw touched him and suddenly, all thoughts of leaving quickly and telling her that he was abandoning the baby flew from his mind and he was transported to his childhood where his mother told him stories about himself as a baby. His father had just brought his baby crib home. She was six months pregnant and his father was in the living room. 'How the man can remember three scrolls of complex blueprints and formulas and struggle with instructions to put together a crib is beyond me!' his mother asked with wonder as she recounted the story to him, but she had been grateful to him and when it was ready, she had spent hours just staring at it, gliding her hand against the smooth wood as she rested her hand on her stomach. His father entered the room at this point, catching her looking at the crib with a far-off, blissful look on her face, but instead of teasing her like he would've, he held her, placing his hand over hers as he kissed her and rested his head over hers.

He could only imagine how she must have felt staring at that crib. She was having a child with the man she loved. The happiness she must have felt was probably immeasurable and looking at Sakura made Kakashi remember the image he had conjured up in his mind as he recounted the story to himself over and over to keep from forgetting her. His mother had been happy carrying her husband's child and Sakura carried the same content air around her as well.

And suddenly, his body grew a mind of its own, stepping away from the safety of the door's threshold to cross over to the crib's side where Sakura stood. The air around her seemed to just glow with her and sensing his presence, she turned to him. Her eyes looked at him with startling clarity and as if acting out his mother's stories, he leaned down, capturing her chin between his fingers as his gloved hand covered the hand resting on the crib before kissing her. The kiss was loving and sweet and when she opened her eyes, he was gone with the curtains fluttering softly in the breeze.


	15. Beneath You

B: Why…why would you do that?

S: Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't for her _to be hers?_ To be the kind of man who would nev—to be _a kind of man_…And she shall look on him with forgiveness... and everybody will forgive and love…_and he will be loved._ So everything's okay, right? C-can we rest now? Buffy…_can we rest?_

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 7, episode 2: Beneath You

* * *

It was a quiet morning when Kakashi woke up staring at his ceiling. The clock ticked mercilessly and the shadows ghosted endlessly over the walls, covering the room in stretches of darkness broken by grey streaks of light. It was going to be cloudy again.

A sigh escaped his lips as he turned onto his side, shifting without sound as he tried to find some comfort with his conscience about what he had done. He kissed her. He kissed her! What was he thinking? What right did he have to do that after all the damage he had caused? Sure, she loved him, but what excuse was that? If he followed that route, he would never allow himself to raise his head again.

A coward; he was a coward and listening to the slight echo in the room, he realized he had screamed it.

He chuckled. He was going insane, slowly spiraling into madness once more and he relished the thought, laughing to himself strangely because he could, and kept laughing until his sides ached and he was panting heavily into his pillow.

He needed help. That much was a fact, but after the attempts on him before, he had little faith in it. He had little faith in everything really, but that was beside the point. He needed help and was in desperate need of air.

Turning onto his back, he raised his arm up towards the ceilings, gazing at the smooth transition between light and shadow that colored him a muted grey. The scars on his hands gleamed and he stared at his knuckles. They were healing nicely now and his gaze wandered to the antibiotics on his table before suddenly turning back to the ceiling. If he kept his gaze there, he would've seen the antidepressants—the "crazy pills" as he liked to call them because they were a testament that he had gone insane and he hollowly chuckled deep in his throat at the thought of the great Hatake Kakashi being a nut-job.

The laughing subsiding, he was faced with the startling reality that he was crazy. Maybe crazy wasn't the word, but he certainly felt crazed. It's painful when you realize something is wrong with you. You feel cold, and miserably alone and that was how he felt at that moment.

Turning slowly onto his side, he listened to the shift of his sheets. The light was on his back and a chill skated up his exposed spine and curling into a ball, he prayed fervently for his nightmares to be over.

* * *

As Sasuke had learned time and time again, it was always best to keep your mouth shut when talking to Naruto. Not only would he take anything you say out of proportion, as a challenge, or both; he had a tendency to speak with his mouth full, and as soon as Sasuke thought that, a partially-chewed noodle landed squarely on his chin.

"Either keep it in your mouth or in the bowl, dobe," Sasuke deadpanned, picking the noodle off his face and flicking it into the street. Honestly, shouldn't he have been used to this by now? After years as teammates, he knew Naruto's table manners were atrocious, but maybe it was because of the sleep-deprivation that Sasuke mistook Naruto for actually being capable of being normal. Because honestly, who ate ramen for _breakfast?_

"Another bowl, old man! Sasuke-teme is paying!" Naruto said slurping down his soup.

"The hell I am," the brooding male snapped, rubbing his temples in an attempt to rid himself of his migraine. They had been here since it opened (Ten, which wasn't too bad if not for the fact Naruto was whining about being hungry when he dragged him out of his house at 6:30 that morning) and now at an hour after opening with five bowls and counting, Sasuke could feel his patience slip with every slurp Naruto gave.

"Aw, come on, teme! You promised!"

Sasuke merely scoffed and folded his arms in a way that exuded the words 'in-your-feeble-minded-dreams.' But before Naruto could spit out an angry retort, a voice interrupted them.

"Hey guys!"

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto exclaimed, running towards the pink-haired girl, enveloping her in a smothering hug. The girl merely laughed and let him hold her as she smiled over his arm.

"Morning, Sasuke," she greeted. Sasuke merely nodded and grunted in response.

"Wanna have breakfast with us? Teme's paying," Naruto said, choosing to ignore Sasuke's muttering and scathing glares. Sakura shook her head.

"I already ate breakfast. And what about Hinata? Shouldn't you be eating with her?"

At this, Naruto's cheerful expression dimmed. "She hasn't been home a lot lately. Some stuff happened with her clan and most of her time is spent there. I'm lucky if I can see her once a week."

Silence fell over the shop. Behind the counter, Teuchi quietly tending to his pot as Ayame disappeared behind the curtain flaps, and no one noticed the pale hand slipping a few bills by the stack of empty ramen bowls.

* * *

It was around ten when Kakashi had left his apartment to embark on his day. The sky had been a colorless grey when he woke up, the expanse of clouds dropping muted light on the land below and remained so even as he stepped out the door. Staring up at the sky, he briefly wondered when he would wake up to the sun again before brushing the thought aside. He did not deserve the sun.

Stepping off his doorstep, he slowly made his way down the stairs, listening to the cold, maddening echo that floated around him as he cursed fiercely under his breath. His fear had driven him from his home, his insanity was playing by his ear, and now he couldn't even walk down the steps without palpitating worry. It was stupid and annoying and absolutely degrading, but despite that, Kakashi couldn't help but laugh.

Finally free of the seemingly endless staircase, he stepped out into the village. He had no idea what he was going to do or who he was going to talk to, but he had somehow managed to waste away two hours before he bumped into someone he knew.

"Kakashi-sensei!"

"Sakura," he greeted quietly. At her name, her smile seemed to beam even brighter. "What are you doing out here?"

"Oh, just wandering around town," she said dismissively.

Her answer surprised him. He hadn't expected to be doing the same thing she was. The coincidence struck him as odd and made him feel strangely guilty for some reason. Maybe it was because he was finding they were more and more similar than he would like to think.

A cloud rumbled above their heads, causing them to look up. Kakashi was the first to speak.

"I'll walk you home."

Sakura nodded in agreement. In her condition, she couldn't afford to get sick and waited for him to move so she could fall into step with him.

It was an almost comical scene; the tall grey-haired man on the left was a sharp contrast to the shorter pink-haired woman on his right. People were staring and in the back of his mind, he guessed it was strange to see them together. It had been rare before, but in light of recent events, it was probably very strange to see them together and acting civil. The citizens of Konoha enjoyed a good show because their lives were considerably boring compared to their shinobi counterparts, but Kakashi refused to give them the satisfaction. Not when his own stomach was churning and the one thing he wanted most in that moment was to run from her side and forget ever having set foot outside of his apartment.

Sakura seemed oblivious to his turmoil and glancing at her from the corner of his eye, noted that she seemed strangely calm. Perhaps it was because of the baby, but he doubted it. The serenity that flowed around her seemed ethereal and unnatural, but maybe he was just being bitter and didn't want to see anyone else happy.

His gaze shifted lower to her stomach. She was showing now and could no longer hide the fact she was carrying his child. A stab of pain lanced through him and he managed to suppress his wince. It was painful to see, for him and for her. She had to have known that she couldn't hide it forever so why did she want to keep it? The whispers would be everywhere and he knew what they would say because he could hear snippets of it already.

"_Can you believe it?"_

"_I know."_

"_Poor girl."_

"_I think she just parted her legs for him, then cried rape when he didn't want to stay with her."_

"_So shameless."_

"_What was she thinking, keeping the child?"_

"_Maybe it was so she could keep him in her clutches forever."_

"_I feel so sorry for her."_

"_I feel more sorry for him."_

He shut his ears and closed his eyes. The voices were coming back. They were bothering him again. The eyes were crawling on his back and he could see all of their condescending, sneering smiles. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than the safety of his room. It had become his sanctuary in the past couple of weeks, because even if the silence was maddening, at least they couldn't bother him there.

'_It's not my fault. It's not my fault,'_ he thought to himself as they walked. Though he was calm on the outside, on the inside he was pulling at his hair and fighting panicked screams. It wasn't his fault. He didn't want this baby. She did. It was her fault. It was Sakura's fault. Blame her. _Blame her._

But he would never say these things because they couldn't blame her and he couldn't either. She was a victim as much as he was. She would carry the scars he carried and look over her shoulder the way he did when the shadows passed over the walls. Even if he resented her choice, he could not blame her for it. Though she did not look it, she was probably afraid of sex—of men in general because of what he did to her. She would never be able to have children and that child was probably the only chance she would ever have, but maybe he was only making her out to be a martyr so that his conscience would feel better. Even so he couldn't blame her for her decision, or at least, not entirely.

"So how far along are you?" It wasn't curiosity that urged him, but courtesy. His eye had travelled to her stomach and stayed for too long and the voices waited expectantly for him.

"Oh, I'm about four months along." She giggled. "It's so strange saying that. I never imagined I'd be pregnant."

And the comment that he didn't believe it either almost slips from his tongue. He never would've believed her to be pregnant at such a young age and even if she was, he would've expected Sasuke or someone else to be the father. Then again, if someone had told him before that he would rape his student, he probably would've killed them on the spot. Fate was cruel in that sense.

The question answered, they fell into silence.

The walk to her home was quiet as they walked through the winding streets of her district. Looking around, it seemed not much has changed. Even the toys that lay discarded in the yards were the same.

Suddenly, the sky opened up and it began to pour. Around them, people fled under overhangs and into their houses. The sounds of doors slamming shut echoed throughout the neighborhood.

Breaths mingled as they panted. They had been completely caught off-guard by the rain and as their clothes began getting soaked, Kakashi grabbed Sakura's hand and dashed up the stairs.

Sakura stared up at the disheveled man before her. His clothes were spotted with raindrops and his hair drooped slightly with the weight of the water, and knowing her, she probably didn't look any better.

Her sudden laughter was what reminded Kakashi of the person next to him. The silence had been so complete that he had forgotten that she was even there and he turned his head to watch her try to hide her giggles behind her hand. They spilled forth, regardless of her efforts and despite his bitterness, he felt happy for her. She deserved to laugh after all she had been through.

Suddenly, he was laughing, the same breathless chuckles escaping his lips. Why they were laughing, he had no clue. People got caught in the rain all the time, but the laughter was infectious and they smiled and laughed with each other as if laughing about a secret only they knew.

As he laughed, he watched her. He didn't even realize he was watching her because it was such a deeply ingrained habit of his. In her genin days, she was the one who always needed rescuing and it, like other habits of his, were hard to break.

He takes in the small things. The slight curvature of her fingers, the dainty tinkle of her laugh, the way her body shakes with her giggles. An air of innocence hangs around her, but maybe innocence isn't the right word. Regardless, he finds her almost surreal and leans in for a better look.

"Kakashi?"

The sound of his name over the din of rain on the roof is what alerts him of the fact he is too close. Her laughter is gone and their noses are almost touching and he can feel the slight dampness of their mingling breaths on his mask. There is wariness in her eyes, wariness and worry which are a stark contrast to the smoky haze that has covered his. He realizes that he should stop himself and succeeds in gathering his resolve, but at the bare whisper of his name, his resolve is gone and his fate is sealed.

The kiss is soft and yielding. Warmth floods both their systems, melting away the initial shock at what they're doing as Sakura pushes a bit firmer, asks for a bit more; all of which he is happy to give her.

And then, she moans, and he is gone, leaving her to marvel at the tenderness of the kiss and the gentleness of the man who has just bared his soul without uttering a word.

* * *

Rain gathered on the grooves of the epitaph, absorbing the lingering warmth of the fingers that continually dipped and danced in its carvings. It was freezing out and the rain had not let up since it started hours ago, but Kakashi didn't notice, too engrossed with the task of tracing the names of his friends as his mind raced and dragged on at the same time.

"What should I do, Obito? I don't know what to do anymore, so what should I do?" he whispered. His crouched legs were crying for respite now, his lips tinged blue as his fingers trembled in their task. Though his thoughts raced, he didn't feel like he was thinking at all. It was like he was trapped in a void, falling endlessly into a place where time did not exist and every moment was stretched into an eternity. He couldn't feel the rain beating at his back or the wind biting at his skin. He wasn't sure if he was even breathing.

The sound of footsteps alerted him to a presence and he knew instantly who it was, knew because there was only one person who could ever make him feel so conflicted with just their presence. Even as she stepped closer, the grass rustling softly under her feet with the steady hollow sound of water falling onto her umbrella growing louder, he refused to turn around.

"How long have you been here?"

Her voice was soft with the faintest hint of worry. There were no exclamations of how soaked he was, or how pale his skin was because such things were obvious and they had moved past the obvious long ago. Closing his eyes, he could imagine what she looked like behind him. She'd probably be in another dress, another pair of shoes. She'd have an umbrella this time—a pink one because there would always be that child-like part of her that stubbornly refused to go away—and then there'd be her face, that face that held every emotion clear as day, but instead of a smile like the sun, there'd be a sad, melancholy expression befitting the rainy day.

"Did I say anything to upset you? Did I do anything wrong?"

When he didn't respond, she sighed in resignation causing him to flinch ever so slightly. Overcome by guilt, he uttered one word. "Kiss."

At first, Sakura thought she imagined he had spoken, but when she saw the tenseness that rested between his shoulders, she realized that it had been real, that he had spoken.

"Is that why you're out here? Because you kissed me?"

He answered with a brief nod. He didn't trust himself to speak anymore. Not when she was there and he could barely think straight long enough to form coherent thoughts, let alone speak.

He could hear the grass rustle and realized that she had stepped closer. What was she doing here? Didn't she know enough that she should go away? She shouldn't be here! She was pregnant! She shouldn't be standing in the rain watching him do this. She shouldn't be wasting her life on him because unlike his, her life mattered.

"You know, you're going to freeze to death," he said at last, his fingers continued their sad waltz in the stone.

"You seem perfectly fine," she countered, her eyes trained on his back. Kakashi said nothing.

'_He's ignoring me.'_

"Kakashi, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. You should go home. You're going to catch a cold. And even if you don't care, you still have the baby to think about."

"But you still haven't told me what's wrong."

"…"

"Fine. Then I won't leave until you tell me," she said firmly.

"What? Sakura!" His fingers had stopped moving on the stone and he was facing her now. If anything, at least she got a reaction from him. "Sakura, you're pregnant. You shouldn't be out here. You'll get sick. Just go home already!"

She knew his patience was thinning, she could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice, but she wasn't going to let him win. Not if she was going to find out once and for all what he thought of her.

"Why should you care if I get sick or not?"

"Sakura, you can't be selfish about this. You have another life to think about."

"So? You're selfish all the time. You never let anyone into that godforsaken barrier of yours. Why do you have to keep everyone out? Why can you act one way and I have to act another? Why do you care if I get sick?"

And suddenly, the words came rushing out. "Because I lo—"

His hand covered his mouth, but the words had already been thrown out. The implication was already there. Kakashi turned away from her. Damn it, this was why he didn't want her to stay here. Not when his mind wasn't working, when his heart was tearing in two, when that kiss still lay so fresh in his mind and he couldn't tell what was going on.

"Forget what I just said, Sakura. I wasn't thinking straight."

But she couldn't leave it, couldn't forget it and pass it off as a lie when he said it like that. She had never heard him sound so pained, so confused. And looking at him now, crouched by the memorial stone, his blue fingertips quivering as they traced the names of departed souls, she never realized how small he was.

"…Are you really that afraid of loving me?" she asked at last and at first, Kakashi couldn't believe she said that. He had barely even heard it over the din of the rain. And then…

"Yes." His answer was a barely audible whisper, a single note playing amongst the rain, but for him, it held the world. Yes, he did love her. And yes, he was afraid. More than that, he was terrified. Love was synonymous with pain for him because everyone he had ever loved had died, and always when he realized just how much he needed them. That's why he had those barriers. To shut people out before they could get in because it always spelled disaster for them and him.

But now he couldn't stop it. She had gotten through them without even having to try. It was remarkable how easy it was, but how it came to be was even more mystifying. Was it because of the rape that they came together? If it had never happened, would they be as close as they were now?

No, he knew they wouldn't. They would still be acquaintances—at the very most, friends—and he would still be reading Icha Icha and having light conversation with her when he saw her and all his walls would be intact. She would've never gotten this close because he wouldn't have let her. But maybe he was just kidding himself. Maybe it had been inevitable.

Arms wrapped around his neck and he could feel her breath brushing lightly over his hair. Only then did he realize that she was holding him and the first thing he thought of was that her dress was going to get dirty. It was an asinine thought, really, but he couldn't take any serious thinking anymore.

"I'm tired," he told her softly. Those thoughts had drained him. This whole day had drained him. Did it really matter how it happened? He still held feelings for her and it didn't seem like anything would change that fact. He cared for her, deeply, and that was as far as he would let himself go. It would be a while before he would let himself say he loved her because love was still too painful a word to use. Maybe in time, he could say it, but not now. Not when the wounds were still fresh in their minds and he still had so far to go.

Happiness was far away and it seemed like he was drowning in a pool eons and eons beneath her, but he knew that one day, he'd stop. He would stop drowning, stop wallowing in self-induced misery and begin moving forward again. What was more, she would be waiting for him, her hand out-stretched with a bright smile on her face, as they took the first step towards the future.

And with that thought, he began to cry.

* * *

Well, there it is. I'm fighting major inspiration block since I can't seem to write as well as I used to. The tense switch at the end of the third scene was intentional since I wanted the reader to experience things as they were happening. If it's too awkward, I'll change it…maybe. **Happy New Year!**

(PS: anyone else thinking this is becoming more and more of a melodrama? :P)


	16. Don't Move pt 1

_Good morning sunlight  
As I get used to you  
It's all gonna be all right  
I did all I can do  
And as I'm waiting for those eyes  
To say what's on your mind  
I finally think I've found the words to say..._

_So baby don't move at all  
Cause you're about to break my fall  
Stay where you are, staring at the stars  
Don't ever move at all_

_-Butch Walker, "Don't Move"_

* * *

If anyone had told Kakashi that he would be married, he would've laughed in their face.

He had decided long ago that he would end his family line with himself. Clan life was no fun, especially when you were the only one of your family left, and the burden of being a Hatake was a task too heavy on the soul. Generations of greatness and failure rested on his shoulders—had for years—whittling and wearing him down, and he told himself he would never let another person experience that pain.

But that was before the incident. The rape had changed everything—thrown a wrench in his well-made plans—and if his former self had a look at him, he'd say a wrench in his brain—because he had gotten married…to Sakura.

Shocking, isn't it? Tsunade was shocked too when they arrived at her office the day after Sakura had found her former sensei at the memorial stone.

_Flashback_

"_You wanna what?" _

"_We want to get married," Kakashi repeated slowing his word to ensure his meaning was not misunderstood._

_Tsunade stared at the two standing before her in shocked astonishment, blinking a few times to reassure herself that this was indeed Hatake Kakashi and Haruno Sakura and not any other couple. But this assurance did little to settle Tsunade as she flipped the stacks of paperwork over and checked the date on her sake bottle. No, it should still be good, meaning that this was no trick of her mind—and it was certainly not a prank from Naruto because even that idiot wouldn't stoop to this kind of a low—and that this was in fact, a very sober reality._

"_Why?" The question had been asked before she could stop herself, and she gnawed at her thumb—half in punishment, half in trying to keep herself occupied as they gave her an answer._

_Kakashi's reply was the embodiment of him, "we believe it is in the best interests of our future child."_

_Tsunade eyed him skeptically. That answer was too easy and too close to what he might think she'd want to hear. She knew he was hiding something from her. They both were. Tsunade turned to Sakura._

"_Is this true?" she asked, cradling her chin on the backs on her fingers, "is there no other reason that you two want to be married?"_

"_No, shishou," Sakura replied calmly._

_A skeptical hum vibrated in Tsunade's throat. "Are you sure? Though wanting a stable family life for a child is understandable, you are getting married, Sakura. Granted, marriage has a less significant meaning than before and divorces are quite easy to come by, even in our village, but still…this is a big decision, Sakura-chan. And before you stop me, I'd like you to know I am not only asking this as your Hokage, but also as your friend. Now I'd like to repeat my question: is there no other reason that you two want to be married?"_

_Sakura looked up at Kakashi, whose gaze was as unreadable as ever, but his hand squeezed hers reassuringly. Nodding slightly, she turned her head and swallowed before replying. _

"_I love him, shishou."_

_It was soft-spoken and sincere, Sakura's gaze unwavering as she stared at her teacher who stared back with equal intensity._

"_Sakura, are you sure about—"_

"_I am," she interrupted, voice resolute. Her gaze still had yet to break._

_Tsunade broke it first and slowly closed her eyes. "And do you agree that you were not coerced in your decision in any way?"_

"_Yes."_

"_And you understand the terms you are about to undergo?"_

"_Yes."_

"_And you find them entirely agreeable to your person?"_

"_Yes."_

_Tsunade held Sakura's gaze, and then fell back into her chair with a sigh. "It seems like there's nothing I can do then." With another sigh, she reached into a drawer and produced a paper. "Sign your names on the line, then come back another day to add yourself to his family registry."_

_The two stared at the blonde woman in surprise. "You mean—" _

_Tsunade nodded at her apprentice. "You're telling Naruto and Sasuke, though. And don't tell them here. The last thing I need is someone to be wrecking my office," she told them before looking out of the corner of her eye, "what are you gawking at, Hatake?"_

_The silver-haired man blinked, startled. "Just that…"_

"_You never expected me to say yes so easily?"_

_Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck. "Truth be told…yes," he admitted. "You seemed so adamant, so why…"_

_Tsunade snorted indelicately, "You know how stubborn Sakura is. And I repeat: 'The last thing I need is someone to be wrecking my office.'"_

_End flashback_

Maybe his former self was correct in its assessment. Maybe there was something wrong with him. Never before had he been so impulsive as to get married—much less to someone he had such a strained relationship to—but maybe that was just part of being in love, the urge to be impulsive.

It hadn't been too bad though. They had been married two months now, and aside from the occasional squabble, everything was fine. In fact, being married seemed almost banal now that Sasuke and Naruto weren't angry at their impulse marriage, but it was an enjoyable kind of banality. The days were long, predictable, and encased in a glowing warmth. The only thing he could think of as being remotely strange was how quiet Sakura was now, but maybe that was another thing that had changed in her. And who was he to question how she coped. But other than that, it was almost like a dream how well things were going.

Kakashi walked up the steps to their shared home. They had agreed to live at Sakura's since her place was larger than his. The moving had taken less than a day, and though he sometimes thought of his old apartment—despite its size, it was still the place he had called home for most of his life—he preferred his life with Sakura. Oddly enough, married life made him very happy.

"I'm back!" Kakashi called out, slipping off his sandals in the entryway before placing the milk in the refrigerator. Straightening himself, he noticed how quiet it was in the house.

'_Has she fallen asleep again?'_ Kakashi wondered. Now in her sixth month, she had trouble sleeping and was prone to napping throughout the day.

Walking to their shared bedroom in the back of the house, Kakashi nudged open the door expecting to find Sakura curled up in bed…only to find the bed and everything else in the room in a state of disarray. The bottles and photos Sakura kept on the vanity she had bought a few months earlier were broken and scattered on the floor. The mirror was broken, and the contents of the dresser were spilling out; from the bookshelf, the tomes of Sakura's medical dictionaries lay smashed atop one another with the top one splattered with what appeared to be blood. The scene was alien to him, and he stared inquisitively at it, unable to process what had happened. A breeze ran across his skin and he noticed the window was open. The window was rarely open nowadays since Sakura had become sensitive to the cold. Kakashi had not cared either way.

Despite a voice in the back of his mind needling at him that he should not disturb a crime scene, Kakashi walked over to the window and grabbed the two handles. Perhaps it was to add a sense of normalcy, or maybe it was because he had yet to process that his life had just been altered once more. The longer he denied its existence, the less likely it would be real, was what he told himself. He knew it was a lie since he'd already gone through this process once, but still…he could hope.

A slight rustling caught his attention and pausing in his actions, he looked up. There, pinned to window frame with a kunai knife, was a note. Plucking the knife from the wood, Kakashi grabbed the sheet of paper and read the note. His heart plummeted to the floor as the note fell from his fingertips and floated gently to the ground.

_We have her. If you don't want us to do to her what you did to Isao, meet us near the Fire-Grass border. We'll be waiting…_

* * *

**Sorry about the wait. We were behind in class, so we were cramming stuff for the AP test. And I know, it's filler, but it's the arrival of a semi-substantial plot! Praise the spaghetti monster! (Next chapter is longer, I swear.)**

**And jokes aside, thank you for all the reviews. It makes me smile knowing people read and like my work enough to let me know. :)**


	17. Don't Move pt 2

_So many black and white  
Are made to be so blue  
We've all got our wars to fight  
But I won't fight with you  
If I could just get your attention  
I'd never let it go  
Until you've felt what I am gonna say...._

_-Butch Walker, "Don't Move"

* * *

_

The first thing Sakura noticed when she regained consciousness was that her lids felt unusually heavy, like someone had placed weights at the end of them. Secondly, she realized she had been covered with a blanket, its weight lying across her limp limbs and body. And thirdly, she realized dimly that everything seemed foggy. Even her thoughts seemed oddly out of body, as if far away. She could hear voices coming at her.

"Do you think she's awake?" a man asked, his deep voice thick and nasal as if he had a cold.

"Atsushi, go back to work. You know captain will be mad if you dawdle again," another man said with gentle chiding. "Now don't give me that look. I'll tell you when she's awa—she's waking up! Captain!" the man alerted.

Sakura blinked blearily before cracking open her eyes. Her head hurt, and she still felt a bit woozy. Before she could stop herself, she quietly muttered, "Where am I?"

A thick-set, round man with black hair smiled at her, his small, black eyes peering out of his tan face with child-like excitement. He looked about thirty. "You're our captive!"

The man before her shook his head to himself before placing a hand on his chest. "Please forgive my friend's rudeness, but what he says is true. You are our captive, and I apologize for Atsushi—that's him over there," he said pointing to the thick-set man who waved, "he was a bit rough when he kidnapped you after you scratched him."

Sakura tried to focus her eyes to the speaker, gathering as much light from the small fire behind him as she could. The fog over her mind was starting to ebb, but a dull throbbing pain at the back of her head alerted her to what "a bit rough" might have been. Judging by the darkened sky, it had been a few hours since she had passed out, but she could only remember bits and pieces of why she had passed out. She had been folding clothes in the bedroom when she felt a breeze enter the room and someone come up behind her. Her first instinct was to fight, but with the baby limiting her movement, she could only struggle. She remembered scratching her attacker—that must have been when she scratched Atsushi—and then a strong-smelling cloth cover her nose and mouth before she blacked out.

"Chloroform," she said to herself.

The dark-haired man before her nodded. "Yes, Atsushi used chloroform," he said and Sakura peered closer at the man before her.

"Sai…?"

The man blinked. "No, my name is Kakeru." But despite what he said, he did bear a striking resemblance to Sai, with the same dark eyes, thin lips, and facial shape. The only differences were that his skin color wasn't as deathly pale, his hair was longer and shaggier, and he was capable of emoting more. He couldn't have been much older than her. "Miss, are you alright? You seem a bit ill."

At the thought of illness, Sakura immediately remembered the baby. Had the baby been injured? She must have vocalized these worries because the man named Kakeru looked up in distress.

"Captain—Hisoka-san, I don't feel comfortable with this! You never told us we would be kidnapping a pregnant woman!" He turned his head to his rounded companion, who was in a similar state of distress. "Did you know she was pregnant?"

"I thought she was just fat!" Atsushi cried out, a few shades paler than before. His teeth began chattering, and bringing his fingers up, he began biting at his nails.

"Atsushi, stop that," said a deep voice. Looking up, Sakura watched a figure emerge from the shadows. She hadn't even sensed him. Had he been here the whole time?

The figure leapt down from the shadows of the tree branch he had been standing on, and Sakura studied him. He was two inches shorter than Kakashi's height with short black hair with medium build and thin dark eyes. Those eyes glanced at her from their corners before flicking back to the nervous Kakeru.

"Just to tell you, Kakeru, yes I did know she was pregnant. You should realize that in the world of shinobi, everyone is a potential target. You should know that entirely too well, correct?"

Kakeru nodded sadly, deep in the world of his memories. Hisoka nodded and strolled over to Sakura. She nearly flinched at the commanding air he gave off. "Hatake Sakura, age 20, formerly known as Haruno Sakura. Member of Konohagakure. Jounin rank. Medical ninja and apprentice to the Hokage, Lady Tsunade. Married to Hatake Kakashi and pregnant with his child, correct?"

Sakura stared down at floor, knowing he was not looking for confirmation from her because he already knew it was her. As she predicted, he did not press her for an answer.

"What do you want from me?" she asked, annoyed.

Hisoka stared down at her with an unreadable gaze, and briefly, she thought of Sasuke. "You should know very well how hostage situations work. We kidnap a loved one and give demands in exchange for your return. Your husband should be preparing to leave as we speak." At her angry gaze, he returned her stare and gave a small, exasperated sigh. "It's nothing personal, I hope you understand. We were part of the group that Isao was part of, and while I do not condone his behavior towards you, you should know you killed a great deal of my team. Atsushi, Kakeru, and I are the only ones left and having cut off our commodities, we feel a bit of payback is in order."

His explanation finished, he walked away towards the fire, pausing a few feet away from her. "And don't think you can escape. I've already given you a poison that will keep your chakra levels at a low level. You only have enough for your body to function without collapsing from exhaustion. And it's as Kakeru says, if you behave, I will not harm you." And with that, he continued on his path.

"Wait."

Hisoka paused and turned to look over his shoulder.

"If you're getting revenge for your fallen teammates, why not kill me? I killed them too," Sakura asked.

"Fool. Aside from the bounty on his head, it is a matter of pride that I kill Hatake Kakashi," he replied. He turned his head away from her. "Besides, even I would not lower myself to kill a pregnant woman."

And with that, he stalked off towards the campfire, leaving Sakura as confused as she was when she awoke.

* * *

It was eleven in the morning, and like every morning, the Hokage of Konohagakure could be found sitting at her desk filling out the seemingly endless reams of paperwork that towered her desktop. As she read over the forms, giving her signature when it was needed, Tsunade wondered why she had so much paperwork. Sure, there were treaties and propositions to look over, along with her other duties managing the hospital, but did they have to be so long? Trees were dying for these damn things! And despite Yamato's ability to raise trees from the ground like her grandfather, there was a limit to what the man would do.

A knock at the door interrupted her mental tirade.

"Come in," she said as she scanned over the current document before her, a proposal by Ibiki for more funding. Apparently they needed more money for a new sink in the bathroom as well as some money to replace some missing pipes in the plumbing. She wasn't even going to ask.

"Tsunade-sama," the shinobi before her bowed. She blinked and took off the pair of reading glasses perched at the end of her nose.

"Kakashi, what a surprise. You've never bowed before and—"

"I want to be on the retrieval team," he said firmly.

Tsunade sighed. "Cut right to the chase, huh? Fine. My answer is no."

"But, Tsunade, I—"

"No," the blonde woman said resolutely. Seeing the agonized look in his eye, she softened her expression. "I'm sorry, Kakashi, but you know our policy. Under no circumstances can we allow spouses or family members on rescue missions. I didn't even allow Hinata on the mission to find Neji and Tenten."

"But—"

"No means no, Hatake. You know we have these policies for a reason. When things become personal, you become a danger to the mission and the team, and I will not tolerate insubordination."

"But you have Sasuke and Naruto on the team. Even Lee is on the team."

"Because I know they can control themselves. They might have personal ties to Sakura, but I know that when the time comes, they'll keep it together. I can't be sure about _you_."

His fist suddenly connecting with her desk shook the table, causing Tsunade to jump in her seat; the tabletop rippled, then splintered and cracked with his force. "Damn it, Tsunade. Let me go!"

Kakashi had held out as long as he could. He knew this wasn't normal behavior—that at any other point in his life, he would've been angered, but he would've been able to keep his anger in check—but that was then. This was now and now, love had made him irrational; fear had made him desperate. Her eyes met his, measured his frantic gaze calculatingly, and sighed quietly to herself.

"If you're that desperate to go, go ahead—don't ever say that I never did you any favors—but if I find out you did _anything_ to endanger this mission, I will have your rank stripped from you as soon as you set one foot back in the village."

Reaching under the desk, she pulled out a scroll from a drawer by her leg, "here's the mission scroll. They're still getting ready so you can get the debriefing from one of the members. Your job is to help Kiba track Sakura and offer backup. Genma is your team captain. You leave tomorrow morning. Any questions?"

"No," Kakashi quickly answered, heading towards the door before stopping to pause and look back. "Thank you, Tsunade," he said gratefully.

Tsunade grunted, head already ducked towards her paperwork. Then, when she was sure that Kakashi was out the door and out of range to hear, she snorted to herself, "Idiot." But there was a smile on her face.

* * *

"Kakashi, slow down!"

The silver-haired man ignored the Inuzuka boy, continuing his demon pace as he soared through the tree limbs. The shaggy-haired man cursed. "Genma, aren't you supposed to be mission captain? Do something about him!"

Genma frowned. Though it was true he was mission captain, Genma also knew there was no chance in hell Kakashi would listen to him. It was already their second day of travel and Kakashi had made it clear he was there solely to get Sakura back. Genma didn't mind. Kakashi had always been a bit of a lone wolf, group mission or not, but it was a pain for him to be giving orders when he knew he had no right to. He'd been the one to set rest times, and when they made camp and woke up. He was the entire reason Genma hadn't even had the time to stick his trademark senbon in his mouth when they headed out for the morning. He was unrelenting in his demands for faster speed and further distances, especially when Kiba has shouted that they might have had a possible lead earlier. It was only when Genma reluctantly pulled rank that Kakashi listened.

Now, he understood Kakashi's anxiousness to find Sakura. There was no knowing of what those people were doing to Sakura. Pregnant or not, male missing nin had fewer scruples when dealing with women. He knew Kakashi was worried about Sakura—they all were—but Kakashi's worry seemed to be on a whole other level. It made sense since they were married, and Tsunade had told Genma earlier to expect Kakashi forcing himself into their mission squad, but he knew he was supposed to be the one in charge. He didn't want to cite Kakashi on insubordination, but he'd have to if Kakashi did anything to jeopardize their safety or Sakura's safety, but he knew the man was desperate. Almost as desperate as Naruto when he was chasing after Sasuke, if not more. That being said…

"There's no talking him out of it, Kiba. Just stay near the back with Lee. Sasuke, Naruto, keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't do something stupid. I don't want Tsunade to have a reason to drop his rank."

Watching the two nod, they quickly leapt ahead, keeping pace just a few meters behind their former teacher, who seemed completely unaware of his followers. Kakashi's field of vision was merely the forest in front of him and the blurring scenery in his peripheral vision. He could feel his heart thudding in his chest; his throat was screaming for air and water, but he pushed forward, despite his screaming, aching muscles. He had barely slept at all last night, but he'd get through. Pain was nothing; even death was nothing if he got to see her again.

Dimly, he could hear the shouts of his teammates, but he kept pushing on. An image of her smiling flashed before him, and he reached out for her and swore he could smell the lingering scent of her jasmine-scented lotion and feel the fabric of her dress in his hand.

And then, the mirage vanished. Sakura was gone, leaving for his view the blurring forest scenery, a hated reminder of the many miles between them and he cursed under his breath as the thought of her being hurt flickered through his mind. How was she doing, he wondered to himself. Were they alright? Naturally, the thought of them not being alright followed and he found his heart clenching painfully tight in his chest. It was slightly harder to breathe now as well and he found the more he lingered on his thoughts, the more the fear coiled up from his stomach to his lungs. The scenarios were unbearable.

'_I'm coming, Sakura. Wait for me.' _

And with the scent of white jasmine flowers in his nose and the feel of cotton in his hand, he pressed chakra to his feet and pushed on.

* * *

Humans can adapt anywhere. Sakura knew it from both books and real-life experiences. Suna was a desert and yet the people thrived there, and so she could too as a hostage.

In the three days they had been traveling together, Sakura had picked up the routine. Atsushi woke up first in the morning, going to look for food for the camp. Next, Hisoka woke up, checking the perimeter of the camp and the traps as Atsushi came back with breakfast; Kakeru was always the last to wake up.

After breakfast, they would travel. Hisoka told her they were going to the meeting point at the Grass-Fire border, and they would travel for an hour before they would stop for her to rest. Pregnancy had started setting its full brunt on her body: the problems sleeping, the swollen feet, etc., but they would always stop for her—as their bargaining chip, she supposed they had to. Even when they couldn't afford to stop, Hisoka would have Atsushi carry her until she could walk again.

When they stopped for the night, the routine remained the same as she estimated it always had been. Kakeru gathered firewood and started the fire; Atsushi looked for food; and Hisoka would check the perimeter and set traps. Even with the addition of Sakura, the routine had changed little. The only difference was that Kakeru had help making the fire and preparing the food and that there was one more person to watch when doing guard duty.

Atsushi took first watch during guard duty. He always had the shortest shift because he fell asleep so easily, and sometimes she would find him nodding off in the tree and nearly fall out of the branches. Kakeru took second or third watch depending on the day, but his shift was always the longest. He'd become quieter since Hisoka's reminder that everyone was a target—she could only guess that his family was a victim of that rule—but she didn't need him to talk to know he was a nervous man. Polite, but incredibly nervous. Sudden, unnecessary movements startled him, and strange noises would make him send kunai flying into bushes. It was a useful trait to have when doing guard duty, she supposed, but because of that, she tried very hard not to do anything to set him off. She tried hard not to do anything to set anyone off, what with the baby and all.

Hisoka's shift always spanned the most difficult hours, from midnight until four. She saw him on occasion during his shift when she was drifting in and out of consciousness. He'd always be staring off in a high tree branch half-covered in shadows and she'd wonder what he was thinking about. Despite the three days she'd stayed with them, she had yet to decipher his unreadable gaze. Whenever she tried, she'd only see her reflection and his blank gaze staring back at her. It was like staring into a mirror and frankly, it was getting annoying. She told him that on their fourth night.

"Your parents should be proud of themselves. They named you quite accurately. You're very reserved," she observed, annoyance coloring her tone.

"My parents could only guess at what my nature would be. I doubt they expected me to become the leader of a band of nuke-nin," was Hisoka's calm reply before gracefully jumping down to stoke the small campfire. That was another thing she didn't like about him. He was always so calm and collected. It was like someone combined the stoic natures of Sasuke, Sai, and Kakashi and poured into one man. It was annoying, and unnerving. Even with four days of observation, she had yet learned to read into him. Maybe that's why she was lashing out.

"Shouldn't you be keeping watch in the tree?" she asked when he sat next to her. She knew she was pushing her luck with these smarmy comments of hers, but she knew Hisoka was smart enough to know that with her dead, there would be no bargain. Plus, she could always blame it on her pregnancy. Swinging hormone levels were bound to let a few comments slip out that weren't supposed to. Idly, she supposed that she should be panicking more, but she had been kidnapped on more than one occasion and by distracting herself, she could keep her wits about her better.

Hisoka turned to look at her from the corner of his eye. "My traps have got it covered." To prove his point, he picked up a small pebble the size of a grain of rice and showed it to her before tossing it deep into the bushes, only for a resounding snap to echo back, causing Kakeru and Atsushi to wake up and blink blearily around. Hisoka waved them back to sleep.

"I repeat: my traps have got it covered. Unlike your teammates in Leaf, we don't have any fancy kekkei genkai to save us when trouble comes," he said with an amused glimmer in his eye. He was probably laughing at her attempts to ruffle his feathers. "Any other burning questions or are you going to just try burning holes in my head until you fall asleep?"

She folded her arms over her chest with a huff, just managing to keep the words 'jerk' from flying off her tongue. A chuckle entered the air and she almost had to do a double-take to make sure she hadn't misheard the sound. Hisoka had…laughed?

Sakura tried looking at Hisoka, trying to catch a trace of anything that would verify the stoic man had laughed, but she could only see the side of his jaw. He was turned away, and following his gaze, she saw him staring at Atsushi and Kakeru, a fond look in his eyes.

"You really care about them, don't you?"

Hisoka turned to her, a half-smile on his lips. "It's why I take the worst shift for night watch and set the traps. They're good men, though."

At the dubious look she sent him, he smiled a bit wider.

"I'm serious. Atsushi wouldn't have hit your head against the bookshelf if you hadn't scratched him in the face," he said with a slight chuckle, "but in all seriousness, they are good men. They've just had it rough. We all have. Atsushi was put in a freak show in the Land of Tea when I found him and Kakeru…his wife and children were caught in a fire meant for him."

"He…was married?"

Hisoka nodded. "Surprised, right? Despite the way he looks, he's actually 29."

Sakura nodded. So that's why he'd been so wary about her kidnapping…

"You're shivering."

Sakura looked up. "Huh?"

"You're shivering," Hisoka repeated. Looking down, she realized that she was.

"I'm not surprised. I was kidnapped while wearing a summer sundress," she said matter-of-factly. Hisoka grunted and took off his brown traveling cloak.

"Here," he said, bundling her in it.

"Aren't you going to be cold?" she asked, but her hands were already greedily clutching at the fabric and she just stopped the satisfied hum as her body drank in the heat still trapped in the cloak. Hisoka, despite his cold exterior, was actually quite warm.

'_Kind of like Kakashi…'_

"I'll be fine," he said motioning to his body. Looking over his clothing, he was right. Long brown pants and a black long-sleeved shirt under his brown short-sleeve. Even if he had a slightly stupid amount of belts around his waist—why five buckles around your waist?—he would be perfectly warm. "We nuke-nin have to be built of tougher stuff, anyway. This is nothing," he said with a dazzling, wolfish smile. No wonder he didn't smile often. His already-good looks and that smile were lethal, but…

"What about you?" she asked.

"What about me?" he asked, carelessly stretching out against the tree.

"You've told me about Atsushi and Kakeru, but what about you?" she asked, pulling her knees to her chest from under the cloak. Hisoka's expression became grim.

"What about me?" he replied tonelessly, unwilling to meet her gaze. Sakura pushed on regardless.

"Why did you become a missing nin? You told me about Kakeru and Atsushi, but why did you become one? Is this really the life you want?"

"Of course not!" he replied angrily, eyes flashing with rage as he turned to her. "I wanted—I wanted—"

Hisoka turned around abruptly, raked a hand through his hair and sighed heavily. "Never mind," he said quietly. Turning around, he forced his lips into a reassuring smile. "You should go to sleep," he told her.

"But I'm not…"

And before she could even finish her sentence, he'd wrapped the cloak tightly around her and she fell fast asleep, not even feeling Hisoka's fingers as he brushed away the hair from her face or seeing the gentle, adoring smile on his face before he leapt back into the trees.


	18. Before the Battle

**Finally updated! Next is the epic battle! And oh my god, you guys, I'm SO SORRY. I promise to make it up to you guys with updates and oneshots galore once APs are over!**

*Edit: The chapter has been revised slightly. Not enough to change the plot, but Sakura is now more in character than before and you get a bit more of Hisoka's stance on things (on accident of course. I had meant to make this more Sakura-centtric)

* * *

Sakura awoke to the sunlight streaming in through the leaves. It was still early and in the forest around them, the single twittering notes of the songbirds nesting in the trees drifted down like ghosts.

Blinking her eyes, she felt a heavy weight across her arms and she stared at the brown mass of heavy fabric before remembering the night before. Hisoka had given her his traveling cloak to keep warm. Looking down, she could see the morning dew clinging to it. Reaching up, she discovered it was in her hair as well.

"Good morning, Sakura-san," Kakeru greeted politely with a smile. In return, she smiled back at the green-haired man who seemed satisfied with her answer and headed towards the fire Atsushi was tending. Hovering above it, skewered on a few sticks were a few fish. Apparently, Atsushi was lucky today. The day before, they subsisted on a few roots found in the forest to accompany their rice.

The strange thing was, though, usually Atsushi injured himself during this time. It wasn't particularly any fault on his part, he was just clumsy at times; and as soon as she thought that, Atsushi's howl of despair echoed the camp as he burned his finger while tending the fire. It was like clockwork, and Sakura couldn't help the smile that came to her face from the safety of routine. It was strange that she would smile during her kidnapping or be this calm, but she couldn't help it. They reminded her so much of her old team in certain ways. If she closed her eyes, she could easily imagine it being Naruto howling in pain and clutching his injured finger. It almost made her want to stay. _Almost._

And then, like always, the baby would kick and she would look down at it. Memories flashed at her briefly, always too quickly for her to catch the beginning until they slowed to an image of Kakashi. Kakashi…how was he faring in all of this, she wondered.

The baby kicked again and she placed her hand over her stomach as if to soothe it. She'd have to get up soon and she moved to do so, only for a back spasm to knock her back down.

'_Too fast,_' she thought gasping through the sudden pain. A shadow cooled the side of her face and looking up, she saw Hisoka having already reclaimed his cloak and wordlessly offering a hand to her. Reaching up, she took it easily and using the tree for support, pulled herself to her feet. She thanked Hisoka who merely shook his head, dismissing the need before heading to the fire where Kakeru and Atsushi were, their faces solemn and oddly grim. It was quiet at the campsite; Atsushi's howls had quieted and the only sounds were the singing of the birds and the crackling of the fire. Sakura wondered why it was so silent; camp was never so quiet.

And then, she remembered…today was the day they would meet. Today was the day of the battle, and the reason for the silence was that they were men condemned to die.

That day at breakfast, the notes of the birds stretched and echoed in the spaces of the silence; they sounded like death knells.

* * *

Unsurprisingly, travelling that day was also quiet as well. They were not far from the meeting place. Kakeru had sent a messenger hawk at breakfast giving the coordinates they were to meet at and the time they could be expected to arrive. Looking up at the position of the sun, that gave them an hour, tops.

Sakura glanced ahead of her, Hisoka's broad shoulders staring back at her. Behind her, Kakeru brought up the rear and Atsushi lead the front. Though he would be usually carrying her, she refused it. Even if her feet were aching and blistering from walking in her thin-soled shoes, she couldn't bring herself to wear Atsushi down with her weight. He'd need his strength for the fight. It was something she truly believed in—and while everything in her ninja training told her to make him more tired to give her rescuers a better chance, she couldn't bring herself to do it. She liked her kidnappers too much; they had been kind and courteous to her as much as they could allow and she knew she had much more freedom than regular hostages. Briefly, she entertained the idea of the famed Haruno Sakura falling victim to Stockholm syndrome before a laugh escaped her lips. That was too absurd, even for her.

Feeling eyes on her, she looked up to see Hisoka looking back at her. She caught his gaze and cocked her head questioningly, only for him to mumble something unintelligible as he quickly looked away.

She stared at his back, her mind analyzing his body as she silently calculated his chances of winning. She had not seen any of their jutsu, and she didn't know who else was going to be on her rescue team, but she could already see a few things. Hisoka's shoulders were slightly broader than Kakashi's. If he was a fire-user like Sasuke, his jutsu would be more potent given the extra lung capacity.

They were roughly the same height. However, Kakashi's reach was longer, but depending on how rested he was, Hisoka's slightly heavier build could do some serious damage if Kakashi wasn't careful.

'_Knowing him, he's probably disobeying orders to get to me,'_ she thought dryly. She had no doubt in her mind that Kakashi was going to be on the rescue team. Despite the village's policy, the ransom letter was a direct challenge to Kakashi and they had kidnapped his wife and unborn child. He'd be furious and desperate to save them, and while this touched her heart, Sakura did not smile as glowingly as she would've thought. However, she dismissed it as merely a reaction to the heavy air they traveled under. It was no secret that only one group was going to come out of this alive and any shinobi, no matter what rank or title, was always nervous when marching towards their certain death. What did change was how well they learned to hide it.

Movement caught Sakura's gaze and she tracked the small knot in Hisoka's cloak until a breeze passed, revealing his sword. It was a mid-range sword, longer than the ones issued standard at Anbu. Though he usually carried it on his back, it was at his side, swinging calmly and easily like the pendulum of a clock.

She walked over to him and matched his pace. "You know, you still haven't told me why you've become a missing-nin," she told him.

"Are you sure you should be consorting with the enemy so easily?" he asked with a side-long glance. Sakura smirked with irony on her lips.

"You're talking to a woman who is best friends with Uchiha Sasuke. And besides, consorting with the enemy is part of being a kunoichi. The ability to start conversations is a must."

"My apologies then," he said with a fleeting smile. She caught it, then after a pause, asked, "So will you tell me?"

Hisoka gave what almost sounded like a heavy sigh. "Sakura…"

"I'm not asking this as an informant for Konoha. You might die. I'd at least like to know your story before I decide whether or not to pray for your soul."

Hisoka smirked bitterly. "My soul was lost long ago."

"It doesn't seem that way to me."

She said this in passing, but it was true. She had seen soullessness. Sasuke, when he was still searching for his brother, was soulless. He had become a slave to his hatred and numb to any notions of joy or forgiveness. There was the passion of anger in his body movements, the tense twitches and jerks of his muscles coiled with the need for blood, but none of it ever met his eyes. Unlike the dark shining pools she remembered seeing in her youth, those eyes were as vast and hollow as the black holes of space. Any light she might've seen was swallowed and lost within his eyes, and when they finally got him back, she had swore to use everything in her power so she would not see that look in his eyes again.

Those eyes had haunted her dreams for weeks. She had nearly forgotten about it, but she had made her peace with those memories. In any event, she knew what not having a soul looked like and Hisoka, regardless of whatever notions he carried of himself, indeed had a soul. Glancing out of the corner of her eye, she could see his stunned expression staring back at her.

"What?" she asked harmlessly.

Hisoka shook his head. "Nothing," he muttered, brows knit in concentration. However, after years of being with people—especially people like him—she knew nothing meant something. It always meant something, and she wouldn't rest until she discovered what.

"I asked Atsushi and Kakeru earlier, you know," she said conversationally. "They wouldn't tell me anything either. Or rather, Atsushi doesn't know and Kakeru doesn't want to say." Her tone was biting. "What is the harm in telling me? You already know all about me and any information you give would just be background information in a bingo book."

"While you may think very little of my past, I am sorry to tell you that I do not share the same sentiment," he told her coldly, turning his head away from her. She stared in disbelief at the man. He had shut her off; his body language telling her the conversation was closed and to back off from the subject, but she wouldn't. Something was bubbling in her and she realized it for what it was when it came to the surface. It was the leftover remnants of her anger and desperation—relics of her days hunting Sasuke. It was her need to heal, her burning urge to gouge out pain and internalize it for herself. Sai had affectionately called it her "martyr complex" once and perhaps he was right. She was always trying to heal the boy she could not save. Even if he was back with her, she supposed a part of her would always seek him out and try and save him, if only to reach the shadows of him that plagued her mind when she was younger.

'_It seems that I was apt in likening him to Sasuke,'_ she thought smirking to herself. Still, it was unbelievable that she was getting along so well with her kidnappers, even going so far to compare Hisoka to one of her best friends. But then again, had things been different, who knows? Maybe she would've been best friends with them as well.

"We're getting closer," he told her, the sound of his voice pulling her from her thoughts. Caught off-guard, she stumbled on one of the tree roots snaking across the old merchant path they were travelling on. Hisoka caught her by the arm.

"Are you praying for your rescue team?" he asked her quietly, voice gliding over her ears as smooth as water. It reminded her of Kakashi.

"I have complete faith in my team. I'm more worried about you three. You are dealing with the leader of Team 7, and no doubt my two other idiots are on the team as well," she huffed. Kami knew, whenever Sakura was in trouble, Sasuke and Naruto would fight heaven and earth to save her. Tsunade would've been no match in trying to keep them off the team.

Hisoka replied to her comment with a small quirk of his lips. "Is that so?" he drawled lazily, seemingly having gone back to his same mysterious demeanor. This reminded her of Kakashi too. In retrospect, many things about him reminded her of Kakashi.

Instantly, at the thought of Kakashi's name, the memories flashed and flickered in her mind. It was like something was bubbling towards the surface, but like before, they were too fast to catch and the memories slipped through her fingers back to the abyss from whence they came. It seemed like it was something important, but for the life of her, she couldn't figure out what.

The swinging tilt of her center of gravity immediately brought her back to the old merchant path. "What are you doing?"

"Carrying you," Atsushi answered with his usual cheesy grin. Hisoka, walking beside them, offered an explanation.

"You seemed tired. I asked Atsushi to carry you."

"Put me down!" she shouted, slapping at Atsushi who gently placed her back on the ground. Straightening her dress, she quickly turned to the object of her annoyance.

"Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I can't walk," she said glaring at Hisoka before turning to Atsushi. "And you. Don't carry me. I don't care what your captain tells you. You are the first line of defense in case of attack and you certainly can't fight with me in your hands. And what would you three do if your pregnant hostage was killed? Ever think of that?"

By the time she finished lecturing them, Atsushi was still standing where he had stopped in the road, lips quivering and eyes teary as he tried to deal with the fact he had disappointed the nice lady with the baby in her stomach. Kakeru, seeing his friend's, distress, went to his side to comfort him.

"Our apologies, Sakura-san. We humbly ask for forgiveness," he said bowing his head, catching Sakura off-guard. If this had been Naruto or Sasuke, they would've thrown a fit and lectured her about her own well-being. Never in a million years would she have expected an apology. In fact, Kakeru's politeness reminded her much of the late Hyuuga Neji's own propensity for manners and decorum in all situations, and for a few seconds, her mind chased memories of Konoha's bright blue skies.

"Sakura-san?"

Sakura blinked, the skies swallowed by the darkness of the insides of her eyelids, and she turned to see Kakeru's puzzled and slightly worried gaze. Briefly, the idea ghosted over her mind that if Sai were here with her, he'd have the same expression on his face.

Realizing he was waiting for an answer, Sakura quickly collected herself. They were marching towards a battle and she was disturbing their focus. If Kakeru got killed because her lack of response had plagued his mind, she would never forgive herself.

"Apology accepted," she answered. Her words were somewhat stiff and a look of hesitance ghosted over his face. Hisoka, however, waved at Kakeru to move on. With a quick nod to the captain, the group reassembled to their traveling formation.

"Are you sure you don't need help?" Hisoka asked after a few minutes of travel. He had fallen back to walk with her. Sakura looked up at him from the corner of her eyes.

"I don't need your help. I may be pregnant, but I'm a kunoichi first—as well as your hostage. You shouldn't be so kind to me—not that I don't appreciate it or anything!—It's just…you don't have to worry about me. I'll be fine."

At her reassurance, Hisoka smiled mysteriously once more. "Yes. I guess I shouldn't."

At his quiet musing, Sakura glanced at him from the corners of her eyes. His voice had taken on a strange tone and his eyes seemed to be far away in some mix of memory and emotion. But before she could ask him about it, he leapt ahead and took the lead position with Atsushi acting as a barrier between them.

The group traveled on in silence.

* * *

The walk after Sakura's lecture was uneventful. Atsushi made no more attempts to carry her and Hisoka made no attempts to reclaim his previous post or order Atsushi to carry her. The trees stretched endlessly upon themselves in the forest.

The path they were travelling had once been a trade route for merchants since there was a fast flowing river in this area. However, a few decades ago, a bridge was erected across it and the path fell into disuse. There were still some farming communities that still used this road from time to time, and Kakeru told her that not too far ahead would be a clearing surrounded by trees that would serve as the meeting place. It was a remote area that at one time, was the worship site of some kami for a small farming village. When the harvest went bad, the villagers destroyed the shrine and eventually left the village entirely. As for how Kakeru knew, he told her that he was from the Land of Grass and said nothing more.

Taking in the forestry around them, Sakura realized they were getting closer. The path was becoming more covered by the grasses and she could feel a faint breeze come at her through the gaps in the densely packed trees. Atsushi began fidgeting, teeth chattering as he walked and glancing behind her, she watched Kakeru's Adam's apple bob once again as he swallowed nervously. Beads of sweat ran down sides of his face and by the way he was flexing his fingers, his palms were sweaty too. However, Hisoka remained ever impassive and unnerved.

Quickening her steps, she raced to catch him, thankful when he slowed his pace slightly for her. But even before she fully reached his side, his voice shot down any chance of her aim, "I've already told you once. I'm not discussing my past with you and I don't need the likes of you praying for my soul." Pausing, he leaned down until they were nose-to-nose. "Stop asking," he warned.

With that, he continued his pace, but even then, he could feel her stare burning into his back. He shifted his shoulders uncomfortably. Ahead, Kakeru and Atsushi continued towards the meeting place, oblivious to the antics going on behind them. Hisoka hoped to keep it that way.

The dark-haired nin continued his pace, trying not to fidget under the gaze slowly burrowing under his skin uncomfortably as he ignored her. But it was there, always there. Even when he glanced back over his shoulder, her distant gaze merely turned up listlessly from his back to his face. Her eyes met his dazedly, like two shining glass mirrors; it was more like she was looking through him rather than at him, and it unnerved him, made him feel things he thought he'd long buried. What was more was that she didn't seem to know she was doing it at all.

"Why do you want to know so much? What is it about me that you want to know?" he asked, a hint of frustration in his voice as he turned to face her.

At his question, Sakura leapt slightly in surprise—she hadn't expected him to talk to her about this subject again—her mind suddenly went blank. She knew it was partly due to her feelings of Sasuke leaving that she was asking him this. However, it wasn't the only reason, but exactly what that other reason was, she couldn't exactly describe.

"Curiosity," she replied stiffly. It wasn't the truth, but it wasn't a lie either. She was curious about his past, but she doubted it breached into the realm of morbid curiosity. Hisoka seemed to doubt it as well, but he didn't say anything and stepping around her, began walking once more. Following his lead, Atsushi quickly assumed his position behind his captain. Sakura watched him hasten his steps to follow; in the back of her mind, Sakura wondered if she would ever find out.

"Sakura-san?"

Turning her head to the voice, she realized it was Kakeru. "Shall we move on?" he asked politely, a hand extended invitingly to their path. Sakura nodded slowly. Now was not the time to be thinking about these things.

Slowly, but surely, Sakura began to put more distance between her and where she had stopped them. Kakeru was a respectful distance behind her and she could tell by the small flickers on her skin that he was scanning her for fatigue. However, he did not speak to her at all; in a way, he was like a shadow. Hisoka and Atsushi continued their position at the front.

"If you don't mind me asking, Sakura-san…why do you wish to know Captain's past so much? I couldn't help but overhear. "

Kakeru was now at her side and looking up, she realized the eyes she thought were originally black were actually a very dark forest green.

"You all have been very kind to me," she began, "you've fed me, kept me warm, and even carried me when we were travelling. Despite being your hostage, you've treated me as if I were one of you. I'm very grateful for what you've done, and I don't want to forget you."

"You say that as if we're going to lose."

At the sound of Hisoka's voice, she looked up. There was a small smirk on his lips, a calm air floating around him. The cockiness of his tone forced a few chuckles from his teammates but she knew his remark was only to raise the spirits of his team. They were going to die on this battlefield. It would be a miracle if they survived. Hisoka seemed to know this as well.

"Do you really think it's wise to tell them that?" she whispered, catching up to him when he slowed his strides.

Hisoka shrugged beneath his cloak. "Do you think they'd feel any better if I hadn't? We sent that letter with the full expectation of dying today, but if I can keep the shadow of death from their minds, I will. They are good men. I don't want them to suffer any longer than they have to."

"How generous of you."

Hisoka chuckled emptily. "I'd like to think so," he answered. "In any event, I doubt you'll ever forget us. This will make for an interesting story to tell your child when they are born and chances are, you'll have to recount this story more than you'd like."

"Are you speaking from experience when you say that?"

Hisoka frowned. "Are you implying that I am?"

It was Sakura's turn to frown. "It seems like you are, but what do I know? I'm only a hostage."

Hisoka sighed in aggravation. "Why do you want to know so desperately? What about my past fascinates you so much? And don't give me that bull about wanting to pray for my soul or wanting something fond to remember me by. Tell me the real reason."

"I've already told you."

"Then repeat it. Tell me again. Tell me why you want to know," he hissed.

"Because I want to know. You're too nice to be a nuke-nin, so what happened to you? Why did you become this way?"

Hisoka laughed. "Even if I tell you, what can you do? The past is done and this is who I am now."

"I can remember you as who you are, and not the person who want to make yourself out to be."

Her words made him stop dead in his tracks, forced him to turn and meet her gaze, eyes as unwavering as her words. He chuckled to himself and in his eyes, she could see that he was conflicted. Her words had done as much damage as if she had stabbed him while looking him in the eyes and saying she loved him. She could see he didn't know what to do, how to react when she had said that with such sincerity. He knew he couldn't laugh, so he did the only thing he could.

"That bleeding heart of yours is going to kill you one day," he told her with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

She nodded. She'd been told that by many people over the years, but there was something in the way he said it that made her think there was more that he wanted to say because she had seen the flashes in his eyes, and for the briefest moment, she saw the loss and sadness frozen in his gaze.

She opened her mouth, about to demand an explanation when he suddenly stopped behind her and raised a hand to halt.

In his typical low timber, he stated tonelessly, "We're here."

Hisoka remained in front of her, Atsushi and Kakeru now at his side. Despite their heights, Sakura could still see the clearing through the gaps in their bodies.

The clearing was small, possibly the size of a baseball field. Trees surrounded the clearing and looking up, Sakura could see the clouds beginning to block out the sun. Like the merchant path they took to get there, the ground was barren save for a few blades of grass; the purification salts used for the rituals by the villagers having made the grounds inhospitable to life.

"Sakura-chan!"

She knew that voice and clambering to get a view of his face, Sakura pushed down Kakeru's arm and nearly cried. "Naruto!" she shouted happily, a rush of emotions causing tears to dot the edges of her eyes. Naruto…it was so good to see him.

Spotting Naruto, she scanned the area for the others, wondering where they were hidden. Briefly, she thought about how Hisoka must have been doing the same, but the feelings of excitement brimmed within her. Her retrieval team was here. Naruto was here, and with it came the fluttering beating heart of nostalgia and memories.

Suddenly a cold hand gripped her heart. She continued to scan the trees urgently, this time out of worry. In her excitement of reuniting with her friends, she had briefly forgotten the three nuke-nin standing between her and her fellow Konoha nin. However, reality had come down in a sobering wave. Apprehension weaved between her veins. She could see Naruto and Sasuke easily standing where the trees gave way opposite their side of the field. The others of the party weren't as visible. Where was their back up? Where was he? Where was—?

"You've arrived." Hisoka's calm comment ruptured the tense air, sending waves of nervousness skittering through all their veins. Following his focused, mildly mocking gaze, she saw him.

There, across the field from her, was Hatake Kakashi.


	19. Drowned

A/N: The long-awaited battle scene. I made Kakeru's battle scene long to help show a passage of time, and ended up giving Kiba and Genma more screen time in the process. Honestly, I didn't realize it would spin out to be the 28 pages it turned out to be. Truth be told, I have had the end scene planned for almost three years now and I channeled my inner Buffy fan for it since that is where I drew most of my inspiration for this. If it seems random to you, I have been dropping clues since the middle of the story, so it might be a good idea to reread Fix You and look at them.

Also, I've fixed Sakura's OOCness last chapter as pointed out by some of you. I realize now that I rushed to post last chapter and I apologize for showing you incomplete work. My past failure is pretty much why I took so long to finish this chapter. As some of you know, this kind of story isn't easy to write and is highly taxing emotionally, but I wanted everything to be perfect. Now, there will only be two chapters left.

**Warning:** This chapter contains dark psychological themes and graphic violence, and I mean _**graphic.**_ (If any of you read Sea Foam, you know my affinity for gore.) If you wish not to read it, skip the scenes with Kiba and begin at the next scene involving Kakashi.

* * *

_Last time:_

_Apprehension weaved between her veins. She could easily see Naruto and Sasuke standing where the trees gave way opposite their side of the field. The others of the party weren't as visible. Where was their back up? Where was he? Where was—?_

"_You've arrived." Hisoka's calm comment ruptured the tense air, sending waves of nervousness skittering through all their veins. Following his focused, mildly mocking gaze, she saw him. _

_There, across the field from her, was Hatake Kakashi._

* * *

Chapter 19: Drowned

.

.

.

Sakura stared at the man across the field from her. She saw his tall stature, the familiar uneven shock of grey hair, the firmly-clenched jaw of her rescuer; the man she called her husband and her friend. Though she knew and fully expected Kakashi to be part of her rescue team—she would've been more shocked if he hadn't been—it was still surreal to think of him as there. She could feel her heart beat in her chest—a feeling that was almost akin to love and excitement at seeing his face, and yet, oddly enough, not quite that.

Perhaps it was this odd emotion that was making her act strange then. After all, the man she married herself off to was ready to risk his life for her and she knew the threat of death loomed over him, hovering like a knife poised to strike, yet it all felt so distant. All she could bring herself to do was gawk and not utter a word.

Hisoka's voice brought her back to reality.

"You four. Get down from there."

Nothing. A small wrinkle creased Hisoka's brows as he threw three shuriken into the foliage. A hollow 'thunk' told him they had hit their mark in the trunks of the trees he'd been aiming at, producing Lee, Genma, and Kiba with Akamaru at his side.

"Hatake Kakashi," the dark-haired man greeted calmly, holding the silver-haired nin's gaze.

At the sound of Hisoka's voice, Akamaru growled low in his throat. Kakashi ignored the sound and kept his gaze on the man. "Are you the one who sent the letter?"

"Yes," he replied as Naruto quietly scanned over the group responsible for kidnapping Sakura. The one in the vest reminded him of the Idiot Brothers he faced as a genin, while the green-haired one seemed almost identical to Sai. The leader, however, took him most for surprise. Given his description, he expected the leader to this missing-nin cell to be bigger, more muscular; this man's frame was only slightly larger than his own. However, he knew he shouldn't be so quick to judge. After all, the person responsible for destroying Konoha and putting Tsunade into a coma all those years back was a mere skeleton of a man who could barely function without the help of a machine.

Silence. A breeze crossing the clearing rippled what little grass there was in the ground; Kakashi stared ahead unwaveringly. "Let Sakura go."

"How direct," Hisoka smiled. "However, you must have known that coming here would've meant a fight. I must avenge my fallen comrades after all, and it wouldn't be as fun if I just surrender her to you. Besides, how often does one get the opportunity to fight against the legendary Hatake Kakashi?"

Kakashi held firm. "Let Sakura go."

Hisoka smirked. "A man who knows what he wants. I respect that. However, if you want her, you'll have to take her back."

"You bastard!"

"Naruto!" Genma shouted, but it was too late. Naruto had already begun charging across the field. Though he knew that it wasn't part of the plan, Naruto just couldn't do it. He couldn't just stand there and be so close to her without doing anything. He missed her—they all did—and he'd be damned if those three were going to stop him.

Immediately, Kakeru and Atsushi went to cover their leader, eyes trained on the fast-approaching blonde. Closing his eyes, Hisoka inhaled a calm even breath. Slowly opening his eyes, the battle began with a single command.

"_Go."_

* * *

Naruto stared down at the ground, air whipping between his legs. After hearing the order, he'd followed Sai's look-alike into the air; however, the green-haired man and the other man in the yellow vest were now nowhere to be seen, leaving an opening to their leader. Given their teams' numbers, he wasn't surprised that the men would be distracted by his teammates. Though it was strange that they'd leave their leader open to attack, Naruto would take any chance handed to him.

His ascent steadily increasing in speed, he trained his eyes on the dark-haired man in front of Sakura. His eyes fell to the sword that had remained in his hilt. They'd all seen it when the group arrived at the clearing, and he wondered why Hisoka hadn't drawn it yet. In any event, he was wary of it. Though swords were commonplace in battle, he'd seen a variety of blades with special properties over his lifetime and he wasn't about to let his guard down around this one.

Pulling his fist back, he twisted his body to ready his punch. If he could time his punch correctly, he could snatch Sakura and run her back to Kakashi's side, but everything about this seemed too easy.

Just then, the man with the vest appeared, blocking the path. Naruto's eyes widened for a second, but narrowed. Like hell he was going to let some fatso get between him and rescuing one of his best friends, and with that, he let his hand fly into the man's stomach only for it to bounce off harmlessly.

The man giggled. "Hehe, that tickles. How did you know Atsushi was ticklish?" he giggled as Naruto stared up at the man bewilderedly. His punch didn't work? And it made him…laugh?

"Oh, I'll give you something to laugh about," he muttered as he reeled back for another punch. It hit its target and Naruto smiled for a second as he felt it connect with the man's round stomach, only to realize something was wrong. A look of horror flitted over his face.

'_It's stuck,'_ he thought as he frantically tried to dislodge his hand. Atsushi merely chuckled at Naruto's actions and smiled gleefully. "My turn!" he said jovially as he extended his hands out at his sides, palms open. With that smile on his face, he let his hands fly towards the center and Naruto watched, shocked, as they came towards his face.

'_Come on! Come on!'_ he thought as he desperately pulled at his hand as Atsushi's large hands came towards his face. He didn't know about Atsushi too much. The bingo book had very little written about him, but there had been a warning to watch out for his physical attacks. The only problem was that he didn't know what to look out for, but it didn't stop his blood from chilling as the hands were only mere inches from his face.

A sudden jerk and Naruto found himself becoming dislodged as he watched the hands come together where his face had just been. The clap sent out a boom of air that sent him and his rescuer flying. Had his head still been there, it would've surely popped like a grape.

Landing on a nearby tree branch, Naruto grinned, wiping away a trail of saliva. "Thanks teme," he said before turning to the man on the ground still searching for where he had gone. "What the hell was that?"

"From what I could tell, that wasn't from chakra manipulation. It's his own strength," he explained as his mind mentally flipped through the medical reports stuffed into the files Tsunade had given for this mission. This explained the carnage in the coroner report photos, and why the only witness died shortly after giving that warning. This "Atsushi" was extremely strong, and if a mere clap could send them flying back, there was no telling what a punch from him could do.

"I could've told you that!" Naruto shouted. "My question is how do we touch him? Our only way to Sakura is through him and my punch only tickled him while the second one nearly got my hand eaten off. _My hand was in his gut, teme._ And that clap sent us _flying._"

To this, Sasuke nodded gravely. This would certainly be a problem.

* * *

Pine branches whipped Kiba's face, breath coming out in harsh pants as he fled into the forest for cover.

'_What the hell was that guy?'_

"That guy" was the green-haired shinobi of the enemy group. He'd introduced himself as Kakeru—a fact that Kiba found strange since no shinobi he knew was ever polite in battle. Courtesy was a waste in their line of work, but Kakeru seemed to throw all of that out the window. When Kiba frowned at the smell of the scent bomb used to ruin his clan's tracking senses, Kakeru even apologized to him for the choice of perfume he used; and for a few seconds, Kiba actually felt guilty for his crude behavior.

But that was only the beginning; and in the world of ninja, first impressions are generally wrong.

Kiba didn't remember much of it—it came in fragments that shot out through the darkness clouding his mind—only that they arrived at a clearing in the forest where it looked like a village used to be before Kakeru said something about "taking too long" and "Hisoka not liking him to dawdle" and pulled out a flute.

The item, a small greyish-brown pipe in his hand, seemed completely innocuous. Kiba remembered making a crack at it—something about Kakeru serenading them in addition to the politeness he'd shown them, a barb for Kiba's hurt pride at this farce of a battle. By this point, Lee had long-since shed the weights he wore and moved in to strike…

…only to be savagely leg-hammered away, smashing through the trees before skidding to a halt kilometers away. By the time they found him, he was a bloody broken mess of fractures and ruptures, but he was still alive and Kiba was thankful for small miracles.

But that was just the beginning. Not only was Kakeru strong, he was fast. When Genma threw three kunai at the man, he had quickly fended them off with a blur of his hand. Kunai, wire trips, paper bombs—he had rendered them all useless. Both long-range and short-range attacks weren't working; and just when they thought it couldn't get any worse, he lifted the flute to his lips.

It was a short, sharp trill, Kiba remembered. It shot out like a bomb blast, rattling the branches and shaking leaves to the ground. The sound was bright, clear, and haunting, and it would've been almost beautiful if it hadn't been so cripplingly painful that they had to cover their ears; Akamaru howled in agony.

Slowly, steadily, more notes were added as the two men tried to figure out what Kakeru was doing. If it was a death knell, they would've been dead a long time ago. A summon was the next possibility, but he hadn't pulled out a scroll or given payment. Besides, what could he possibly summon out here in the middle of nowhere?

They found out soon enough as a hand gripped his ankle from underneath. Shocked, the men stared frozen with fear at the ground as more limbs emerged from the soil.

Because really, it would be Kiba's luck that their enemy was a flute-wielding necromancer.

The limbs and half-rotted bodies came with no end in sight. Apparently, they were fighting on the village's burial site where a massive crop blight had occurred, leaving many to die of famine. Playing his flute, Kakeru continued to raise his undead army, restless spirits flying up to swirl in a crowd above their heads as he cackled over the idea of the dead villagers consuming his enemy alive. Under his breath, Kiba heard Genma curse over being so easily separated from the others into this trap.

The villagers climbed their bodies like ivy; clammy, spongy digits hooking into skin and clothes as the corpses pulled their way up the Leaf Nins' bodies and the blue-white figures above swirled and morphed in their cloud to the soft dulcet sounds of the flute. A change in the song made the spirits strike, Genma and Kiba hissing as the mass of spirits raked their skin, littering their bodies with scratches and gashes. Genma made a blind grab towards one of them, only to feel wisps of cold air float between his fingers. Through the howls and screams of the ghosts, Kiba could faintly make out Akamaru's whines of pain.

Most of the battle went like that, Kakeru dealing out blows while they just took it because how do you fight an enemy that was already dead? Their attempts to repel the enemy were futile. The zombies may have been easy, but the ghosts were harder, passing through them just like winter air and leaving their bodies a little bloodier, a little more tired than before.

Genma was a leader through and through though, reminding Kiba to keep his head as he tried to hack at the gnarled limbs binding his ankles, punching the head off a woman to prevent another bite to his injured shoulder. In a way, it was a relief that Genma was still with him to make him keep his head straight.

But that relief was short-lived. After all, leaders are the first targets in any attack after the medic; and just as they freed themselves to regroup in the trees, Kakeru caught Genma with a bit of chakra-wire, binding his arms and legs before reeling him in like a fish and flinging him over a branch of a tree. From the cover of the trees, Kiba could see the chakra-wire glint around Genma's body in the low sunlight, catching in Kakeru's crazed eyes, an entirely different person from the man apologizing to Kiba about perfume only a few minutes earlier.

Blood rushed to Genma's face. Above his eye, ruby liquid poured from a gash where he had struck a rock while being dragged. Staring at the Leaf shinobi eye-to-eye, Kakeru merely laughed as he shook off some blood that had fallen on his sandals, kicking a head that had rolled his way.

"You know I was one of the body collectors back when I was still in Anbu?" Kakeru began conversationally. "You won't believe how much blood I saw back then. Grass is so much easier to dispose of bodies. All those swampy marshes are great for dumping corpses in, but when you start getting to the outskirts and into other countries, we don't have that luxury. We use ravens like everyone else. After my wife and kids died, they became like my second family.

"When I was on the run, I didn't have the luxury of waiting for the person to die before letting my ravens go at them, so I trained them. Now they'll eat a person's flesh, even if they're still alive," he told them.

Kakeru lifted one arm gracefully up to the sky, a raven flying down to perch on his hand. "I have at least forty-three in my arsenal. As a warning, they haven't been eating much lately. Maybe after I'm done with you, I'll let them eat your little friends too. And that dog…he should feed them for a while," Kakeru said thoughtfully.

In a move that Kiba approved of, Genma told him what he thought of that idea by spitting on him. "You'll never find them."

Kakeru merely gave an indulgent smile as he wiped the blood on his shirt. "Oh really? If I remember correctly, there's that one boy that I kicked. He can't move, so it doesn't matter when I find him. Actually, it'll be more fun for me; like a treasure hunt!"

Genma's eyes widened. "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, you'd be surprised what I will and won't do," he purred as he lifted his raven up. It readied its wings and with two flaps of its wings, launched itself at its prey, digging its beak into the first piece of exposed flesh it could find.

Kiba could only stare in astonishment as the raven plunged its beak into the raw flesh of Genma's shoulder, drawing an anguished scream from his friend. His face flushed with anger. How any human being could do this to another person was beyond him. Sure, there weren't many laws governing battle conduct, but this was outrageous. Suddenly, Kiba's vision went white with rage.

The next thing he knew, he was dropping his arm to catch the flute he'd sent Akamaru to retrieve as the sound of a shadow clone popped in the distance.

Now he was running through the trees for his life, leg occasionally bumping into Akamaru—a reassurance that his friend was still there. Branches and twigs slapped his face, razing his skin. His wounds were beginning to clot, the flowing air from his speed making them sting as blood splattered across his face when a branch hit his skin the wrong way. His cheek twitched occasionally—he'd gotten a few scratches on his face, it seemed—but nothing would make him stop. As long as he had the flute, he had control of the situation.

But what control was that? Lee was just barely out of danger; he had no sense of smell; those damn spirit things had robbed him of all his weaponry and scattered them to Kami-knew-where; and Genma was still hanging upside-down from a tree branch. Even if he did have the flute, he was on the run from its sadistic-unstable-necromancer of an owner with no clue how to use it and no way to get out of this mess.

Kiba glanced down at the flute in his hand. This was what Kakeru used to control the cloud of ghosts above their heads; if he could figure out how to use this, he could turn the tide of the entire battle; and in all honesty, as a member of a clan family, where mastery of musical instruments was the norm, he should've known how to. Hinata herself was a master of three instruments.

Too bad for him, he had failed to master any, let alone three. He had been so terrible as a child; he was only allowed to play the recorder.

"A wind instrument is a wind instrument, right? It's the same family, so it shouldn't be too different," Kiba told himself. Trying to conjure up his past lessons, he covered the holes at random, experimenting with the sounds as he gritted through every off-key note he played. The closest thing he got to a result was when he'd managed to summon the cloud towards him, and he'd just barely managed to redirect the eerie stream back into the air when Akamaru began barking wildly.

"Not bad. I'm impressed," Kakeru said with a genuine note of pride in his voice as he hung lazily against a nearby tree trunk, "If you hadn't switched your fingering in time, they would've shredded you. Now give it back before you do something you really regret."

'_I'm regretting it already,'_ Kiba thought dismally as he stared into the eyes of his enemy, the orbs peering back at him like a cat who had finally found an escaped mouse it'd been playing with. At his side, Akamaru growled threateningly and the thought of how comforting his dog's presence at his side was drifted over Kiba's mind. However, it was only that thought that would appear. Nothing would come to him. The fact that Kakeru was looking at him with a thin patience did not help either.

And so, he did the first thing that came to mind. He ran.

* * *

Trees passed by him in a blur of shadows and greens as he flew through the forest. Twigs snapped against his arms, scratching his skin, his arms, his face. His heart beat in his head; his throat burned; he was running at twice his previous speed and he would've been impressed with himself if he hadn't been so fucking terrified out of his mind.

In the distance, the sounds of tree branches snapping like the rapid fire of a machine gun reached him. Kakeru was already on the move; he hadn't even waited. His voice through the trees chased him.

"You think just because you can control my cloud, you can save yourselves? You still have my crows to deal with and you're not going to be able to stop them. The only way they'd stop is if something more appetizing came their way!"

Briefly, an image of what Genma must have been going through at that moment flashed before Kiba's mind, but he quickly shoved it aside, refocusing his attention to the flute. Their only hope for going back home was for him to figure this thing out.

Rearranging his fingers in a different position than before, he blew as softly as he could into the instrument, drawing a faint sound. Above him, the cloud shifted north-northwest just as he wanted it to. At the sight, his spirits began to rally and he turned to his right to share his excitement with Akamaru. His friend seemed to sense this and gave a toothy grin in return…

Only to suddenly disappear from the tree line.

The shock of Akamaru disappearing nearly made Kiba fall out of the trees. Panic welled in his throat. Skidding to a halt, he stretched his senses to find where Akamaru had gone, the sound of snapping twigs and heavy thudding landings reaching back to him before he heard a quick 'snap' and the sound of something with heavy tension.

His fears of Akamaru slipping and falling to his death slipped back into the darkness of Kiba's mind; he'd been caught by something and relief washed over him when he heard Akamaru's familiar high-pitched whine.

However, his relief was short-lived as reason took over. Kakeru was not far behind, and the fact he could capture Akamaru meant that he'd been able to see them—he'd been close enough to kill them, but he'd only captured Akamaru, leaving Kiba to run alone in the dark tree line and that fact unnerved him.

'_Sorry boy. I'll try to find you later. I promise.'_

It tore him up inside to have to abandon his best friend, but there was no way he'd be able to rescue his friend if Kakeru caught him. Refocusing his attention to the task at hand, he shifted his fingers and blew into the flute, watching as the cloud swirled in the air before striking a tree 50 meters to his left, right where he wanted.

Noting his finger position, Kiba felt a familiar bubbling sensation in his chest. He could already taste the relief at the end of the battle—of when this nightmare would over and they could all go home with Sakura and laugh. He knew the battle was far from over, but for the moment, he felt invincible and he couldn't help the grin that split across his face.

"You're happy."

And Kiba could only turn in mute horror to the image of Kakeru squatting on the tree trunk, his hand on the flute. Despair overwhelmed him; in his head, he could hear himself curse, torn between the unfairness of it all and his head's command to run, but he was frozen in place. Paralyzed by shock and fear, he only had time to experience the numbing feeling of his heart plummeting in his chest before he felt a pressure point touched and his eyes rolled back into his head, the picture of Kakeru's cruel, faintly amused smile the last thing he saw before he finally blacked out.

* * *

Sakura stared at the field from behind Hisoka. Since the groups' separation, neither Kakashi nor Hisoka had moved a muscle and a tense silence blanketed the area. In the distance, a series of explosions rippled the air, echoing back to them.

"Sounds like our teammates are having fun with each other," Hisoka commented dryly.

"I suppose," was Kakashi's terse reply.

Suddenly, a kunai came sailing through the field. Raising his hand, Hisoka deflected it with his hand guard as Kakashi quickly closed the distance between them, kunai in hand.

'_A distraction,'_ Hisoka observed, watching as Kakashi's kunai came closer and closer to throbbing blood vessels in his neck. At their close distance, he could see the look of determination in the Copy Nin's eyes, as well as a brief look of elation because it might be over…

Only for the kunai to be deflected by a sword. A brief look of surprise flitted over Kakashi's face before leaping back as three more Hisokas appeared on the field. _'So he's capable of doing jutsu one-handed?'_

The thought was cut short however as Kakashi leapt up to dodge a sword slash from one of the clones, sending him into a shower of kunai, cursing as he was forced into the trees.

Sakura watched as Kakashi ran towards the treetops, flinching when she heard the clashing of metal and saw the brief sparks of light fly in the air. Branches and leaves rained from the sky as the shriek of metal and sounds of cracking wood pinged back and forth overhead. It was impossible to get a precise reading of their location—the tree cover was just too dense—but it seemed that all of Kakashi's advances towards them were being repelled. The closest of his attacks was forty meters north-northeast, and while the distance was close enough for a pang of hope to throb in her throat, she and Hisoka hovered at the edge of the field, just outside of the raining debris and Kakashi's reach.

That didn't mean he could never get to her though. The space between each meeting of flesh on flesh was getting shorter, and the sounds of screeching ringing metal were coming closer and closer.

"Your husband is quite determined to have you back."

At the comment, Sakura couldn't help the tiny quirk at the corner of her mouth. "I'm not surprised. Kakashi can be very stubborn," she smiled, marveling at the soothing drop of calm that resonated in her.

He stole a glance of her from over his shoulder. "You're very fond of him," he observed.

Though she knew he couldn't see it, Sakura gave a tentative nod. In the back of her mind, she wondered why Hisoka phrased his comment that way—that she was "very fond" of Kakashi rather than "love him"—while another part wondered why she seemed a bit relieved at the peculiar wording. It wasn't as though she detested Kakashi. In truth, she cared about him and respected the man she was married to, but "love" sat oddly in the pit of her stomach. Still…

"I wouldn't have married him if I didn't like him," she said at last.

To her surprise, Hisoka gave a small, quiet laugh, and Sakura watched spellbound at the rhythmic bounce of his shoulders. "My fiancé used to say the same about me," he said a bit remorsefully.

While he hadn't turned to face her, Sakura could imagine the look on his face as he waded through his old memories. In the clearing, the pop of a clone echoed in the silence like a temple gong; Kakashi was coming. Now, it was just a waiting game.

Back still to her, Sakura watched as Hisoka shifted his feet, bracing himself in the dirt. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides.

"You want to know about me, right?"

The question had caught her off-guard, spoken like an afterthought. There was a strange edge in Hisoka's voice that she wasn't used to hearing, and she blinked as if in a dream. "What…?"

"Before I ever became a rogue-nin, I was an Anbu operative for a small ninja village in the North near Yukigakure," he began. "One day, I was given a mission to destroy a neighboring village to prevent a possible uprising against us. Not wanting to be unprepared, I decided to do some reconnaissance of the area.

"But something was wrong. What the file listed as a rogue ninja village was nothing more than a gathering of dilapidated huts. I thought it was a ruse, but the longer I stayed, the more apparent it wasn't. The rogue ninjas were nothing more than emaciated villagers. All of them were coughing blood, and in the autopsies I performed, there were abnormalities in their renal systems: the blood vessels were fissured and every liver cell I looked at was shriveled despite no obvious exposure to the elements or dehydration—and the bronchial nodes had all filled and crusted with blood and pus.

"I immediately returned to the village to report it to my superior. Those people didn't need to be eradicated; they needed our help, and for my trouble, I was demoted for 'disobeying orders' while the mission was passed onto someone 'more qualified.'

"After that, I was relegated to desk work. No missions came my way, and the situation seemed hopeless. The only thing that kept me going was my girlfriend, but I never told her what was wrong. I didn't want to make Shiori worry when even I wasn't sure what I was worrying over—if perhaps I had been wrong and that village had been a threat to our security.

"I found my answer a few weeks later when I found a document mixed into one of the files I had been reading for work. It led me to a paper trail, and following it, it proved that I had been right. The rogue village wasn't a rogue village at all. It was the site of an illegal drug-test sponsored by a bio-engineering company in Yukigakure. They were making a biological warfare prototype for our village, but the company had gone bankrupt two months prior in a public scandal case. Funding had gone dry and the village leaders, wanting no evidence that they had been connected to it, wrote it off as a rogue village to be destroyed.

"Days later, I received my first mission in months to retrieve a scroll that had been left behind at a decommissioned border post. I should've been suspicious, but I was too glad to be out in the field again to even care. Combined with the fact my girlfriend and I were now engaged, I was on top of the world.

"The border post was two day trip to-and-from the village. Retrieving the scroll, I had planned to leave immediately, but the weather had soured and I had exhausted myself trying to get to the base to return by morning, so I spent the night in the woods and left that morning. On my way back, however, I was ambushed. They had been waiting for me all night, it seemed. If I hadn't rested, I would've never made it."

Hisoka gritted his teeth. "Once I saw their faces and recognized the village emblem, I knew what had happened. I was never supposed to come back. They had found out that I knew; the mission was just a ruse to get rid of me. I rushed home to warn Shiori to leave, but when I got back, it was all gone. The bodies of my friends were scattered on the dirt path in our neighborhood, and my house was in flames. Shiori only lived long enough to warn me that the village had put a bounty on my head before she died in my arms. No one deserves to die the way they did.

"With little holding me back, I decided to make them pay, and they did. I walked into their offices; I crept into their homes; I watched them say goodnight to their families, and then I slaughtered them like the cowards they were. I had been expecting a challenge, but greed seems to dull skill over time. Even when I shattered the bones in my left hand, it was only because I had hit the concrete floor underneath after pulverizing the elder's skull.

"As I stood there over the bloody smear of organs I had created on the floor, I realized that this is what I had vowed my life to, this selfish lump of pride and greed. You can do all the noble actions and use all the pretty words in the world to prove your loyalty to your home, but it means nothing to them. To your village, you're nothing but a tool to be used. Your loyalty is expendable, and once you lose your usefulness, you can be thrown away. I gave everything to my village, only for them to destroy everything I had; and I swore I would never let myself be used like that again.

"Shiori would probably roll in her unmarked grave if she saw me now," Hisoka said suddenly, the ghost of a smile on his lips. "She and you are actually quite similar. She wasn't a medic—she was a vet, actually—but you both have the same personality. You're both nosy and difficult and always more caring than you need to be.

Leaves rustled in the trees; the banshee wail of kunai scraping a sword preceded the appearance of another clone being kicked into the open, popping in the air. He turned to her. "I don't want to lose you like I did Shiori," he told her. "Start moving back the way we came. If we head to the East, we'll lose them within the hour."

Sakura stared at him, confused. She couldn't wrap her head around it. It was like something out of a bad romance novel. Hisoka was abandoning his men…to run away with her?

Disgust coiled in the pit of her stomach. Atsushi and Kakeru worshipped this man and he was willing to leave them like this?

She wanted to ask if this was a joke. Surely he was kidding—that this was just some horrible, horrible prank to distract her or something because this certainly couldn't be real—but one look at his face told her he wasn't. Suddenly, she regretted ever feeling sorry for the man.

"I'm not going with you."

At the edge in her voice, he smiled like a cat smiles at a mouse. "I understand. You have obligations," he said. As if on cue, the sound of a tree limb cracking split the air, revealing Kakashi as he flew towards them, kama in hand.

Hisoka reached back, placing his fingers on the plain handle of his blade. "No matter. I'll just have to break those bonds then." And then he drew his sword, flying up to meet Kakashi.

* * *

The first thing Kiba woke up to was the thick smell of blood. Even with his inability to smell, it was everywhere; in his throat, in his lungs; he could even taste it on his tongue. The copper taste rang through his head like a million pennies falling 'tic-tic-tic' against his teeth.

Slowly, he woke up to the small clearing where he first started. For a minute, he thought he'd dreamed up everything—that he hadn't actually stolen the flute or done all that because the entire thing seemed _ridiculous_—when he felt a heavy dull throb in his leg and a wheeze in his breathing that he didn't remember being there. His chest burned with every breath he took and he could only see clearly through his right eye. His mouth tasted heavily of metal and his hitai-ate was blood-stained, sitting limply in his lap. When had that fallen off?

"Ah, you're awake."

Looking up with his good eye, he watched Kakeru walk over to him, a smile on his face. "I thought you'd never wake up after I knocked you out."

Despite the cheery tone in his voice, there was a sense of foreboding in his words that made Kiba want to back away, only to find himself cornered by the tree he rested on.

"Of course, I had to punish you for stealing my flute—though it's quite impressive how you actually figured out how to use it. Most people never do—so while you were out, I took the liberty of breaking a few ribs. You'll find a spiral fracture on your left arm—I wouldn't move it if I were you. Very nasty business—and I twisted your ankle—you were awake for a few seconds for that, but the pain made you black out. I also smacked your head around, but of course, it's no fun to torture a person if they're not awake for it, so I moved onto your superior up here," he said, motioning to the man hanging in the tree.

Whatever image he had when he saw Genma again couldn't compare to the reality of it. Nausea churned savagely in his gut. His face, red from the blood rushing to his head, was covered in sores from the ravens. He was fading in and out of consciousness.

The crack of a whip resounded through the forest as Genma arched his back and screamed, beads of blood dripping on the wire to join the small red puddle under him.

"Ten minutes of whipping and he's never failed to give a response," Kakeru sighed almost dreamily before shaking his head. "But enough about that. You've been a very bad boy for giving me all that trouble and for that, you're dying last. But don't think I'm just going to kill you. No, you're going to _suffer_. I'm going to make you watch me kill your teammates, starting with your dog."

Before Kiba could even react, Kakeru was already besides the netted Akamaru and with a raise of his leg, crushed it straight into his ribs. Frozen in disbelief, Kiba couldn't even force himself to react as Kakeru repeated the action over and over again, Akamaru crying out in pain.

"Your dog is boring me. I thought dogs were supposed to be fun, but your superior was better. Genma, right?" he asked, crossing over and cracking the line of wire against the raw flesh of Genma's back. A spray of blood erupted into the air. Even with his untrained eye, he knew Genma wasn't going to last much longer. If he didn't get down soon, he'd die in this forest.

"Stop it. He can't take much more!"

"'_Stop it,'"_ Kakeru mocked, face wrinkling in disgust as he crossed over to him. "You make me sick—you call yourself a shinobi? And I thought the Inuzuka clan was supposed to be brave. Are they all cowards like you?"

Suddenly Kakeru was in his face; Kiba watched Genma's blood drip down Kakeru's nose.

"I know your type," he said, repulsed, "Brash, cocky, stupid. We had greens like you back when I was in Anbu. _They were always the first ones to go._ People like you need to learn their place. You think you know everything, but at the end of the day, _you're just a stupid pup_."

Kiba sat with his head hung, stung by Kakeru's words and his own helplessness. He knew that he was still green—he still hadn't gone on his own solo mission yet—but he'd always told himself that he'd get there someday. He had the strength to do it after all, he would tell himself, but where had that strength gone now? Even the bravado that had fed those baseless thoughts seemed to have evaporated, leaving him nothing but the reality of things. His team's lives were flickering out in front of him and the only reason he'd survived this long was because he was just damn good at being a coward. He wasn't strong at all; he was just a kid with an ego fattened by wealth and prestige of his family's name.

Still, even he had enough pride to know he had to do something.

"Stop it," he said, his tone as steely as a knife. He wanted to be helpful. He wanted to be useful. But with so many broken bones, all he could do was tell his enemy to stop like a petulant child. It was frustrating and disheartening—it was so pathetic that Kiba felt like laughing at himself.

At his words, Kakeru sent him a side glance. "What? Are you going to cry? Sorry kid, but the truth hurts. If you really think that being a shinobi means being the hero and saving the day, you're dead wrong. I don't know how you can be proud about being a ninja belonging to a village. We're just tools to them; nothing more."

At Kiba's snarling lip, the green-haired nin threw his head back with a laugh. "What? Can't take it? You can't handle the idea that your entire existence has been a lie? Disgusting. Disgusting. It's disgusting the way you people cling to your ideology, kissing ass and following the orders of people who can't even take a shit for themselves.

"I almost feel sorry for you. Hisoka is a god amongst men for letting us live freely," he said with glowing praise before letting his sinister eyes fall on Kiba again, half-nudging, half-kicking the man with his foot. Finding Kiba's limp hand, he ground the heel of his sandal into it, watching as the young pup squirmed in the dirt.

Lids lowering, he stared down at the boy, smirking. His sandal continued its methodical grind. "How does it feel to know that you're going to die soon and this was as far as you ever got? How does it feel to be _so weak?_"

"Shut up! Shut up! _Shut up!"_ Kiba roared.

Skidding to a stop, Kakeru dabbed at the cut on his cheek and tried to laugh off his unease. The cloud had evaporated; the crushed remnants of his flute that the boy managed to grab were scattered at his feet. His heartbeat thundered rapidly in his chest, but he ignored it, focusing on the young man leaning heavily on the tree. That boy wasn't supposed to be able to stand—his inverted ankle should be crippling him with pain—but there he was, glaring at him with a sense of foreboding that Kakeru swore the mouth of Hell itself. His killing intent was unnerving; Kakeru's nerves fidgeted under his skin.

'_No matter,'_ he thought with the briefest notions of panic setting in. His plans had been thrown off-kilter; and the tinges of fear made his eyes wide and flighty, but he still had a chance. If he used his crows to finish off the man in the tree and crush Kiba's spirit before finishing the dog, Kiba wouldn't be able to do a thing. He would erase Kiba's disgusting notions of loyalty and honor off the face of the earth, even if it killed him.

Kakeru's face split into a wide grin. "I'll kill you. I'll kill you!" It was perfect; his hands were already making the signs to summon his crows from the trees and he opened his mouth to call out the jutsu when his eyes caught movement and flecks of red filled the sky.

Kiba watched as Kakeru's body slumped backwards. Blood gushed from his lips and the hole in his throat where his windpipe used to be. Panting heavily, Kiba balanced himself against the tree and wiped the blood from his chin, finding the taste bitterer than he expected.

Faint movement caught Kiba's eye. Kakeru was twitching; he was still alive, but he'd be dead soon. Kakeru seemed to realize it too as his hands convulsed over his chest for air before the light died in his forest green eyes and his body was covered in a blanket of scavenging crows. Eyes still trained on the body, he spat out the last remaining fragments of flesh and cartilage onto the ground, watching as three crows swooped down to feast on the leftovers as he fished through the sea of feathers for a kunai to cut Genma down.

Genma's body fell with a dull, heavy sound; Kiba stared at the body with wobbling legs. He was unconscious but still breathing. The blood was already beginning to clot; if they stemmed the blood and got him to a medic soon, he would make it.

Lackluster, Kiba turned his head to check on the cawing birds. Even covered in crows, he could still see bits of Kakeru's cloak and hair peak through. It was strange. Now that the battle was over, the man who'd committed so many unspeakable acts of torture on his team seemed so much smaller now and it was surreal to think that they were the same mold. Even so, Kiba knew he'd never be like him; to torture someone just for the pure hell of it was unforgivable.

Eyes staring down at the fallen figure, he spit out one last bit of blood and wiped his mouth. "Disgusting," he intoned softly before finally collapsing from exhaustion and pain.

* * *

Sparks flew as Kakashi licked away the blood from his split lip. Stretching his senses, he could hear the cawing of a murder of crows as the faint uttering of a Katon jutsu reverberated through the trees, a thick acrid smoke billowing towards the sky.

"Eyes on me, Hatake," Hisoka ordered, bringing his tantō down, forcing Kakashi back. Using the momentum, he flipped backwards and rebounded off a tree, only for Hisoka to appear from above, kneeing him in the gut.

He landed on the forest floor with the wind knocked out of him. His back hurt and his vision swam. Blood was filling his mouth again and he had a scant second to raise his blade up to deflect a thrust aimed at his face.

Kakashi hissed as he fought Hisoka's press. His fingernails were biting into his palm through his gloves as the tantō blade balanced precariously between the kunai hilt and his fingers. His arms shook with exhaustion.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you not to bring a kunai to a sword fight?" Hisoka asked, bearing his weight down on the Copy Nin. He had half a mind to spit in his eye, but parried instead and swung his leg to kick the missing nin off of him, flinging him against a tree.

Standing on shaking legs, Kakashi drew down his mask briefly to clear his mouth, savoring the taste of fresh air on his copper-leaden tongue. He was battered and bruised. The fight with the clones had taken a lot out of him, and their battle was drawing out a lot longer than Kakashi thought it would. He figured that Hisoka would be slightly faster than him, but that gap was growing now.

And he was still out of range.

Hisoka was right about not bringing a kunai to a swordfight. That tantō of his was at least twice or three times as long as his kunai. There was no way of touching him; he was already risking his limbs just trying to fend the man off, even with his Sharingan tracking Hisoka's moves. The only way to get on even ground was to retrieve the fuma shuriken he'd lost in the trees, which would leave him vulnerable to Hisoka while he looked for the weapon.

Was it worth it, he asked himself. He could barely stand as it was; his body was bruised and beaten and even broken in some places, and he would be turning his back to the enemy, so was it worth the risk?

Unbidden, his gaze trailed to Sakura huddled at the edge of the field. He had his answer.

Now every seasoned shinobi knows how to read the flow of a battle and when a tide will turn. It could be the appearance of enforcements, the disappearance of a weapon, but more often than not, it was something in the air. There was no test, no sign to empirically prove it; they just knew, and Hisoka could sense the tide shifting here as well. Looking across the field, he eyed the Copy Nin critically as bi-colored eyes stared back. A measured gaze was exchanged before a shower of kunai flashed in the air, just missing Kakashi as he dashed into the trees.

"Damn it," Hisoka cursed softly to himself, looking up into the leaves. It was too dense to see through, and to follow him meant losing his hostage. He'd lost him…

...for now. Kakashi would have to come out sometime and Hisoka could be patient for that.

"Your husband is quite stubborn, isn't he?" Hisoka asked Sakura, goading.

In the trees above, Kakashi frowned to himself. Hisoka had the luxury of being noisy and it irked him that the dark-haired man could so easily consort with his wife. But he pushed the thought aside. He needed to concentrate if he wanted to find one of his fuma-shuriken.

He had brought three with him to the battle, but one had been flung clear out of the area when he deflected an attack from a clone near the start while he lost the other two in the foliage. His only hope was that they were close and not too entangled wherever they had landed.

He stretched his senses, peering into the darkness of the leaf cover. The area had been undisturbed for decades and the foliage was thick, even compared to Konoha's forests.

Suddenly he spotted it. Twenty meters ahead, there was an abnormality in the shadows, and he stole towards it, slipping under and over branches and twigs as easily as a snake. Cautiously, he surveyed the weapon with its four blades splayed out, frozen in the memories of battle. The damage wasn't too bad. Only one blade was stuck, embedded in the side of the tree at an angle, but just because it wasn't the worst-case-scenario didn't mean his troubles were over. The blade was still buried fairly deep and he was caged in by brittle twigs and stubborn branches that would give away his position if he wasn't careful.

A spot of sunshine peered out onto the metal and Kakashi caught the soft glow in the palm of his glove, peering out through the small gaps in the leaves towards the sky. Where it had been grey and overcast just a while ago, the sun now shone in waning afternoon light, and he recalled the temperamental weather conditions in Grass from the northern wind patterns. He would have to be careful about this; hopefully the weather would be kind to him.

Gently, Kakashi began tripping the pins holding the blades outwards, catching the blades to soften the noise as he folded the weapon. It would be easier to pull it out this way, and once all folded, he positioned himself just in front of the weapon, bracing his feet in the crooks of limbs. Sweat fell over his brow as he looked behind him at the sky. The winds were shifting quickly again, bringing thunderclouds across the sky; the sun was now shooting beams desperately through the dark. He had to time this carefully, and placing his hands on the weapon, he held his breath and prayed.

Blade in his hand, he had only seconds to run as Hisoka appeared behind him, a kunai in hand. At the miss, the man cursed and reached into his cloak, showering Kakashi in kunai as he defended with his folded shuriken. Quickly, he dashed for the open area of the ground as patches of sunlight danced over his face. A shadow appeared on his back and he dropped the shuriken under his body, swinging his arm for a satisfying right hook into the face of a clone.

Through the smoke that followed came the first blade, barely missing his stomach. Turning to his left, he spotted Hisoka as he sent out a wave of kunai followed closely another wave. Reaching into his pocket, Kakashi retrieved his own knife and fended them off, watching another one skated harmlessly over his vest.

And headed straight towards Sakura.

Kakashi felt his heart sink. She was shielding her eyes; the glare had swallowed the knife. He shouted her name to warn her, but his voice was drowned out by the sound of Hisoka's cloak fluttering as he fell onto him. A hand fisted itself into the collar of his flak vest; in the back of his head, Kakashi imagined the sound of the knife as it cut through the air. He could feel Hisoka's legs trying to wrap around his; he was trying to pin him while his other hand was going for the shuriken. Kakashi knew he should focus on Hisoka, but his eyes kept rolling towards the pink-haired girl sitting on the forest floor; all he could focus on was the soft "whirr" of knife in his head and the splattered, red image that followed soon after.

Desperately, he tried to roll his body towards her, but Hisoka kept his grip firm as he reached for the fuma shuriken. His other hand gripped his wrist and Kakashi tried to lean his hand, his head, anything to get free. He didn't care what happened to him if he could just stop that kunai.

"Just accept defeat."

In response, Kakashi slammed his head into Hisoka's hand. It was reckless and stupid of him, but it had freed his hand and he was beyond caring. As Hisoka pulled his hand back, Kakashi swiped the kunai at Hisoka's other hand. It missed his fingers, but left a respectable gash on the back of his main sword hand.

Hisoka's attention shifted to his wounded hand and that was all the distraction Kakashi needed, balling up his fist and delivering a savage uppercut that sent Hisoka flying before he threw the kunai in his hand. He watched with bated breath as it soared through the air and the words blurred his mind. Would it make it in time? What if it missed? What if that kunai hit her? The sickening crack of metal meeting bone played over and over again in his ear.

It seemed like an eternity before he heard the banshee shriek of metal on metal. Finally allowing himself to open his eyes, he saw the result. One kunai was embedded in the tree behind her while the second stood up in the dirt before her, both emitting a low, vibrating hum while Sakura sat between them, untouched and unharmed. For a moment, their eyes met and for the first time, Kakashi felt himself match the freefall he found himself in.

Suddenly, she shouted. "Kakashi!"

He turned just in time to see Hisoka's sandal collide with his head before his vision turned black.

* * *

When Kakashi woke up to a world of black, he could not say he was much surprised. He had already died once, and that had more or less taken the mystery out of what lay beyond the grave. Rather, he was struck more by the fact that the darkness had stayed the same rather than changed.

He supposed he should get up and look around, but his father was gone; there would be no campfire to greet him this time around and to be honest, he didn't feel like getting off the floor. It was as if his entire body realized how much energy it had taken to keep him alive all these years and was now simply too tired to do anything but lie back in the darkness. His eyelids felt unbearably heavy.

It was said that one's life passes before his eyes upon death and he supposed it was true. Above him, he could see the stream of his life. Rather than one continuous film, however, they were short strips of film, floating and wriggling overhead like fish swimming upstream. They drifted down like ghosts and a mere glance was all it would take to see the memory play out before him.

Lying there on the ground, he watched the contents of his life. It was like walking through a museum of himself, and they played in no particular order. One moment, he was watching Sasuke's retrieval; the next, a childhood birthday party with his parents. Most of the memories were missions though, and if they weren't, they were memories of Team 7. The memory of the rape followed closely on the tail of memories of Team 7, and even that was followed by the memory of his father's suicide before Kakashi turned his head and stopped watching.

In the darkness, he let his mind wander over all he had seen. He thought about his parents, about Team 7, about that birthday party, about the village. He wondered what would happen after he was gone. He wondered what Tsunade would say at his funeral; how Sasuke and Naruto would fair without his tutelage. Tenzou may have known Naruto well and been able to control the Kyuubi container, but Sasuke would never truly accept the wood-user as Kakashi's replacement; he knew that for a fact. Would the Uchiha heir cry at his funeral, he wondered.

And what about Sakura, he wondered? The thought was a singular drop of cold water in his mind. Would the others reach Sakura in time to save her, or would Hisoka slip out of their grasps with Sakura in tow? What would he do to her? What life would she end up living? The memory of locking eyes with her in the field replayed in his head. She looked terrified. Tough as she was, he knew she would never make it as a missing-nin. True to her namesake, she needed a place to lay her roots or she would wither away into nothing over time.

And what about the child? The memory panned to the tiny life she carried inside her stomach. Questions buzzed about in his mind like an angry hive. Would it be a boy or a girl? Would it have his hair or hers? Would it have her eyes? Would Hisoka let it live? What kind of life would it lead if he did? Would the child ever settle down? Would it ever know the circumstances of its birth? Would it ever know who its father was?

Before the child was even born, Kakashi began to pity it. It would end up just like him. That poor child, born under cursed stars; before it ever learned to walk, it would already have one foot in the grave, like a true Hatake. It would even continue the family tradition, growing up without him, another child born without a father.

The image of wandering dark halls as a child spliced with the image of Sakura's terror-stricken face. He frowned under his mask; under his feet, he could feel the cold press of polished cypress boards as he walked through a home without a heart. It was a fate he wouldn't wish on anyone, but here it was, about to happen to his own child. He couldn't let it. There were so many things he had wanted to learn from his father that he couldn't; so many things he wanted to teach his child. He wanted to see it grow up, wanted to see it laugh and smile and do all the things he couldn't as a child.

And Sakura. _Sakura…_he knew he would forever be intertwined with that name. Every invocation washed over him like an ocean wave. He wanted to see her again, her and the baby. Before, he would've just let death take him, but now he craved her presence like nothing else. He wanted to see her in the morning when he woke up, he wanted her to be the last thing he saw at night; she was the only thing worth fighting death in his eyes. Even in his mind, he could hear his name fall off her tongue.

"Kakashi."

He chased after the sound, hanging onto it greedily like a drowning man grips a lifeline. He wanted to see her again. He needed to see her again. Light began to fill the darkness as pain tore through his system. It felt like every molecule of his being was being ripped in two; his cells screamed in agony, but still he ran towards her voice, the sound echoing in his ear.

"Kakashi…Kakashi…_Kakashi!_"

Blinking, he opened his eyes, quickly rolling to the side as he felt the ground splinter under a blow that would've surely cracked his skull in half. Pain made itself known; it throbbed angrily in his head, his joints—he'd definitely cracked a bone or two in that fall—but he kept a firm grip on the fuma and kunai he still found he had and raised himself on wavering legs.

Hisoka smirked beside himself. "Stubborn, aren't you?"

Kakashi responded with a mild shrug of his shoulders and a smile under his mask. "It'll take more than falling out of a tree to kill me," he replied, parrying a thrust aimed at his intestines and returning with one of his own. In the back of his head, he couldn't help but be amazed. Just five seconds ago, he'd been on death's door, but now he was alive and despite his condition, he wasn't just holding his own…

_He was winning._

Another hiss told him his attack had hit home as Kakashi pulled the folded shuriken blade from Hisoka's thigh and a graceful arc of blood followed behind, nimbly avoiding a blow to the head as he caught the dark-haired man's leg with his own and swept him off his feet.

The battle became a blur after that. Victories were meted out in injuries as the storm blew towards them overhead, a low rumble echoing through the woods.

Another cut across a cheek, another slice across the hand. They met each other, blow for blow. When Hisoka sliced Kakashi's arm, he slammed the broad side of the shuriken into Hisoka, cracking his ribs. When Kakashi stabbed Hisoka's forearm, Hisoka knocked him into a tree. Their sweat trickled into their wounds, stinging them, but they fought on, flying at each other with weapons drawn.

Defend. Attack. Parry. The actions came so naturally now that he didn't even think about them any more as he shifted his weight and wielded the weapons in his hand. His breath was labored; his lungs were burning, and breathing through his mask felt like he was breathing through a swamp. Even as he blocked another hit from Hisoka's blade, he swallowed dryly around the sandpaper in his throat. His body was starting to rebel. Even as he delivered a critical wound to Hisoka's side with his kunai, he felt no elation.

Because it hurt to fight like this. His body was being pushed to its limit, but he couldn't stop. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't afford to because one wrong step, one second's delay was fatal in this dance for survival.

Hisoka proved that as he spun his sheath straight into the opening over Kakashi's arm. The sickening crack of bone echoed through the field as both parties leapt away from each other, Kakashi's shuriken falling with a clatter as he tightened grip on his kunai, staring angrily at his left arm dangling uselessly at his side. Every breath he took sent ripples of pain up his spine and he gripped his kunai tighter to keep his head above the waves of fire roiling in his marrow. His only consolation was that Hisoka looked just as battered and broken as he was. Even their chakra signatures had dimmed in their exertion, and Kakashi had to wonder how much longer this war of attrition would last.

For a minute, the two men just stood there regarding each other as they measured the other and clutched their wounds. The smell of blood, sweat, and dirt filled the air and locking eyes, their demeanors suddenly changed. With no words exchanged, the two squared themselves into mirrored battle stances because in those few seconds, it had been decided: This would be the deciding blow.

With no warning, the two sped off towards each other, Kakashi's arm jarring mercilessly against his side as Hisoka clutched his wounded side. Their feet felt leaden, their arms quivered. Their fingers were numb, but they continued to push themselves, streamlining their bodies for the most speed. Pain was a pittance here; it wasn't an option to just quit and give up, and with one final push, their blades crossed.

Springing back, the two returned to their starting points. Silence blanketed the forest. For a few seconds, Kakashi could only hear the muffled sounds of his own breathing. In the quiet, he listened to the thunderous noise of his heartbeat in his head as heat filled his bloodstream.

And then he heard it.

Looking up, he watched as Hisoka pulled his hand away as the two stared bewilderedly at the kunai knife in his chest and two droplets of blood fell on the floor. It was over; Kakashi had won.

Sakura watched as Kakashi sank to the ground amidst a sea of discarded weaponry, gingerly clutching his broken arm as he caught his breath. To herself, she gave her own sigh of relief because he was alright and this—all of this—was over now. They could go home now, and she looked down at her stomach as the small chakra signature inside her squirmed and she felt a kick.

From across the field, Sakura looked up to see Kakashi staring at her. A rush of emotions washed over her: happiness, joy, relief, appreciation, exhaustion, warmth, love, but at the edges of her mind pricked the distinct feeling of unease. Quickly, she pushed the feelings back to the dark abyss they had spawned from. They didn't belong here, but she couldn't help the twinge of nervousness in her stomach. Why was it that the first emotion she had when Kakashi looked at her was unease? In the corners of her mind, she felt a certain shadowy darkness peer out at her but ignored it as she met Kakashi's shy, serene smile with one of her own.

On the other side of the field, Hisoka sunk his nails in the dirt and gritted his teeth. His heart throbbed painfully in his chest. _He was dying…_

But his mind wasn't focused on that. It was too busy reeling at what had happened because he had _lost._ Everything from the start of the battle had assured his victory: he had more brawn, more speed—more energy. _Just more_—than the tired, sorry man he stepped into battle with. Combined with how distracted the Copy Nin had been in battle, he could've won. _He should've won_ and briefly, he wondered how he could've lost? Was there some failing on his part? Did Kakashi just get lucky? Did he have an ace up his sleeve? Or was he simply just better?

'_Not that it matters now.'_ No matter how much he pondered or philosophized, it wouldn't change the outcome. He had lost, and with it, he had lost the spoils of war.

Quickly, he stole a glance up at the two survivors, eyes narrowing at the scene. Even as his life was leaving him, it didn't stop his blood from boiling. He didn't even know why he was so upset—his anger felt childish and petulant. It was irrational to feel this way—but he did and he had to wonder the cause of this burning jealousy. Was it because he had been sure he would come out the victor, or was it because he had lost what could've been a new start towards happiness again? He didn't know. He didn't care. All he knew was that he had too much pride to go out like this.

His vision was getting fuzzy. The steady rhythm of his heart was going astray, but still he dragged his eyes up to the touching reunion of husband and wife, feeling his stomach churn as he burned with envy. It wasn't fair. He was so much more deserving of her and his fingers itched to just gnaw and rip and tear the scene to shreds.

_So why didn't he?_

He had nothing to lose after all; the blood dripping down his arm into the soil proved that, and briefly, a smile crossed his face.

The sound of the sword dragging across the dirt was like the sharp cry of a guillotine.

* * *

There was little that Sakura was afraid of. In their line of work, there was little option for fear. The day she enrolled in the academy, she had to lose her fears of insects, of pain, of the dark. Fear, after all, paralyzed better than any poison and it was the biggest hindrance in battle. As she grew in ranks, she found less to fear. Even death was no longer a threat to her.

But that was only regarding herself. Even now, the death of her loved ones horrified her to no end as she watched Hisoka charge towards Kakashi, tantō in hand, the sword flashing in the low light. Kakashi was watching too, and the same thought ran through their heads: he would never make it in his condition. His body had been taxed past its brink and he had nothing to stop him with. His left arm was broken, his weapons were gone, and he was defenseless.

_He would die here. _That was the traitorous thought that crossed her mind. After all that had happened, he would die out here in the woods with a broken arm, run through with a sword by a dying man.

'_I can't let that happen.'_

But what could she do? She couldn't even bend down fast enough to pick up a weapon to repel the attack—she couldn't even manipulate her chakra properly and for the first time, she cursed her pregnancy for interfering with her chakra flow. She was useless...

But she couldn't just sit here and let him die either. Her pride as a kunoichi wouldn't allow it, especially when she owed him so much. Kakashi had taught her so much about being a shinobi in her genin years, in her years since. He'd been through so much; he didn't deserve to die like this.

But what could she do? Indecision weighed on her heavily as she wracked her brain. From the corners of her mind, the darkness began to creep upon her. It pressed on her temples and bled into the space behind her eyes. It nested under her brain and in her stomach. The familiar twinge of unease fell into just under her heart.

The sword was closer now, gleaming bright as the sun. Above, the sky roared with the cry of rain as she cursed under her breath and pounded the earth. Closer and closer, the sword crept. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched as Kakashi clenched his fist in the dirt. Her throat locked inside her. It couldn't end this way. She had to do something.

Unless…

Slowly, it dawned upon her. She knew what she had to do.

Gripping the dirt, she began to prepare herself. In the distance, a crack of lightening rippled through the air. For the briefest of moments, she second-guessed herself. Did she really have to do this, a voice in her head asked, but deep inside, she knew she had to. This was her husband, her friend. She already had her answer.

Steadying her legs, she felt the darkness press at the corners of her eyes. It loomed over her like a wave. Blood drained from her hands, freezing her fingers like ice. It was trying to use fear to stop her, and she felt her heart beating madly in her chest as she rolled a black, inky feeling over her tongue. It tasted oddly of malice, but she wouldn't be stopped.

Biting the bullet, she pushed the blood to her feet and ran.

Oddly enough, she wasn't afraid.

* * *

The sound of the tantō slicing through flesh echoed in the quiet of the trees, ruby liquid trickling down the edge of the sword to pool on the ground. As the rivulets fell, the sky rumbled angrily above their heads; the storm was here. Kakashi and Hisoka stared with eyes wide in shock.

A gentle hand reached out to him, cupping his face.

"You're alright," Sakura rasped softly, a fond smile on her face. She seemed happy, relieved, but all Kakashi could focus on was the line of blood dripping at the corner of her mouth and how stark it was against her pale skin.

As the light flickered out in his hand, the sky opened up, turning everything to mud. He couldn't believe it; Hisoka didn't seem to either, but it was Kakashi who gave voice to the question.

"Why?" he asked. When Hisoka had grabbed the sword, Kakashi knew his options were limited. His weapons were out of reach and his left arm was a lost cause. The only thing he could count on was his right arm and the small bit of chakra still in his system, and he channeled it to his hand to repel the attack. It was risky. There was a high likelihood that he wouldn't finish channeling it fast enough or that Hisoka would be too close before it discharged, but he had accepted those risks and their possible outcome. He had accepted his death.

And then she rushed between them.

Kakashi caught her as she crumpled against him, leaning her against his frame carefully. Again and again, his eyes flitted to the sword wedged just above the start of the swell in her stomach as he replayed the scene over and over in his head. As much as he hated to admit it, if she hadn't intercepted the sword, he would've never been able to repel Hisoka's attack, but at such price…

She watched as his brows knit in confusion. He was tormented by her decision and she could see in his eyes how lost he was. The two orbs were glassy in their despair. "Why?" he repeated quietly, holding her hand.

She slipped her hand from his grasp to brush her fingers over his masked cheek. "Because I love you," she smiled as if it were the simplest thing in the world. It should've been, after all, and a small glow floated around her heart.

Her answer seemed to break something in him as he turned into a sobbing wreck. Between the taut line of his quivering lips came wretched gasping breaths. His eyes became distant, pained; he looked away.

"I can't…I can't…This isn't fair. It isn't supposed to be this way. You weren't—you weren't…" He drifted off. His voice became desperate, _"You weren't supposed to get hurt."_

At his resignation, Sakura drifted her fingers over his cheek once more, catching raindrops in her palm. Using his good arm, he caught her hand and held it there, pressing it closer. It felt like ice. Her fingernails were turning blue.

"You're not supposed to leave me like this," he told her. His heart felt like it was being crushed in his rib cage. Through the cold press of the rain, he drew a shuddering breath. "I love you."

"I love you too," Sakura reaffirmed as she drew shallow breaths through stiff, bluing lips. Underneath her, the mud carried a reddish-hue.

Suddenly, a sharp bark of laughter came from the other side of the field. The two looked up to see Hisoka's splayed form in the dirt where he had landed. On his side was a fresh gaping hole where the bottom part of his rib cage had been, and despite his condition, his fitful chest shook with laughter. His eyes locked with theirs.

"Love? You don't love each other," he barked, weakly shaking his head as the blood began to bubble around his mouth. Those poor fools. They still didn't get it.

He spoke through gasping breaths. "You don't love each other," he spoke patiently, "what you have…cannot be called love. No matter how much you dress it up—playing house, calling it noble things like 'love and devotion'—it will _never_…be _**love**__._ All you're doing is licking each other's wounds…You two will never love each other. _You're just playing pretend."_

The two watched mortified as the light died in his eyes. His blank stare was aimed at them, the misty whites of his eyes boring holes into Sakura's skin. On his face was the frozen rictus of a cruel and mocking smile, and while she knew she shouldn't let it get to her, she couldn't shake the thoughts either.

"Sakura?"

Kakashi forced her gaze to him, but she couldn't see him. She couldn't make her gaze focus while in her head echoed Hisoka's words. Even as he shouted her name over and over again, it was just a muffled sound in the distance as the thought echoed in her head. She didn't love Kakashi? Her feelings were a lie?

The darkness began pressing against her head again and her mind spun. Why was her brain lying to her then? What was it trying to hide? It was becoming difficult to breathe. The inky black was pressing at the side of her eyes. It felt like her mind was stretching and twisting. Something was trying to get free—something that she had buried time and time again so she wouldn't see it again—but she couldn't remember it at all. She couldn't remember anything. All she heard was Hisoka's voice and his painful accusation. The memory was stretching her brain.

"_Sakura!"_

'_You don't love each other. What you have cannot be called love.'_

She could feel Kakashi shaking her. In the distance, under the thunder, she could hear the faint sounds of footsteps, but that seemed trivial. Everything seemed trivial now. She couldn't understand it. _Her love wasn't real? Sakura didn't truly love him?_

The memory twisted in the dark. Her skin burned. It felt like someone was ripping her body apart atom by atom.

_If she didn't love him, what did she feel for him? What was wrong with him? _

Tight, tight. It was like something was pulling her apart to wrap her body around the universe. Her chest hurt; she couldn't breathe. Sweat beaded her brow. The footsteps were closer now.

_Why wouldn't she love him?_ It didn't even matter if she had truly loved him now. There was doubt in her heart now. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't see. The darkness was coming closer. It was pressing around her, hurting her. She could feel it crushing her finger by finger, inch by inch, atom by atom. It swallowed her feet. It swallowed her legs. It swallowed her body. It swallowed her head. And then it swallowed her eyes.

In the darkness, she saw it. The memory.

_He raped me._

He screamed her name. _"SAKURA!"_

And with a shudder and a gasp, the darkness claimed her and her vision turned black.


End file.
